Is It True? by Dawn Baumann Brunke   If you have an e-mail address, chances are you’ve come across a forward or two from a well-meaning friend advising you of the potential dangers of a phone scam or computer virus, or a great new way to get a free laptop or cash. I get plenty of these. Some are pretty absurd (such as Bill Gates sending you $1000 to test his new software, or the uproar over a website that claims to sell “bonsai kittens” in bottles), but others seem like they could be true.   For example, I was recently forwarded a warning against buying bags of mulch that were selling at cheap prices from home improvement stores. What’s so scary about that? It seems these bags may hold the bonus feature of Formosan subterranean termites. The e-mail describes that after Hurricane Katrina many blown-over, broken trees in New Orleans were up for grabs to anyone who would haul them away. Enterprising individuals did just that, and turned the trees into mulch. The problem is that most of the trees were infested with termites. Thus, the e-mail explains, millions of termites are being transported all over the country, ready to eat you (literally) out of house and home.   I don’t know much about mulch or termites, but when I read the email, I supposed it could be true. Even if most of the termites were “mulched up” along with the wood, surely some could survive. Maybe the individuals doing the mulching knew this and decided to sell the mulch quickly—at bargain prices. And maybe some of the store buyers smelled a hustle but couldn’t pass up a quick way to increase profits. And surely thrifty gardeners would want mulch at a great deal, so were undoubtedly buying up multiple bags at a time, no questions asked. And from this type of cynical reasoning, it’s just a hop, skip and a leap into panic. Maybe all the trees and houses in Alaska are being overrun with ravenous termites right this second!   It’s amazing how fast the emotions of fear and panic inundate our bodies. It’s also amazing how quick we are to share this with others. Add to this the fact that we’re a fairly gullible species, and you can easily see how, with just the click of the mouse, e-mails filled with terror and trepidation proliferate and spread like electronic wildfire. What is it that causes us to jump so rashly into alarm and outrage, even if we don’t know what we’re in outrage about is even true?   In all fairness, some e-mail forwards are accurate and helpful. So, the question becomes: how do we know if something is true or just another fear-filled rumor? And, how do we stop ourselves from passing on information that is patently false?   If you are interested in the inner world, one educational game you might consider playing next time you face these questions is to breathe deep, close your eyes and take note of all your feelings. It’s helpful to take some time and allow all of your thoughts and emotions to speak (especially those belonging to the shy, scared and shadow selves). Once everyone inside has had their say, take a second note of how you feel. Has anything shifted? Has any clarity emerged after all the uproar settles down? I find this process very helpful as I continue to explore what’s ‘real’ and what’s projected.   Another tactic in weeding out fraudulent emails is to go straight to the source. Just as the Internet spreads some whoppers of incredulity, it is also an obliging source of information. One place to check when in doubt over the validity of some “Read This Immediately!” email is Snopes, the Urban Legends Reference Page (www.snopes.com).   Although this method doesn’t necessarily shed light on the inner world, it’s helpful in offering an outer-world reality check. You may also learn something from your research. For example, although Snopes deemed the termite-filled mulch subject false, I discovered that the termite in question was accidentally introduced to this country about 60 years ago via ships that traveled from China to U.S. coastal towns, where it became a serious threat to trees and most things made from wood. I also learned that although the scenario described in the email could occur, numerous quarantines and regulations were put in effect to prevent this from happening. In addition, entomologists interviewed seriously doubted that termites could survive shredding and packaging—not to mention the colder temperatures of Alaska .   So, there you have it. We’re not likely to be overrun with Formosan subterranean termites after all, and we can all buy mulch, worry-free. Still, perhaps this tiny creature hiding deep in the mulch-bag of an alarmist e-mail offers a valuable lesson.   