The quarrel between thinking and feeling, the matters of the head
and the heart, is part of our daily life. Exploring how they are woven
together and affect each other has been my passion for more than 15
years. Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), a brilliant model of how
human beings process information, has been my loyal friend in this
journey. Its hands-on tools have helped me to appreciate the head more
deeply and walk the path of the heart more smoothly.
Our head offers the qualities of rational intelligence and
knowledge, discrimination, planning, organization and clarity. For the
mind, nothing is ever enough. The pitfall is perfectionism,
manipulation and compulsive control resulting in a contracted mental,
emotional and energetic state.
Our heart offers unconditional acceptance and appreciation of
oneself, others and situations. It values respect, relationship and
loving care. Its energetic highest state is infinite expansion. The
downfalls are over-sensitivity and loss of boundaries.
We have a tendency to be in the head, as it offers more control and
apparent safety. In order to feel fulfilled, however, we need love and
interpersonal nourishing exchanges, and may also desire to reach the
expanded spiritual dimensions of the heart. Dividing head and heart
into two different dimensions is a difficulty. It actually is a
fallacy. Just as our physical head cannot exist without our physical
heart, thinking and feeling are directly linked to each other.
Our head and brain processes are directly connected through neuro-pathways
to the rest of our body. A negative thought creates dark pictures,
inner dialogues in which we put ourselves down and physiological
tension. This results in inappropriate responses, feeling bad and a
contraction of the heart space. When our heart is open and loving we
are inviting, friendly and soft. Our thoughts are positive and exude
acceptance and understanding. The head and the heart are thus going
hand in hand and really are one.
So, how can we use the power of the heart and the intelligence of
the head to support rather than undermine each other? In the following
example, two people love each other deeply, yet find themselves
quarreling and fighting again and again. Let us examine what happens
on the level of the head and the heart.
She: "I don't like the way you're speaking to me. It makes
me shrink and feel horrible."
He: "What? I just said what needs to be done."
She: "You always need to play the boss. I'm tired of your
power trips."
He: "You are always so over emotional. I'm fed up with your
complaining and whining. I hate to have to tip toe with everything I
say."
The unconscious ways we interact and use language can create
separation. We might think we express ourselves honestly, though the
other person may feel violated.
The unconscious ways we interact and use language can create
separation. We might think we express ourselves honestly, though the
other person may feel violated.
Every person is filled consciously or unconsciously with wounds
around love and self-worth. There are ways to hit those wounds and
deepen them or to treat them with care. Using negative phrases such as
"I don't want" or "I don't like" may result in the
listener feeling hurt or attacked. Why? Because our heads cannot stop
the process of association even when there is a negation. Negation
produces inner sensory experiences whether we are aware of it or not.
When you say, "I don't like celery," your head automatically
evokes the picture or taste of celery, just as when you say "I
like coconut," the inner experience of coconut is evoked.
When She doesn't want him to act like a boss, She could ask him to
act like an equal friend. When He doesn't want her to complain and
whine, He could propose that She tell him directly what she wants.
Of course, there are situations where negatives are needed.
Learning to set boundaries clearly, in a way that includes the heart,
is a delicate matter and an important skill. The head randomly
associates, fantasizes and interprets what the other person says or
does. It mistakenly claims knowledge about the other person's internal
experience. Using negative judgments such as "You always do
this" or "You are that" are fabulous heart killers.
Translating the judgment into a statement of personal experience
would sound more like: "I see your tears and hear you are
upset." Replaying our example in a manner that protects the heart
could sound like this:
She: "Sweetheart, I hear you want this to be done and it
seems to be urgent to you. I am here to do this with you. Could you do
me a favor please and ask me rather than ordering? And would you also
please look at me when you talk?"
He (looking at her): "Is this better? Can we do this right
now together? It would be great if we could get it done today."
It looks good on paper, but how can we engage such talk in
stressful or emotion-loaded situations? In order for a train to go to
another location, the tracks to the new location have to be built -
just wanting the other location won't get you there. Here are some NLP
steps to building new tracks and supporting the path of the heart. I
suggest extended practice and patience.
