The Art of Validation:
How To Talk to Your Children
by Arpana Greenwood

 

Finding the words to validate each and every person in each and every situation is a natural gift or an art that can be learned.

The mind of a child is vast and innocent. It works like the unconscious itself: direct, impulsive and very simple. Whatever the child learns is imprinted upon it's open mind piece by piece, moment by moment, year by year. Each child is unique and individual. At the same time, all children are freshly receptive to influences. The mind of a child functions like a clean slate, picking up and storing everything it learns and hears as it imprints. It may carry those imprints for the rest of its life.

What you say and do as an adult impacts a child greatly. As most parents learn, your child models you -- whether you like it or not. Because the inner thinking programs and processing filters aren't elaborated yet, children respond directly and literally. The power of sensory representation is still intact. Whatever you say will be represented inside your child's mind clearly.

Negation comes with language. The unconscious mind doesn't process "No." It processes what is said and so does the child. When you say, "Don't walk on the meadow," the inner picture of a meadow arises. When you say, "Don't scream," the sound of scream is heard in the unconscious and might appeal to the child. Naming the negative proposes the inner representation of what you don't want to happen and suggests it to happen.

It is a good idea to formulate what you want in a positive way. For example, "Would you please stay on the path?" or "Would you please use your low voice?" The inner representation will make a picture of a path. The inner auditory component will make a sound of a quiet voice, as you mention it.

Feeling misunderstood, frustrated or hurt often means that there has been a lack of validation. It most often reflects emphasis on what doesn't work or is not present, which naturally creates a low momentum of feeling bad.

A cup can be half-full or half-empty. It is your choice how you speak about it. Looking through the glasses of validation you will appreciate the full half. You will emphasis the possibilities rather than the limitations, and focus on the outcome rather than the problem. Every situation can be viewed as a learning. Looking forward rather than backward elicits the value of what is present and naturally creates a higher momentum of feeling good.

The following two principles can help us to be fresh and outcome-oriented in the way we think and speak about and to each other:

	The positive worth of each being is held constant, while the appropriateness of behavior is questioned.
	There is a positive intention motivating every behavior and a context in which every behavior has value.

There is not a situation or person that cannot be validated. Every person and situation has something unique and special. The Art of Validation highlights the positive intent or value behind questionable behavior. It is possible to communicate validation and empowerment independent of the issue or circumstances. Finding the words to validate each and every person in each and every situation is a natural gift or an art that can be learned.

When your child has messed up your living room, you could elicit fear and contraction with a sharp, "What did you do? Don't ever do this again!" Or, you could take a moment and connect with the intention behind the act, appreciate that first and suggest positively what it is that you want. For example: "You were really expressive here and played with many things. I bet that was fun. Do you remember that more people are using this room? I like it nice and organized. Would you please bring your things to your room and clean up this room so that we can all feel good here?"

If you don't want your child to watch TV and say, "You can't watch any more TV," you create an experience of loss. No one likes the idea of loss. Be curious of the intention behind TV watching and be motivated to find new working solutions with your child. Ask what he or she gets from watching TV, and help to find out what are the true needs of your child. Then you can assist in finding other activities that fulfill that need, rather than asking your child not to do something that at this point obviously seems to be valuable.

The Art of Validation focuses on what is already there and what does work. It doesn't mean that the negative cannot work, but it does mean to emphasize the positive. The idea here is that critical, emotional hurt and disapproval don't need to be emphasized or strengthened. Rather than deepening wounds that already exist, it makes more sense to focus on healing by expressing respect and acknowledgment independent of the issue.

The Art of Validation may appear difficult to do. I am not saying that it is easy. It requires redirecting our thoughts. True validation needs our willingness, attention and often patience. A wonderful aspect of this re-languaging is that it will benefit you greatly. You might need to spend time thinking about how to phrase your messages, but in the long run it will save a lot of time by avoiding resistance and struggle later on. The purpose is to create more flow and fun with your children and make life together easier.

If you choose to practice these ideas, you will have one wonderful tool for assistance. Watch the responses that you elicit. Facial expressions and gestures along with non-verbal cues tell the truth. Children have not developed poker faces or superficial smiles yet. Their responses are usually clear and honest; they offer direct feedback.

More conscious application of language and a focus on validation is a powerful reminder for being with children. Children create instant feedback and challenge for our communication and behavior. They trigger higher awareness and consciousness in our interactions. Don't they teach us at least as much as we teach them?

