Raising Indigo Kids
by Kimberly Chancey

Every child needs to know that there is at least one person in the world who loves him or her unconditionally. You are a lucky parent if you can be that person to your child – or to any child.

Many years ago, child care professionals began noticing new patterns of behavior developing between parents and their children. Specifically, they observed many new characteristics setting these children apart from previous generations. The giftedness of these children was unusual in such high numbers. In addition, their non-conformity to traditional systems made it challenging to effectively parent and teach them.

According to Lee Carroll and Jan Tober, authors of The Indigo Children: The New Kids Have Arrived, “The Indigo Child is a boy or girl who displays a new and unusual set of psychological attributes, revealing a pattern of behavior generally undocumented before. This pattern has singularly unique factors that call for parents and teachers to change their treatment and upbringing of these kids to assist them in achieving balance and harmony in their lives, and to help them avoid frustration.”

Although Indigo children have been born throughout many decades, there's a good chance your child is an Indigo if he or she was born after 1992. The rates of Indigo-born appear to increase each year – from 85% or higher of children born since 1992, 90% born since 1994, and 95% or more born now.

Some commonly described characteristics of Indigo children include

	a feeling of ‘royalty’ and obvious sense of self;
	difficulty with authority and bored easily with assigned tasks;
	frustration with ritual-oriented systems that require little creativity;
	nonconformist attitudes with ideas of how to do things better;
	refusal to engage in guilt trips;
	strong intuition and development of abstract thinking early in life;
	a noted spiritual intelligence with empathy for others;
	creatively and intellectually gifted.

The unique and rewarding challenges of parenting an Indigo child bring many new philosophies into the parent/child relationship. Whether your child is Indigo or not, however, all parents can benefit from some of the following ideas:

Use parenting as a time to remember and heal. As your children progress through various stages of their development, you are given the rare opportunity to revisit those times in your own childhood. You may find joy in remembering your own growth process or use the occasion to heal the wounds of your past, some of which you may have even forgotten.

Have clear boundaries. Although you may respect and honor your children, remember that your role is to help them, teach them, and protect them as they mature. Children are happiest when they feel the security of your influence and protection. It is often frightening to a child to feel in control of a situation when he or she doesn’t feel capable. Recognize that your job is to give your children a positive environment in which to experience joy, security, safety and health. Choosing to have that emotional experience is the child’s responsibility.

When taking care of everyone else, remember to include yourself. Your children benefit with the model of how to live life successfully as you see it.

Honor your own feelings. Recognize that sometimes you may feel like throwing your kid through a window. It’s okay to feel that; it’s okay to talk about that – just don’t really do it! Find a support group or supportive friends with whom it is acceptable to talk about your feelings. In addition, schedule some personal time for yourself each week when you are freed from child-rearing responsibilities.

Embrace healthy relationships. As much as possible, create a world where there is no such thing as a victim. Creating such an environment effectively eliminates all issues of co-dependence between parent and child. It also gives your child a firm foundation to avoid future unhealthy relationships.

Honor your child’s unique spiritual perspective. Questions from your child create an optimal time to explore their feelings on a variety of subjects. For example, a three-year-old friend once asked me about angels. Before launching into my own verbose response, I asked what she thought. She told me in delightful detail all she knew about the angels who visited her. I felt grateful not to have imposed my adult perspective on her precious visions. We can learn a lot by letting children tell us what they believe. Of course, that is not a pass to skirt questions when your children are looking for information. Often, when I assumed my typical “What do you think about that?” response, my child would reply, “I don’t know, Mom. I want you to tell me.” That was my unmistakable clue to share my honest opinion.

Honor new and/or unusual skills and gifts. If your child exhibits psychic abilities, honor them without reacting with fear. Provide an open environment and share resources for your child to feel comfortable and self-accepting about these skills. When possible, provide training and support to develop this aspect of their lives. This is often the most challenging aspect for a parent, particularly if an unexplored aspect of your own life.

