The Healing Power of Forgiveness

Forgiveness Heals the Body
by Jackie Kosednar

 

As an old Chinese saying advises, "If you are seeking revenge, you'd better dig two graves."

Not only is forgiveness one of the main practices of every religion, it is necessary for the mental and physical health of every human being. When the mind is constantly preoccupied with "who did what to who," the body is flooded with negative chemicals. This is generated from the fight or flight mechanism in the brain. When the primitive brain perceives an enemy (anyone who has the capacity to hurt you), it gets the body ready to attack. The brain doesn't know the difference between facing a person in physical reality or just thinking about that person. Anger triggers chemical reactions that produce toxicity in the body, shutting down digestion, raising blood pressure and other processes in order to get you ready to fight. If you live with or work with the enemy, then this process is going on all the time. We have all heard of stress causing ulcers and high blood pressure, and cancer being the result of long-standing resentment or nursing hatreds. How about the old catchy phrase, "retained hate causes overweight"?

The main goal of spiritual growth and psychotherapy is to help work out the anger, hurt and pain of the past that is causing dysfunction in our current life. Healing can only occur when we stop blaming all the people from our past for what our life is like today. Until we take responsibility for the condition our lives are in, we can't change it and we can't learn what we need to learn. Making a list of everyone you need to forgive can be very freeing to the body and mind. When you actually accomplish this feat, the body is free, for when you think of the person those negative body processes no longer happen.

Other poisons to the body, mind and spirit include shame and guilt. In our current social belief system, most people believe guilt demands punishment. Since the ax is going to fall, you have to always be ready for it. We make people we have hurt into the enemy because we would rather blame them and feel anger instead of our own guilt and shame. Self-forgiveness can be a spiritually transforming experience; the resulting peace can heal your body.

A physically and spiritually healthy person makes it a practice of not carrying grudges. A massage can be a tremendous boost to mental or physical health and well being because it puts the body into a state of peace. The brain signals safety and rest and, as body processes are restored to normal, healing repair and restoration takes place. When you are not attacking or under attack, the body can restore itself to health.

A person doesn't die from a snakebite. But he can die from the venom that pours through the body after the snake is dead. The venom that pours through our system after we have been hurt can hurt us more than the original hurt. All of us have been bitten. We have all been mistreated, lied to, cheated on and stolen from. We've all been abused in some way. Everyone has the opportunity to stop the venom with forgiveness. As an old Chinese saying advises, "If you are seeking revenge, you'd better dig two graves."

If you want to move into a higher level of awareness and potential, take a look at everyone and everything in your past and understand that it is all over -- it is all in the past. You can't change it. Release it, forgive whom you need to forgive, and look for your lessons. Until you forgive you won't see the lesson. Sometime the lesson is about what not to do. Those whom we feel the most hatred and anger toward are often our best teachers.

An observation I have acquired from working with many people is that we all sign up for what we have to do here. Maybe when your husband cheated on you he had to do it to get the lessons he needed to develop the attribute of faithfulness or understand the value of loyalty. Maybe your soul needed to learn that it wasn't about you. Perhaps you needed the lesson to acquire enough self-esteem to say, "This wasn't about my inadequacy. I didn't do anything wrong." A different perspective is often reached when we decide to forgive and truly let it go. We see things we couldn't see before. Sometimes if we don't release and forgive, history makes us repeat it until we do.

It's been observed that the more spiritually advanced a person is, the faster he or she forgives. Forgiveness becomes a lifelong practice for those on the spiritual path. We know that to live in grace we have to have peace. Sometimes we can't get there on our own and so we pray for Spirit to help us forgive. Sometimes it takes awhile to overcome our primitive brain that thinks in terms of "I want you to hurt since you hurt me." But still we persist, praying and working it through until we achieve a state of forgiveness and release. Insights then follow. As in all fields of life, the more we practice the better and faster we get. So do your body a favor. Forgive.

Jackie Kosednar is a holistic practitioner in private practice specializing in spiritual counseling, personal growth seminars, and energy work on the bio-electical field. She is the publisher of Alaska Wellness magazine and author of the book, "One Miracle After Another."

Forgiveness: Healing the Wounded Soul
by Raven Wi

 

The process of deep forgiveness is much like being reborn...

Forgiveness is more than saying the words, "I forgive you." It can be a long and oftentimes painfully emotional ordeal, depending on how deep and old the wounds are that limit the act of forgiveness.

Some of the oldest wounds we carry around throughout our lives are the battle scars from our childhood. Some of these hurts are buried so deeply within our subconscious minds that we no longer remember them. Still, those early traumatic ordeals haunt us until we can come to terms with them. The way we act and react are indicators of what baggage we carry in our lives, our relationships, careers, physical and spiritual well-being, and most of all, our personal image of who we are or are not.