Arpana Greenwood (German ND, Trainer from the Society of NLP) offers NLP seminars, certification trainings and individual consultations in Anchorage and Fairbanks. For more information: 258-2608 or toll free 1-888-846-4251.

Creating the Relationship You Want
with Your Children
by Jackie Garretson

 

"If I were to treat my friends as I treat my children, how many friends would I have?"

Relationships with our children usually begin in infancy and are powerfully influenced by biology. Bonding between parent and child is enhanced by brain chemistry stimulated by hormones and touch. Much of what occurs is instinctual. We are well aware that in time our relationship with our children, especially teen-age and adult children, will be a relationship of choice and not dependency. The foundation begins early and is immensely important because your relationship with your children will influence all the other relationships in their lives.

Our culture is plagued with myths and common beliefs about raising children. Examples are that parents deserve respect simply because they are parents; obedience makes a child strong; responding to a child's cry will spoil him; parents are always right; the way you behave is more important than the way you are; high self-esteem makes a child self-centered; and children are responsible for a parent's anger ("You make me so angry..."), etc. Because we have absorbed these myths, we may use the following methods in parenting children. We may lie to them, manipulate them through scare tactics, withdraw our love, or isolate them. We may humiliate or ridicule our children at home and sometimes in public; perhaps we coerce them into bending to our will.

After years of this, we want to have a relationship with our children and then feel hurt and betrayed when they do not. We begin to see this with adolescent children who are still somewhat dependent but have begun to have personal power through jobs, strong relationships outside the family, mobility and other forms of independence. Teens are apt to be compliant part of the time and then zap us with anger in the form of disrespectful attitudes, limit testing, avoidance, passive-aggressive behaviors like forgetting, and rejection of the family values. It has been said that only when you have been autocratic and rigid will the child test limits and push your buttons. If you have respected them as children they will respect everyone else.

You can create the relationship you want with your children if you build a solid foundation early in their lives. Although respect, unconditional love and quality time need to be ongoing, a working knowledge of age-related developmental needs is helpful.

In the first year and a half, children need attachment and parents who are consistently available and warm toward them. The following year and a half are individuation years. Now the child needs to have protective limits, but the freedom to explore. During this time the parent must be available when needed and willing to back off when the child begins to explore on his/her own.

Children ages three to four need to build identity and need to be mirrored. This means that as the child tries on new roles (imaginative play) parents notice and affirm the child. Mom or Dad might say something like, "Wow, you are a race car driver today. I'll bet it feels great to go fast." The inappropriate parent at this stage might inject a scare tactic and say, "Race cars are very dangerous; you would probably get killed."

The four to six year old child is building competence and needs affirmation of his/her interests and effort, as well as all the appropriate information for the activity. Parents respect a child by allowing activities that the child chooses in addition to activities the parent chooses.

You can depend on a solid and rewarding relationship with your children if you nurture trust, acceptance, empathy, and their belief that they are precious to you. Children must really believe that you listen to them, allow genuine feelings to be expressed, and are able to understand their experience of the moment. This requires skill and effort on your part. It requires that you reject many of the myths about children and parents that you have inherited from your parents and society. Most of these skills are communication skills and can be learned in counseling, workshops, school programs, parenting classes, etc. They are not different from the skills needed by all adults in caring relationships.

If you could change only one thing in your relationship with a child in order to improve that relationship, I would encourage improvements in communication. This is difficult for most of us because really listening to children and allowing them to express genuine feelings increases our anxiety. If your children are quite different than you in temperament and interests it will make your life more challenging and complicated.

One of the "commandments" of parenting is "Your children are not you!" Loving them requires you to see them as they are and affirm them as they are. To love is to allow and respect another person's reality. If you can accomplish this with each child that you parent, you will have created the relationship that you want with that child. Wounded and unhappy children often say, "My parent just doesn't understand me." No wonder they turn to peers who offer understanding through sameness.

A second commandment of parenting is "Suspend all judgments." A child who hears his behavior labeled all the time will eventually think of his "self" in that same way. I am suggesting that you suspend good judgments as well as bad judgments. If you judge behavior as bad the child feels like a bad person. If you judge the behavior as good, the child feels like it is necessary to walk a tight rope to keep being loved. Remember the "unconditional" love requirement? Replace all judgments with statements about how you feel. Examples are, "I feel worried when you are late and don't call," and "I feel frustrated when you don't complete your chores," and "I feel hurt and disrespected when you speak to me that way."