Among the insect world, termites have mastered cooperation to such an extent that they are able to build magnificent structures that tower like skyscrapers as well as demolish entire houses thousands of times their own size. They are clever little bugs who, like so many other species, have learned to both create and destroy. We are not so different. When faced with the multitude of choices we are offered every day, it is up to each of us to decide which path we prefer to follow. Thus, one of the questions we must ask ourselves, and answer, with ever varying degrees of self-observation: Is it true?    Dawn Brunke is the editor of Alaska Wellness and author of Animal Voices and Awakening to Animal Voices: A Teen Guide to Telepathic Communication with All Life (see www.animalvoices.net for more).   Wake Up from Dogmatism: The Value of Re-Languaging   Arpana Greenwood   It is the human brain that holds the capacity to destroy this globe, or make it into a paradise.   What is going on in this world? The growing demands of these technological times make our lives increasingly complex and stressful. The pressure of job performance, the challenges of growing information input and the winds of incessant change have moved us to a new threshold. But, are these advancements growing quicker than our ability to cope?   Prophecies from Nostradamus, the Mayan calendar and many others predict an approaching end to the world as we know it. Indeed, tsunamis and earthquakes are knocking on our doors. The globe is warming and temperatures wildly fluctuating. The ozone layers are thinning, the earth is rumbling, and we are still slaves to oil. 2005 has witnessed some of the gravest natural disasters in recent history. These are threats against all of our lives to which most people don’t pay attention or are in denial. The message behind all of this, however, is roaring loudly: Wake up!   The gospel singers scream: Jesus is the one. The woman conducting the choir later asks me what I am doing. When I tell her that I am a Neuro-linguistic Programmer, she responds: “Well, just make sure to know that it is Jesus who has given it to you. Praise Jesus in your classes.” Ironically, as she speaks to me, we can hear loud prayers from a mosque around the corner: “Allah is the only one. Allah is the one.”   It appears that traditional religions are competing against each other more than ever before. In politics, human rights and ethics are no longer guiding lights but are ruled by personal and family power agendas. We are exposed daily to the words: This is the only God. This is the right political party. This nation is the one. Mass hypnosis in its absolutistic form is creating the hope that there is “The One” person or “The One” religion that will rescue us from these pressing issues.   As a response to increased nationalism and political and religious dogmatism, there is growing interest in alternative spiritual movements. Buddhism, Zen, Taoism, the teachings of Gurdieff and many ways of meditative disciplines such as yoga and martial arts are revitalized and innovated. So, too, are contemporary spiritual communities and enlightenment movements attracting large crowds.   A dear friend of mine is a Vipassana teacher. While discussing with him the related dimensions of mind, body and emotions, his look all of a sudden turns stern. He says, “There is one truth above all: The silence of the mind. Everyone has to learn that. The mind has to become silent for everyone.” Thus were my arguments cut off, and I found myself having to listen to the preaching of a monologue.   The wise older lady conducting a spiritual sharing teaches everyone how to “not be” and “be nothing.” The point is to distance oneself from the tendency to identify with body or mind. “There is only the one truth,” she tells us. “You are not. Whatever you believe is fake and a trap of the mind. Stop it.” Any comments or questions from the listeners are responded to with: “You are in your mind” or “Get off your mind.” No matter whether the questioner can process the answer or whether it is helpful to him or her, this only answer seems to be the only solution.   The gospel singers’ teachings of Jesus have nothing to do with my classes. The Vipassana teacher’s practice of silencing the mind has nothing to do with what all people should do. Of course, each and every one of these teachings can be so valuable, so helpful and rich in so many ways. However, if the same judgmental and discriminating language is used, if we hear any form of “This is the only truth”, or “Follow me, I know,” we inevitably find ourselves in the same trap of desperately grasping too tightly to one ‘truth.’   