When a person has experienced any kind of abuse, it is not an easy task to "turn the other cheek," "let bygones be bygones," and "love everyone unconditionally." Nor is it any less difficult when one has lived with fear of failure caused by abusive, intolerant people; suffered needless ridicule, molestation of the body, mind and emotions or abandonment of our very being. As we grow and mature, we are often encouraged to get on with our lives and let the past go. However, old thoughts of pain and resentment leak out into our consciousness by familiar sounds, actions and re-actions, sights or similar occurrences that can trigger those memories that continue to haunt us. Try as we might, we swear we have forgiven the past. We look to others seeking approval and peace of mind, and we often find ourselves in old familiar patterns of abuse and unhealthy relationships. Why? Perhaps that is what was drilled into us and may be all we think we deserve or can attract into our lives.

We often seek counselors and therapists, go through re-birthing and meditation sessions, and buy books and tapes. We might talk to friends and join support groups, become more devote in our beliefs hoping for consolation, or take medications and try hypnosis. These are all valid resources, but the truth is that until we're ready to heal ourselves, nothing will help.

Have you ever noticed that life is a process and all parts of our life/being are also a process? Each part of us is its own universe that supports and works with the rest of our parts, all of which make up the whole of Who We Are. When one part of us is not healthy or working properly, it affects all the other parts. When this occurs, it may feel as though something is ill or missing in our lives.

So it is when we carry all that sorrow and anguish and anger around with us year after year. It is likened to a cancer of the heart that eats away at us and prevents us from our true birthright, which is love. When we are able to forgive, we open the door to joy, creativity, abundance, beauty, compassion, physical health, personal power, inner peace and unconditional love.

The following is one of the most profound and powerful self-help tools I know of for healing the wounded soul. It is an intense, emotional process that is purging, healing and freeing.

Forgiveness Ritual

Before you begin, unplug the phone, lock the doors and draw the curtains. It is important to give yourself undivided attention and a safe atmosphere in which you feel protected.

You will need two pieces of paper, and a little sage for smudging. You can make this as elaborate as you want or feel the need.

For the first part of the exercise, take one of the papers and write down every single thing that you believe other people did to hurt you. This can be things they said, things they did or didn't do, promises not kept, abuse – anything that brings back a painful memory. Even if it seems ridiculous, write it down. This paper is for your eyes only, and no one else is ever going to see it.

As you write, you may feel overwhelmed with emotion and may find old wounds opening back up. This is normal. Continue to write. When you are finished with your list, bring each person into your mind's eye and say out loud, "(Person’s name), I forgive you for (doing whatever was done or not done) to me." Do this with each individual and action on your list, one by one. It is helpful to be specific.

When you have finished your list and spoken of the pain in your heart, take your piece of paper, smudge it and throw it in a fire. It is also fine to light it over the toilet. It is important to burn your list immediately to release the energy it now contains.

As you are smudging the paper and giving it to the fire, say out loud, "I forgive each one of you with my whole heart, and release all the pain and anger I have ever felt towards you. I forgive you all and find only love in my heart for you," or similar words that feel right to you. You may notice a huge release as though the world is being lifted from you as you complete the process.

If you feel up to the second part of this exercise, it is best to do it all at once. This will allow healing to take place at a very rapid rate. If you do not feel ready, however, you may have to wait a few days to continue.

When you are ready, get your second piece of paper out and repeat the same writing process, this time listing all the things you think you may have done or said to others which you believe may have caused them pain or suffering. When you have written everything down, bring each person into your mind's eye, and one by one, ask them for their forgiveness of those things. It might go something like this: "(Name here), please forgive me for the time I (action here) to you." Go down your entire list, and then repeat the steps of smudging and giving your paper to the fire, as you did in the first part of this process, while asking for forgiveness.

Once again, this may be a very powerful release for you and it may take a few days before you feel "normal" again. You may find that the people you have chosen to include in this forgiveness process will suddenly call or send a letter, or even show up at your door. On a deep subconscious level, they have also been affected and perhaps healed by the profound act of forgiveness you have given to and received from them.

You may find a need to repeat this process a number of times, depending on the amount of pain you are carrying around. It is vital to your own growth and emotional well being to honor the process as often as necessary. You will know, intuitively, when you are finished.

The process of deep forgiveness is much like being reborn, and the excitement of it may fire you up to the point of wanting to share it with others. That too is an indication of your own healing. For the first time in your life, you may truly feel as though you are living to your fullest potential as a loving, compassionate, free and spiritual being, able to experience peace and love at last.