Finally, the relationship you want with your child will not exist without trust. Children must feel safe with us and that requires trust. Trust in turn requires honesty. We are often dishonest in communication without realizing it. Does your tone or body language send a different message than your words? Do you make promises that you don't keep? Are you a bundle of tension on the edge of explosion because you are trying to fit a 36-hour schedule into a 24-hour day? Do you pass your feelings from another relationship (your spouse or boss) onto your children? Does your mood change unexpectedly and do you blame your children for your bad mood? Do you ever appear to be out of control, especially when angry?

You will create the relationship you want with your children if you live in a climate of love. Here children will conclude that they are separate and unique individuals who have value because parents enjoy, understand and respect them. In this climate children don't have to be a carbon copy to be loved and they are cherished even when their unacceptable behavior has to be limited. Because they have been respected, cherished and genuinely known, your children will choose a loving relationship with you...the best relationship that you can create.

Jackie Garretson, LMFT, is a certified Imago Relationship Therapist practicing in Anchorage, Alaska.

Too Beautiful:
A Mother's Perspective
by Anonymous

I'm suggesting that one of the most damaging effects on girls is the jealousy, judgment, resentment, suspicion, and shame that are placed on them by women.

My daughter is beautiful. She is double take, stop and stare, launch a thousand ships beautiful. When she smiles and tilts her head in a certain way, she takes your breath away. She has almost always been this way. We didn't expect her to be so pretty when she was born. Her face looked like she had been in a fight and her nose took a couple of days to pop out. Within a few months, though, it was clear that Deena was going to be quite good looking.

By the time Deena was a toddler, people would constantly come up to us and tell us how pretty she was and touch her hair. I would tell my daughter how smart she was because everyone else always focused on her eyes, her skin, her hair. People were always drawn to her.

Deena was - and still is - attracted to pretty, shiny, soft things. This includes animal print fabrics, lacy nightgowns, and lipstick. Before she could even crawl, Deena rolled herself up to a jewelry kiosk in a mall and banged her head in frustration against the glass. When she was two, she would spend hours putting on and taking off her clothes, trying different outfits. She would scream with excitement at shoe stores. The Barbie aisle was her favorite place in the toy store. At another store, she once saw a dress that she liked; when I turned around, she was naked in the cart, holding her arms up, begging me to slip the dress over her head.

Almost everyone thought Deena looked cute in her little fake leopard coat and sparkling lip-gloss. As such, Deena has convinced me that we all come here with the basics of our personality already formed and with our own agenda to accomplish.

When Deena was three, dancing through the house and playing, a woman friend who was visiting said to me with a puzzled expression on her face, "She is very sexy." My friend feared that she had offended me, but I wasn't bothered by her comment. I had already noticed this about Deena. There was a sexuality about her that was very innocent and unselfconscious. As for boys, she loved them. My friends would tease me about her being boy crazy. She has always wanted a boyfriend and to be married.

Deena is now 10 years old. She started her cycle over six months ago and is very developed physically. She is tall, strong, healthy, and looks years older than she is. Deena loves makeup and pretty clothes. I feel I have to set reasonable boundaries regarding clothes and makeup. I try to teach her the difference between looking sexy and looking like a prostitute. I explain to Deena that she doesn't want to attract negative attention to herself, for not everyone has good intentions when they look at her. I am trying to teach her to avoid polluting herself with the dark thoughts of others. But Deena has no shame about the exciting changes and feelings she is experiencing. She is enjoying this very special time in her life. She is alive with anticipation.

Do I feel entirely comfortable with Deena's choices? No. I'm the kind of person who buys two pairs of jeans at a time, wearing them out before I buy another two new pairs. I wear very little makeup and never apply it to be noticed. Animal prints make me look like I am playing dress-up with my mommy's clothes. I'm very steady when it comes to love and sex; my marriage is strong and happy. I don't have the extreme highs and lows that Deena does when it comes to passion.

Should I parent Deena based on my personality or hers? It is a question I have thought about often. Do I allow Deena to enjoy herself in a safe and supervised environment? Do I respect her spirit and allow her to develop in the way she intends to? YES! I believe that it takes many personality types to balance this planet. To try to change Deena would mean that I feel there is something wrong with her. To act in that way, I would damage her spirit.

I suggest that Deena's choices are not bad or less spiritual than others. I think our reaction to young girls experimenting with their power to attract boys is what makes us all feel uncomfortable. I think that all the shaming and judgment that we are taught as we grow up makes it hard for us to accept it when our children show us that they too are sexual beings.