Claiming to know the one truth for all (or claiming to know about another’s experience) is a form of dogmatism. One truth for all—no matter of its content—cannot work. Why? Simply because it does not allow individual perspectives and excludes the fact that human beings are unique.   Absolute or dogmatic language is “ill-formed” according to NLP. It is based on the fallacy that there is a right and wrong way, which automatically leads to idealism, punishment and guilt and, thus, polarizes the listener. Dogmatism is not education but manipulation. Yet, our mind has a tendency to innocently follow—just as it might innocently follow to breath the air-filled fumes of an evaporating chemical bomb.   Thinking and speaking in form of judgments and in the “right/wrong” way seems to be an instinctive tendency of human mind. So, what is it that would allow us to transcend this instinct and fall prey to automatic judgments? Just think about it! The human brain is an exquisite, brilliant mechanism that allows us to move beyond instinct. On average, we are using only 10% of our brain capacity. Millions of neurons, neuro-pathways, different modes of perception, thought and speech—truly, there are so many more solutions than just one! It is the human brain that holds the capacity to destroy this globe, or make it into a paradise.   Our thinking, speaking and intelligence are produced by our brain. Just like the movements of Tai Chi, the needles in acupuncture or the touch in massage therapy, the language we use functions (internally or externally) like a highly influential treatment. Would you like some keys to identify the signals and re-language dogmatic thinking and speaking?   Here is an example: One evening at the end of a seminar, I found myself enthusiastically expressing to the group, “Everyone should learn to use language. It would rescue the world.”  I quickly noticed then that I had lost my audience. I gasped and stopped my own speech. I reflected, while smiling about myself: Everyone? Really everyone? With a deep sigh, I went into a moment of awe and re-languaged myself. I asked the listeners, “Can I please take this back?”   Please take a moment for yourself and investigate a recent conflict or hurtful situation that you may still be experiencing as a result of unsuccessful communication. Remember the exact language that was used and ask yourself: Which “right or wrong” thinking was hiding behind the words? What was the incorrect or poisonous judgment that was being held?   After identifying the trigger, take a deep breath, stop and pat yourself on the shoulder for noticing. Respond to yourself with a smile and allow yourself to enter into a mood of curiosity and flexibility. Rather than assuming, ask questions: “What is true for you?” Wait with your own opinion for the appropriate moment. Perhaps you might use another question: “Can you take in my truth now?” If the answer is yes, then express your opinion in a way the other can understand.   Summary of the three Re-languaging Keys: 1. Identify an unresourceful judgment.  2. Stop & reflect; pat yourself on your shoulder or smile. 3. Transform judgment.                  A. Enter into a state of curiosity and flexibility.                 B. Respect yourself and the other’s uniqueness and independence.                 C. Ask questions that respect the other person’s truth, regardless of yours. Express your truth in a way the other can understand.   People often ask me, “What is spirituality?” I like to answer that it is more than a concept or theory. In truth, it is a constant process of investigation. Spirituality is not a state to be reached; rather, it is about being spiritual moment to moment. Transforming our thinking and speaking is an essential part of this new behavior. On my path of 22 years of meditation and spiritual investigation, one thread has been weaving through my life. Perhaps it will help you too: Wake-up to using language more consciously! Arpana Greenwood offers Empower Your Communication & Leadership seminars and 1 to 24-day trainings in Neuro-Linguistic Programming, Coaching and Hypnotherapy (certifcation and CEUs) in Anchorage and Fairbanks . Contact: 258-2608, 1-888-846-4251, www.conscioussolutions.com, or arpana@conscioussolutions.com.