Keep your perspective. Things that seem monumental at the moment may prove to be trivial in hindsight. One of the miraculous things about children is that you never know what they will choose to remember. I recall feeling pressure during my children’s early years, wondering, “Will this particular moment be one that will stick with them forever?” With that thought, I tried my best to make every moment perfect. Now that my children are adults, it surprises me what they have chosen for the mosaic of their memories.

Be consistent. Respect children as human beings. Give them choices and freedom to develop, balanced with supervision and safety. Set limits that protect them but are not arbitrary. Explain why you are making decisions that affect them. As much as possible, let them create fair and appropriate rules. In raising my children, we had only one rule: “We don’t hurt anyone, including ourselves.” As they progressed through various developmental stages, talking about unique situations and how each related to our rule, my children began to understand at deeper levels and reason for themselves.

Be honest and real. Indigo children do not respond to guilt or fear-based discipline. They will not be manipulated. They also bristle when they feel people are talking down to them.

Remember to have fun. Make time to play with your child. Enjoy what you can learn from him or her. You are experiencing the most loving and sacred human experiences.

Why not prepare yourself now for the wonderful benefits to come as your children mature into adulthood? Many people believe that Indigo Children have come to assist the world in our transition to a new, higher evolutionary state. In your role as caregiver and teacher to them, you contribute immeasurably to our collective future.

Resources: www.indigochild.com This site complements books on the subject and provides educational information on identifying Indigo Children and more. www.groups.yahoo.com/group/indigo-children A support and discussion group for Indigo children, teachers, and parents. www.healing.about.com/cs/indigo Provides many links to articles related to holistic healing and the Indigo's reality.

Reverend Kimberly Chancey is an Anchorage area engineer, scientist, researcher and teacher. She conducts the Anchorage Community Spiritual Gathering, based on the belief that Universal Truth lies in the unification of Human Understanding.

Parenting Circles

by Nancy Lee-Evans

 

As so many of us know, children do not come with instruction manuals.

It’s a hectic Tuesday afternoon. You are at the supermarket frantically trying to finish shopping so that you can be home in time to meet your six-year-old daughter’s school bus. On the floor your two-year-old rants over the toy you have refused to purchase. Love, acceptance and peace are hard to find at this moment and yet they are the values you have most wanted to give your children. You begin doubting your ability as a parent and a sense of failure looms. You feel helpless in face of this two-year-old’s challenge to your values, beliefs, and stamina.

As so many of us know, children do not come with instruction manuals. Knowledge of childrearing practices used to be handed down through the extended family network of aunties, grandparents and cousins. At any one time in your life, your family web was probably rearing one or a handful of kids in the shifting stages of development that all children transit in growing up. The beauty of the extended family is that invariably someone would have encountered a challenge currently being presented. The collective wisdom was vast, close at hand and ongoing.

Now, consider the dilemma facing the modern American family. New parents find themselves on their own when new babies arrive. Both by opportunity and necessity, most families have located far from their families of origin. The American ethic of “doing it ourselves” tends to isolate nuclear families. How many of us are lucky enough to live in a stable neighborhood? Or to remain in one location for the duration of our child’s growing years? Continuity, trust and community are in short supply for contemporary families.

Add this mix to the reality of most family histories. If you were abused, dominated, or neglected while growing up, you may have sworn to “never be like my parents.” Thus, temperaments can clash and stress can strain our emotional, organizational resources to the breaking point. Caught between a rock and a hard spot of time, money and emotional resources, we often find old patterns emerging against our wishes. 

Parenting Circles can be a valuable answer to the isolation of parenting. In a parenting circle, parents meet weekly or bi-weekly with a mentoring facilitator for education and sharing. As a peer group, the parenting circle lacks the stigma and expense of a therapy group. Parenting can be a lonely job, which makes the support of parenting circles priceless—especially for single parents.