I do teach Deena abstinence from sex, at least for now. I think she is too young. I don't believe sex is bad, but I do believe that when you allow another person into your body you are also allowing their intent and belief systems to wash over you. Unfortunately, not many people have healthy attitudes about their sexuality. I want Deena to be more mature and balanced before she opens herself to others.

Does it upset me when boys and grown men react to Deena's physical body? Do I feel angry with them for staring at her? No. They don't know how old she is. In most cases, the reaction is simple attraction. I am careful, however, to never leave Deena unattended or vulnerable to predators.

I am raising Deena to be proud of herself and her sexuality. I want her to feel good about herself without the shame and guilt our society teaches us to feel. I am teaching her that the abhorrent sexual behavior she sees on television and in the movies isn¹t really what men and women want from each other.

What does bother me is the negative reactions of other women to my daughters' maturing body. There is a lot of information these days about the decline of self-esteem as girls reach puberty. There are many factors involved, of course, but I'm suggesting that one of the most damaging effects on girls is the jealousy, judgment, resentment, suspicion, and shame that are placed on them by women. I know this from experience.

It's hard to help Deena keep a positive, healthy attitude. I have explained to her why the same women who used to tell her how pretty she is are now so threatened by her. I have tried not to hurt Deena's feelings as I tell her that these women are sometimes afraid that their own daughters will "grow up too soon" by being friends with her.

There was a television commercial in the 1980s in which a famous actress said, "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful." I never understood why I should have sympathy for beautiful women. I always thought they had it made. Now, I understand.

Fortunately for Deena, I am able to home school her and cushion some of the blows. I have the opportunity to teach her some tools for living a healthy, happy life. If as a society we could move away from using fear, punishment and shame to control our kids, it's possible that we would see less perverse and violent behavior. If we could be more accepting of our own differences, our kids would have healthy self-images.

So, the next time you see a young girl wearing makeup and flirty clothes, I hope you can see it for the game that it is. I hope that you can remember how wonderful it felt to be young. I hope you forget your judgment and enjoy watching what should be a wonderfully special time in every girl's life.

I have written this anonymously and changed my daughter's name to protect our privacy.

Children and Self-Esteem
by Elizabeth Wallmann-Filley

 

Self-esteem enables us to be ourselves and interact safely in the world.

What do you think is the most prevalent goal in parenting within the animal kingdom? The answer is simple: that the child (offspring) survives. What is the most common goal of human parenting? That the child thrives!

To thrive in one’s life is to flourish and prosper. The deepest desire in the hearts of parents is to see their children succeed. While success may differ in specifics from parent to parent, culture to culture, the overall picture is the same. The child becomes the best that he or she can be.

A significant part of being able to thrive in one’s life is to have a healthy dose of self-esteem. Self-esteem is the state of experiencing one’s own self-worth. It is knowing that you are of value just because you are and that you can develop this selfhood in real, tangible, and positive ways. Self-esteem tends to accompany states of directedness and motivation. It enables us to be ourselves and interact safely in the world. Self-esteem provides a stable platform for living as well as growing in our lives.

Self-esteem means self-respect. Generally speaking, the development of self-respect begins very early in life. Its’ beginnings encompass the tender looks from the immediate caregiver during infancy – the ones that tell you, nonverbally, that you really matter. Self-esteem is derived from support given during the initial assertions of selfhood, such as taking a stand at age two. It is also developed in the awkward periods of adolescence, when the reflection of peers matters the most. Self-esteem then continues to evolve in adulthood.

As a parent, you can cultivate healthy esteem in your children. There are daily opportunities to promote self-respect. It starts by being respected. By offering honorable regard to your child in the everyday events, his or her self-esteem will flourish. Practice emulating authorship verses authoritarianism in interactions. In addition, teach self-respect through modeling. Fairly early, children learn through watching, not by our words. Respect yourself, and they will learn self-respect. People who respect themselves tend to operate with the ethics of kindness and truth, rather than persisting with a need to be right.

An eight-year child named Becky once recounted the following: “Never forget that your children are your elders – in Universal time. They have come into a more complete and evolved Universe than you could ever know. And you will only know that Universe through their eyes.” Think about it.

Elizabeth Wallmann-Filley PhD, C.HT, is an educator and Energy therapist. Her background includes Matrix Energy Healing, Hypnotherapy, Acupressure, and Philosophy of Religion. For more information, call (907) 562-1062 or (907) 275-3397.