A student and practitioner of alternative healing for more than 20 years, Raven is the creator of Raven's Herbal Remedies and publishes a newsletter called Raven’s Reflections, Nourishment for the Body, Mind & Spirit. For more information, call (907) 745-7293 or visit her website http://www.ptialaska.net/~raven2

Forgiveness
by Elizabeth Wallmann

 

Forgiveness is not always easy. Sometimes people cannot forgive because they fear that if they do, somehow the experience will reoccur.

We all have experiences that are deeply painful or frighten us. Some feel anguish from loved ones; others from a stranger. Some people feel taken advantage of in their most vulnerable states, while others experience violent assault. Some have had the intensity of a single trauma while others have sustained years of pain until the circumstances could finally change. In all of these situations, the thing most needed now is the ability to move on. Part of moving on ultimately means to forgive.

What does it mean to forgive? In a formal way, forgiving is the act of releasing all claim to punishment. It means to pardon or cancel any debt. To forgive is to withdraw intention to exact harm from that which has hurt.

Sounds pretty simple and straightforward, right? Yet, can forgiveness be found for the person who has stolen money or raped? How can you pardon the uncle who sexually abused you as a child, or the spouse who beat you for twenty years? What about Holocaust survivors? Should those individuals simply cancel the apparent debt?

Some circles teach people to fight back. “Don’t be a victim” is the motto. Some people are taught that if you get angry enough, you can rid yourself of pain. “If you make that person (place or thing) pay, than all can be forgotten.” Extracting punishment is seen as the means for closure. The idea is that once some level of rebuking has occurred, disengagement becomes psychologically doable.

But what if retribution or reprimand is unlikely or impossible? What do people do whose offender(s) have died or cannot be located? What about those people who are not in a position to fight back because it may endanger them? And what of the individual who cannot constitutionally participate in seeking revenge? What can these people do instead?

Forgiveness is not always easy. Releasing any claim to punish can be viewed as endorsing the transgression or giving up one’s integrity: “If I forgive my dad for hurting me, then it invalidates my experience.” “If I don’t feel badly toward a painful situation, then it makes what happened okay.” Sometimes people cannot forgive because they fear that if they do, somehow the experience will reoccur. Not forgiving can be one of the ways a person regains the experience of control.

Sometimes it is helpful to recognize what it means to not forgive: To choose to remain steadfast in anger or resentment. In simple terms, not forgiving means that you maintain a connection to that which has harmed you.

One way of looking at not forgiving is in terms of what it costs you. When you maintain anger in order to deal with a circumstance, you engage your sympathetic nervous system. Your adrenals remain in high gear. This, in turn, taxes your immune system, which then leaves you vulnerable to disease. Thus, your “dis-ease” with the circumstance creates disease. This is a form of violence that is expressed through your own body.

Another personal cost of not forgiving is the toll on our creative intelligence. When we remain resentful, our brains are mandated into more restrictive thinking processes. Subconscious mechanisms continue to process the event that hurts, even though we are not aware of it, and this consumes inspirational channels. This is true, whether or not we are consciously attending (or thinking) of the hurtful event. Not forgiving deprives us of access to inspiration and enthusiasm, which are necessary means for insight and constructive change.

Forgiveness is not an intellectual pursuit. It is not about logic or rationalizing anything. It is a place of peace, independent of circumstance. Forgiveness is reclaiming the heart from a place of closure. It is choosing to be vulnerable again. The nice thing is that you can be vulnerable and still have the benefit of previous experience. This is what discernment is all about. If you touch a hot stove and it burns you, you had best not touch it again. You don’t get angry at the stove!

Forgiveness is a choice. It is about becoming free of attachment. As Mark Twain so eloquently expressed, “Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.” It is “giving in place of.”

Like almost everyone, I have struggled with forgiveness. Sometimes events have seemed so substantial that I believed I had every right to be angry. I justified the maintenance of anger through rational thinking. The events of harm or threat seemed warranted. I believed I could not, nor should not, feel serenity. Interestingly, however, the moment I decided something different, it was so. As I placed my attention on acceptance, circumstances changed. I began to see I did not have to be bound to what had gone before. Paul Boese wrote, “Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.”

We all have experienced things which hurt, frighten us, or did not make sense. The amazing thing about human nature is the resilience of the human spirit. The question is what do you want to do once it is over?

Don’t practice forgiveness because you’ll probably be healthier. Don’t be forgiving because it looks good, or might indicate you are “more enlightened.” Don’t forgive because it might be “the right thing” to do. Rather, my suggestion is that you make an informed choice. Recognize your feelings and then choose forgiveness. Forgive because you will be released from being repeatedly taken back. Forgive because you open yourself up to the Divine presence, where new possibilities are reality.

