Staying Healthy During & After Divorce

 

Staying Healthy During & After Divorce
by Steve Pradell, Esq.

 

Reassure the children that they are not to blame for the divorce. Tell them that they are loved and that they will be taken care of.

 

Divorce and custody proceedings are extremely stressful for families. To stay healthy during and after these events occur, it is important to take steps to keep the children as far from the litigation as possible. Parents should consider individual or family therapy, if necessary, to help family members cope with the traumatic events which are occurring as families recover from the separation of parents and the adversary process itself.

If you are considering obtaining a dissolution from your spouse in Alaska, you are now required to watch a video called Listen to the Children. This film attempts to educate parents who are going through the process of ending their marriages, and presents interviews of children who are the products of divorce. At the end of the video, a guideline worksheet is given to those who watch the film. It is printed below, to help all parents, including those involved in disputes over custody, divorce, or dissolution.

Many of the guidelines also apply to married parents who are attempting to raise their children effectively.

DON'TS

	Don't pump the children for information about the other parent.
	Don't try to control the other parent.
	Don't use the children to carry messages back and forth.
	Don't argue in front of the children.
	Don't discuss child support issues with the children.
	Don't speak negatively about the other parent.
	Don't put the children in the position of having to take sides.
	Don't use the children as pawns to hurt the other parent.

DO'S

	Do tell the children about the divorce together, if possible.
	Do answer the children's questions honestly while avoiding unnecessary details.
	Do reassure the children that they are not to blame for the divorce.
	Do tell the children that they are loved and that they will be taken care of.
	Do include the other parent in school and other activities.
	Do encourage the relationship between the child and the other parent.
	Do be consistent and be on time to pick up and return the child.
	Do develop a workable parenting plan that gives the children access to both parents. o Do guard against canceling plans with the children.
	Do establish two homes for the children with two fully involved parents.
	Do give the children permission to have a loving, satisfying relationship with the other parent.

If you are in the process of a dissolution or divorce, applying the above to your life may not only help you to resolve custody in your favor, but it will also help your children as they struggle with the difficulties surrounding the separation of their parents.

An Alaska Superior Court judge handed both parents a form entitled "12 Commandments for Divorced Parents" at the conclusion of their case. These "commandments" offer some helpful advice for parents who are already divorced, as well as for those who are in the process of a divorce or custody case. Here are the 12 commandments:

1. Never make visitation arrangements directly with children under 12.
2. Never suggest visitation arrangements you have not previously discussed with the other parent. Always confirm with the other parent any visitation arrangements made with children 12 and over.
3. Send and return children who are clean, well rested, and fed. Do not send or return a sack or suitcase full of soiled clothes.
4. Do not use a telephone answering device to screen calls from the other parent, or limit telephone access between your children and the other parent - except after your children's actual bedtime.
5. Do not discuss divorce disputes with your children, or allow them to hear you discussing your differences regarding them.
6. Do not send messages or money with your children.
7. Do not speak ill of the other parent - or of his or her relatives, friends or loved ones.
8. Do not ask your children for information about the other parent's household, friends, income, or activities.
9. Do not believe everything your hear from your children.
10. Do not second-guess the other parent regarding discipline, rewards, or anything else.
11. Give a sympathetic ear to your children, but affirm and reaffirm as often as necessary that you are not a referee or a mediator between your children and the other parent.
12. Be courteous. Do not honk your horn for your child to come out. Walk to the other parent's door, but do not go inside unless invited. Have the children ready to go. Always be on time. Smile.

During a divorce, the behavior of parents toward their children can come back to haunt them in court or in a custody investigator's report. Following the above advice is not only good for your case - your children will benefit from it as well.

Steven Pradell is an Anchorage attorney with a practice emphasizing family law. He is the author of The Alaska Family Law Handbook, available in local bookstores or by calling (907) 279-4529. Articles on legal topics of interest to Alaskans can be accessed on the internet at http://www.alaska.net/~pradell
© 1999 by Steven Pradell. This article is not intended to provide legal advice and should not be relied on for that purpose.