While individuals may be struggling with particular personal issues, there is a body of knowledge inherent in the group that will emulate the extended family. The facilitator supports the flow of discussion and educates the group on key aspects of parenting. Some of these may include:

Parenting styles vary widely: What works for one family may be all wrong for another. Similarly, what works for one child may not fit another. Temperament is our natural disposition or frame of mind. It is innate and can’t be trained out of a child without great emotional and spiritual damage. We often unconsciously adopt our own parents’ style and values without realizing that our children’s temperament may require something quite different. Successful parenting requires adapting to your child’s temperament without undermining your own. Knowing your parenting style, your temperament and that of your child is, thus, an important first step. 

Television and computers: The typical American child watches 6 hours of television or recreational computer games per day. In a household of two working parents, that gives the media many more hours to influence culture, values, and attentions spans than parents. Television images typically switch every 3 to 10 seconds, and have the effect of training our children’s minds to rapidly switch attention as well. In the first 10 years of life, the average child witnesses 10,000 acts of violence or death on electronic media. Recent studies have shown a linkage between violent television and movies and increased displays of aggression by children. All of this at the cost of outdoor play in natural settings that supports emotional, neurological and brain development! It is no wonder that reports of ADD, ADHD, learning disabilities and depression in children are skyrocketing.

Bonding between parent and child: A loving bond is critical for every child’s development. Unfortunately, immaturity, addiction, overwhelming life circumstances or illness of either child or parent can interfere with that process. Perhaps the most important area for new parents to understand is attachment styles. Rather than being naturally secure, parental attachment may be ambivalent. There will still be love, but the confidence in self or parent is off. All is not lost, however. Our attachment bonds can be strengthened at any age with consistency, boundaries and the commitment to be present for the relationship.

Understanding developmental stages and needs of your child: Children go through alternating stages of organization and disorganization that follow the natural rhythms of life. In short, we must gather in the new before we can organize it. I sometimes thought I was utterly failing my child as a parent, only to consult my child development books and discover that the kid was just negotiating a disorganization stage and was right on track! What a relief!

Boundaries, limits and discipline: For parents of older children, boundaries and discipline can be greatly facilitated when your child is included in the process. A child who is involved in setting limits and consequences is much more likely to live by them. 

Becoming clear on your own values and developing your own skills: Parenting circles are a great place to gain clarity on your own values and needs. Then, you can negotiate from a position of strength, confidence and generosity rather than anxiety. Listening skills are critically important here as well, and can be practiced as a natural part of the parenting circle. Knowing how to follow through, understanding when enough is enough, and learning to say ‘no’ are all skills strengthened by the support of a peer group.

The bottom line for most parents, and the community at large, is how can we effectively and lovingly be there for our kids? In a world of almost certain and dramatic change, how can we preserve and protect our children’s resilience, capability and eagerness for life? This is our greatest challenge as parents and we don’t have to do it alone.

Nancy Lee-Evans is a mother, healer, counselor and director of the Anam Cara Program of Spiritual Development. For more on parenting circles, classes and private sessions, call 345-6760.

Some form of baby sling has been used by almost every culture on our planet for thousands of years. In fact, it is believed that even before the art of weaving fiber into fabric, people used baby slings made of animal hide.

Today, this ancient form of parenting is making a comeback in Western cultures. Dozens of different types of slings are now available, primarily offered through small, parent-owned companies, and often sewn by hand.