Elizabeth Wallmann PhD, C.Ht is an educator and therapist. Her background includes, Matrix Energy Healing, Hypnotherapy, Acupressure, and philosophy of religion. For more information contact: (907) 562-1062 or (907) 275-3397.

The Healing Power of Forgiveness
by John Freedom

 

Getting angry is like eating poison and expecting the other person to get sick.

It often seems that anger is “in” these days. Whether found in the form of resentment, irritation, annoyance or frustration, we often feel justified in having and holding onto our anger. Whether we feel angry at Saddam for murdering millions of Iraqis, or angry at George W. for invading Iraq, or angry at our partner for not doing what we think s/he should do, we think that we are “right” and they are “wrong.” And, if we get angry loudly and long enough, maybe they will change.

Anger is an emotional attempt to change and punish another. It is the result of a thought system as expressed by the Law of Talion: "An eye for an eye; a tooth for a tooth.” Even though people’s ideas about ethics vary widely, most people believe that there is “right” and “wrong,” that we can (objectively) determine who is “right” and who is “wrong,” and that “wrongdoers” deserve to be punished.

Getting angry is like eating poison and expecting the other person to get sick. My anger at others does not hurt them, but it does hurt me. Studies have shown that five minutes of feeling angry will depress the immune system for as long as eight hours afterwards.

Anger and guilt appear to be very different emotions, but they are two sides of the same coin. Both anger and guilt are emotional effects of judgments. Anger is the result of a thought system that deems another person as wrong, bad and deserving of punishment. Guilt is the result of a thought system that deems the same of oneself. Anger is guilt projected outwards; guilt is anger projected inwards.

Anger is a mirror. What I feel most anger about another is what I (secretly) feel angry about in myself. As they say in the 12-Step programs, “If you can spot it, you got it.” We fear our own “wrongdoing,” and our own often murderous desires for “justice.” Rather than confront these, we try to “pin the tail on the donkey” and avoid the guilt in ourselves.

There is a powerful antidote for anger and guilt in both Judaism and Christianity. Forgiveness is a way of wiping the slate clean, of recognizing that our relatedness is more important than our anger. Traditional forgiveness is a way of saying, “Even though you did something horrific, even though you’ve ‘sinned’ and deserve to be punished, I forgive you.” This kind of forgiveness, although it may feel good at the time (“Look at what a good person I am, forgiving the likes of you!”), often does not last. It does not challenge the deeply-held beliefs in “justice,” nor does it heal the hurt and pain (arising from ego-identification) that underlie the desire for revenge.

A Course In Miracles reveals another way of looking at these issues. This book notes, “Forgiveness begins with the willingness to see things differently.” It recognizes that even though we are human and make mistakes, we are all deserving of love, kindness and respect. It further teaches that what we thought happened did not really happen (at least, not in the way we thought it did). Rather, our perceptions are interpretations, based on our projections which we impose “out there.” As the Course states very directly, "I am responsible for what I see."

On a personal note, for years I hated and resented my mother. She had good intentions, but she was a perfectionist, constantly in-my-face, nitpicking, making my life hell. As I grew older, I spent most of my time away from home, to avoid the incessant criticism and arguments. In my twenties, I began dating and found my relationships were not working well. One of my teachers pointed out to me that you cannot begin to have a healthy relationship with another person, or with yourself, until you love, honor and respect your parents, as they are. Love, honor and respect my mother? This idea was heresy to my young mind at the time, and seemed impossible to achieve.

After years of trying to forgive her and heal our relationship, I found the Work of Byron Katie. The Work is a powerful process for resolving relationship issues. Part of the Work involves turning one’s judgments back at oneself. When I saw that it was I who was critical, I who was judgmental, I who was nitpicking, I was ‘busted’. When I further saw that Mom was simply treating me the way I wanted her to treat me, I could no longer feel anything but empathy and understanding for her. I cried with compassion and deep forgiveness.

Forgiveness is a gift we give to ourselves. Our anger does not hurt the other person, but it does hurt us. It affects us on all levels, and keeps us from experiencing joy and love in our relationships. We feel angry with another for the same flaws we see (and secretly feel guilty about) in ourselves. We forgive, not to let the other off the hook, but to let ourselves off the hook. All forgiveness, ultimately, is self-forgiveness.

John Freedom is a transpersonal counselor who teaches seminars throughout the U.S. and Europe. Contact him at 1-800-875-9199 or e-mail freejjii@yahoo.com.
For more on the Work of Byron Katie, see: www.thework.org