Communicating with Your Teenager … or “Hello, Anybody in There?” by Cheryl Lovegreen   “ I feel better by saying something, and she's got a good idea of my values after years of listening to these remarks" So my cute little girl has morphed into a sarcastic teen who rolls her eyes and says sarcastically, “Good job,” every time I drop something. Instead of regaling me with details about her school day, she plugs into her iPod and chats with three different friends on three different screens on her computer. How can we parents survive, even enjoy, this new stage of parenting? What happened to your little darling, and how can you talk to him or her? I have a sixteen-year-old daughter, and I’ve taught hundreds of teenagers over the years. As such, I’ve had to adjust my expectations in the area of communication. Teens are so wrapped up in their own heads, figuring out who they are and what it means to be cool, that talking to parents easily slips to the bottom of their list. Nowadays, I don’t have lengthy conversations with my daughter about her school day, or who said what to whom at the movies. But, I do keep the lines open, and let my daughter know I am still interested in her life. When I want news or information, I ask specific questions. “How was your day?” might get “Okay,” and a shrug. (Isn’t it interesting how much body language a teen can pack into one shrug?!) But “What are you doing in Biology class this week?” might get a longer response about the project she just started or what lab they’re doing. “How is that new iPod working out?” might bring up what she’s learned to do with it or which songs she’s into lately. You might ask your teen questions about movies, sports, or other things he or she’s interested in. Teenagers are also starting to notice what’s happening in the world around them. So we talk at the dinner table about current events or things that are happening in our community, and my husband and I ask her opinion about what’s happening. It is exciting to watch your kid become a young adult with his or her own views and preferences. We are enjoying that process. Now that she’ll talk to me, how do I get my own two cents in? When I talk to my daughter, I give my own observations about things, but I don’t lecture. Short comments or a few words of advice will go over better than long lectures or “yelling” at a teen. I could give a talk about “When I was your age....” but I’d probably see her eyes rolling toward the ceiling and know that I’ve lost her by the second or third sentence. I find that short and sweet keeps her attention better. For example, I take advantage of the opportunity to reinforce my values by making short comments on the bad choices a character makes in a TV show. ”She shouldn’t go to bed with him. That’s a big mistake,” I’ll comment. Or, I’ll note how well a person in the news handled a difficult situation: “She really kept her head and helped those people.” I try not to go on and on, but just drop a comment or two and stop before I get tedious. I feel better by saying something, and she’s got a good idea of my values after years of listening to these remarks. I also pick my battles carefully. I keep things as positive as I can. I know I wouldn’t want to go to work everyday if my boss did nothing except criticize me. And my daughter won’t want to be around me if I spend all our time together nagging her. I only nag (or “remind”) when I think it’s important. I let a lot of the little things go. I do tell her when she needs to get her backpack out of the living room, or talk to her about the bad grade on her math test. But I also thank her for doing the dishes. And, as you see from the above paragraphs, we also talk about other things, so our conversation isn’t always about what she’s done, right or wrong. Sometimes it’s about “stuff,” as she might say. It gives us a stronger foundation to build on if we’re relating in positive ways on many different levels. Parenting a teenager can be tough, even frustrating sometimes, as you help him or her make the transition from kid to adult. But there is nothing more satisfying than watching your little boy or girl turn into a grown-up right before your eyes. It’s a pretty special thing to be part of, too. And it only happens once for each person. Enjoy that transformation! Cheryl Lovegreen is a high school teacher and writer who lives with her husband and teenage daughter in Anchorage.

Looking Deeper at the Teen Problem Bruce Bibee, MTP, LPC “We need to be aware that the teen years are bracketed by huge and decisive psycho-spiritual moments."   What is the national average for relapse when kids come out of residential treatment? A whopping 90% by the end of the first year! Incredibly, this figure hasn’t much changed for the last few decades that we’ve been placing kids into long-term care. (I am not even going to estimate how much money was wasted in service of the dismal return on this investment.) Since 1988, when I first became aware of this (by virtue of the juvenile justice system), I have made it my business to find out what is going wrong with the long-term treatment industry. The good news is that most treatment programs are pretty good. The only problem I ever found was when the staff recreated the alcoholic family system, thus making treatment virtually impossible. Otherwise, however, most treatment programs were doing exactly what they said they were doing. So, what was the problem? Let’s use the example of a hypothetical