Carrying an infant in a sling may seem odd to our Westernized mind. Most parents begin parenthood with a variety of gadgets and devices designed to keep our infants in a separate carrier without a lot of physical contact. However, researchers have been studying "baby-wearing" for decades. What they have found is a wide array of benefits proffered by the use of a sling. A sling is relatively inexpensive, but its benefits are truly priceless. For instance:

	A randomized, controlled test reported in Pediatrics showed that carrying babies  in a sling reduces crying and fussiness 43% during the day and 51% at night.
	A baby is unable to discharge its own energy when laying on its back looking at  the ceiling or the inside of a stroller hood. When carried in a sling, your baby shares in your walking, talking, working, laughing, and playing—and is able to  discharge that energy in the most pleasurable way.
	Studies with monkeys have shown that those deprived of touch have more  difficulty coping with stress than those who are held. Stress is known to cause  diseases in humans. Carried babies see and experience the world: they participate  with their parents; develop their senses faster; cry less, learn more, and thrive  better because they are less bored and more relaxed and secure.
	Carrying infants in a sling not only reduces irritability, but protects them from too  much environmental stimuli. According to Dr. T. Berry Brazelton, the renowned  pediatrician and author of many popular child development books, each infant  has an individual threshold for stimulus, which can be used for organization  and learning. Stimulation which exceeds this threshold overloads the infant  and sets up defenses that are likely to be costly to future development.
	Some level of distress is inevitable and unavoidable for newborns, but excessive  irritability found in infants prenatally exposed to drugs places extra demands on  their parents and other caregivers. The ability to calm an infant is important for  parent/infant attachment. A calmer, less irritable infant feeds better, is more  socially responsive, and more likely to develop better parent/infant relationships. In addition, less frustrated babies (and less frustrated parents) are less often the  victims of child abuse.
	Clinical studies have shown frequent carrying makes a baby less prone to  undesirable addictions. Insecurity makes us less able to appropriately cope with  life's trials, and we thus substitute by developing unhealthy addictions—everything  from alcohol and drugs to overeating, overspending, overworking, etc. A baby  in a sling who feels warmth, pleasure and a oneness with its parent, has little  reason to develop an addictive personality.
	A baby raised in a sling needs to be carried less when older than those who are  reared in mechanical devices. Sling babies are less clingy. This is because they  are more secure, self-reliant, and confident. They also give their parent cues  that they want to be set down to crawl off and explore and play—rather than  tugging on mommy's skirt, whining to be picked up.
	Clinical studies for prenatally drug-exposed infants found that the rhythmic motion,  reduced light, and curved, supported position provided by a sling had a rapid  soothing and stabilizing effect on the baby. It was also found that slings are more  effectively soothing and stabilizing than a single form ( e.g., just motion). In addition, infant sleep periods were extended and symptoms of irritability (such as prolonged crying) were reduced.
	Older brothers and sisters are more accepting and less jealous of a new arrival  when it is carried in a sling. This is because mom is not "tied down" to the baby,  and has her hands free to give attention to the other children.

Despite loud protests from our infants, we have continued to devise gadgets and systems for coping with the protests of infants being separated from us. The baby sling offers an extremely simple but incredibly effective way to reconnect with our babies and nurture them in a way that is critical to their survival and development.

Ideally, an infant should be worn in a sling from birth. Just as a baby grows inside a mother's womb, feeling and hearing her warmth, heartbeat, voice and movements, so should the baby continue to experience this security after birth. Through toddlerhood, when children begin to physically explore their world but don't yet have the stamina to walk for long distances, a sling provides a comfortable and familiar place from which to step out into the unknown, trusting that a pair of warm arms is close behind.

When a sling is used since birth, the baby welcomes it with little protest and continues to enjoy it as he or she grows older. Older babies or toddlers will occasionally fuss a little if a sling is newly introduced. However, placing the baby or toddler in it and immediately walking or dancing will usually calm the child and acclimate him or her to this new but familiar experience of "baby-wearing."

The sling distributes the child's weight in such a way that the mother feels immediate relief and a greater enthusiasm for picking up her child—thus giving him or her the warmth and closeness all our children so desperately need and deserve.

Mindy Goorchenko teaches childbirth education and provides labor support. She also feels passionately about slings and distributes them from the Midwives Birth Center in Anchorage, AK. You can contact her at mindygoorchenko@gmail.com