teenage kid, Bucky, who comes out of long-term treatment. Bucky has completed a variety of short courses on substance abuse and codependency. He knows how to track his feelings and appropriately express them. He’s moved through anger management classes and scored high in his communication skills classes. And then he comes home to what? The same environment he left. With luck, one or both of his parents went through treatment with him. If so, his home life may be better. There may be some structure enabling the transition home to be a smooth one. The structure would be formal time-out contracts, clear agreements on the non-negotiable house rules, a solid program for resolving conflicts, and a schedule for when and how certain ‘freedoms’ can be attained. If all this is in place, Bucky has a chance of being in the ten-percentile. There are other factors, though. What about his friends? Will they support his recovery? If not, how can he be expected to ditch them—these friends he’s grown up with, people who have been there with him when he was truly hurting, people with whom he’s confided his deepest secrets. How can he walk away from them? Well, statistically, he can’t—and he won’t. However, what we do know is sports or other types of extra-curricular activities can be a bridge across the peer group problem. So, for Bucky’s sake, let’s say he’s into soccer and plays guitar in a local band. Now we have to worry about what happens when he goes back to his high school. At first, he will be a returning hero of some sort. And that’s when his old reputation will kick in. He will be expected to be the same person who left. Other students will expect it; his teachers will expect it; and, worst of all, the vice-principal in charge of discipline will expect it.  After getting ‘caught’ a few times, he will most likely decide that since he’s being punished for ‘it’ (whatever activity ‘it’ is), he might as well do ‘it.’ With luck—and for our Bucky’s sake we’ll assume this happens—his probation officer or after-care counselor will have a lengthy chat with the vice-principal in charge of discipline. Between them, and with Bucky’s approval, a strategy will be identified to help Bucky establish a new reputation and get through high school with no more problems. These are the hurdles kids face when they come out of treatment. Typically, they are more self-aware, more highly skilled in communication and conflict resolution than others (including adults). They understand dysfunctional systems theory. They know how to dodge the bullets other folks take full in the chest. They usually see themselves as more mature than the peers they left behind a few months before. And, they are more emotionally mature because of treatment. They are also more cognitively aware, and they no longer fear looking inside themselves for answers or direction. As such, they also don’t fit in very well. They are weird. And, because they have been in treatment, something must be ‘wrong’ with them. In sum, they have trouble reintegrating into the society they left. It is, therefore, so much easier to just go back to the known. But there are also the ten-percent kids. How do they do succeed? After reading the above, you may see that the answer is obvious: These kids have an aftercare program that is supported by the adults in their lives and provides them with a ‘new’ peer group. It also keeps them on-track with their growth and development (both in school and out).  On the surface, how hard can this be? Or, more pointedly, why can’t we fashion an aftercare program that accomplishes these simple goals? After some thirty-five years of in-patient history, why haven’t we got this crucial aftercare piece figured out? Well, I don’t know. We could blame all kinds of folks, but I’m not sure it would do any good. I think, in the final analysis, we have allowed the structure of our society to evolve over the last hundred years or so in a way that leaves teens out of the loop. We need to be aware that the teen years are bracketed by huge and decisive psycho-spiritual moments. At age twelve, there is a death-rebirth process going on that needs to be shaped and guided by adult mentors if the teen is to successfully be ‘reborn’ as an apprentice adult. Around nineteen, there is an existential dilemma as the young person stands at the edge of the rest of his life and wonders, “What’s it mean? How am I going to fit into the world? Who am I?” Again, without adult mentoring, the transition into adult life can be aborted. During this fertile time when the adolescent learns the skills of the adult—becoming aware of the world he/she is to inherit and figuring out relationships—we as a society have come up with a way wherein teens are forced to do this by themselves. Sure, they get adult guidance from teachers, clergy and others, but typically this guidance is done in a large-group format. The teens out-number the adults ten-to-one. My thinking is it should be reversed, or at least balanced better. Teens enjoy being with adults, learning from them, being included in ‘big boy’ stuff. Our society doesn’t allow for much opportunity for that. I guess, then, I’m ‘blaming’ us all—society in general. If I’m right in how I’m leveling my blame, I’m not sure what the solution to the ‘teen problem’ might be. I’ll keep working at it, though. Bruce Bibee is a counselor in private practice. He is also the master-instructor of the Kung-Fu San Soo Center in Anchorage. You can reach him at: 562-1242.