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Milestone
by Martha S. Barber
We do
not know in advance just how much time
we have to perform our life's work. |
A mother of four who
was in her fifties once confided to me that she was still angry with
her mother for dying and leaving her. I also remember my mother
grieving the loss of her mother long after the event of death had
occurred. There were days of misery lost in self-pity, as she was
oblivious to the wealth of life surrounding her.
My mother died nine
days after my 21st birthday and just after her 50th. I was present
with her in the moment of her passing. My experience preceding that
moment and following it brought me several realizations:
We do not know in
advance just how much time we have to perform our life's work. When we
are able to hold this fundamental fact firmly in mind in all our
interactions with each other, we may find that the quality of the
interaction changes, that our little irritations, wants and desires
are at once seen as ridiculous, self-centered, and insignificant. We
may see that each moment of life is precious, and we may imbue our
interactions with respect, value and love. No amount of wishing we had
acted differently can change the fact after a loved one is gone.
As Mother assisted me
to be born, I was able to assist Mother in letting go. First, I had to
let go of the demand for Mother to continue playing the "mother
role." I replaced this demand with respect for her as an equal
and accepted responsibility for myself. When she expressed misgivings
about having to leave because we might need her, I assured her that
she had performed her work with respect to my older siblings and me
and that we would look after our younger brother.
Secondly, I did not
allow myself to indulge in self-pity, horror or sadness while sitting
with her in the hospital. I simply provided as much of an atmosphere
of love and acceptance as was possible for me at that time. I had
learned three years earlier that no amount of resistance, demand,
wailing and grieving changed the fact of my father's death. It only
added a burden to him as well as to those closest to me.
Mother's
death marked a milestone in my life. It was necessary to cooperate with
the process and assist in allowing her transition to be a peaceful and
even a joyous one. Being in her presence at the moment of her passing
brought an exquisite sense of peace and well being for which there are
no adequate words. In order to allow this experience it was necessary to
stop being a child and to simply BE.
Martha
Barber is a Licensed and Nationally Certified Massage Therapist with
a Master's degree in Experimental Psychology who encourages body-mind
integration and well being. Saturday appointments: 258-4195 Direct
message: 223-7229.
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Let
Go and Live a Richer Life
Denise
Knapp
Are
you passing on your own negative ideas and habits to your
children?
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Over the years I have
taken workshops, seminars and self-improvement courses; I have been
hypnotized, analyzed and have visualized. All of this to assist in
letting go of childhood experiences that have not allowed me to be the
whole, perfect and complete woman that I know I truly am.
How many times as a child
were you told “no” without an explanation of why? Would you
believe that my Mother used to brag about what a perfect child I was? To
her, this meant she could take me anywhere and I would not touch
anything. She said I would walk around a room and put out my arm,
saying, “Don’t touch; don’t touch!”
Although in my mother’s
eyes, this made me a model child, I now wonder what it did for my
self-esteem and the natural exploratory nature that is so important for
any child growing up. My mother’s favorite saying was, “Be
seen and not heard.” Ouch! No wonder I was an introvert,
and the doctors thought I had an ulcer when I was 13! I was afraid to
speak my mind about anything.
Have you experienced
similar issues during childhood? Are you passing on your own negative
ideas and habits to your children? It’s a wise idea to look at what we
are saying—not only to our children, but also to our spouse, partner,
friends and co-workers. “Do unto others as you would have them
do unto you” is one of the most challenging codes for many of us to
follow.
So, how to begin? You
might start by being aware of your own thoughts and looking for old
patterns. When an incident happens that normally would trigger a
“no” or negative comment, analyze why that response or negative
thought arose. Is it a pattern from your childhood? Is it
really necessary to make any comment at all? What would be the result if
you did not open your mouth to respond in a negative way or—better
yet—if you turned your statement into something positive? Perhaps you
might explain why you feel differently (without being critical of the
other person) and how you respect his or her opinion, as we are all
unique individuals with different views to offer. Or, what about a hug
and a smile without any comment at all? What sort of reaction
might that bring from your child, spouse, friend or partner?
We all know this is
easier said than done. So, even if you go ahead and speak your
mind, you might at least start looking at what the pattern is, so that
next time—just maybe—you may begin seeing immediately when an action
or a statement from another is negatively charging your battery.
After all, it is only when we become aware that we can begin to change.
Be patient with yourself; old habits may take years to break.
Remember, every negative
thought or statement we release to the world creates more negativity. I
believe the majority of us want to create peace in this world.
This starts with me, with you, with each of us--one at a time. This is a
major shift in thinking for most of us. I cannot change anyone else
until I change myself. And, most likely, neither can you.
In Anchorage for 26 years, Denise Knapp has
worked in health and childcare. She owns A Rabbit Creek B&B &
Antiques, and is an independent distributor for mangosteen fruit juice.
345-0733; winwin@alaska.net; www.goxsu.com/winwin.
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Our
Children’s Coming of Age
by Marianne
Rolland
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“We
can’t rely solely on the traditional ceremonies of the past.
We must have the courage to create new ceremonies in the present
so there will be traditions for our children, grandchildren and
our great grand children to follow.”
~
Berniece Falling Leaves |
I love children—not just my birth children, but all children of our
Mother Earth. I know from a deep source of wisdom residing within my
being that our children are our ancestors. They come to this earth
through those of us who are physical mothers to share their light and
gifts with humanity. We, as parents, have a responsibility to protect,
nurture and honor the sacredness of their lives. I cannot think of a
more worthy expenditure of our energy as a society than to focus
attention on honoring our children—by investing in the ones who will
inherit the responsibility to care for the planet. The future state of
our Mother Earth depends on the health status of our children—all of
our children.
Some years ago
I discovered a beautiful, ancient tradition that is one way we can
insure our children are properly acknowledged as they transition into
adulthood: to honor them with a Coming of Age Ceremony.
I first heard of these ceremonies given for young women and men
from Athabascan elders in the Copper River area. If we were to draw
purely on their traditional practices, we would provide a series of
coming of age ceremonies, teachings, practices and rituals to be
performed progressively at each stage of a child’s development.
Ancient wisdom
tells us that the proper training, teachings and ceremonies are
required for children to evolve into responsible, respectful and
contributing members of society. This wisdom is embedded in many of
the names for our Native peoples, as the words Yupik, Inupiat,
Aluitiiq, Unangan, Denà and others literally mean “real human
being.” The Coming of
Age Ceremony that welcomes young men and women into adulthood is one
opportunity to insure that society is entrusted to real human
beings—to those who have been properly trained and are capable of
carrying out responsible behavior in all aspects of their lives and in
service to humanity.
Setting intent
and speaking from one’s heart is critical to a successful ceremony,
as attested to by Arnold Booth, an elder from Metlakatla. When Arnold
was a little boy and started to chop wood with an axe, his Bah-eha
(grandfather) watched him from their porch. Suddenly, Arnold looked up
and found Bah-eha standing before him with a serious look up on his
face. Speaking the Tsimshian language so that he could be heard by the
alder and cedar trees and any animals within ears’ reach, Bah-eha
said, “This is the one who can chop wood so that his family will
stay warm; this is the one who can chop for his community; this is the
one who can chop wood…safely.” Arnold’s Bah-eha did this simple
ceremony each time the boy learned something new, such as sailing his
first boat or catching his first fish. Arnold’s Bah-eha found a way
to continue an ancient ceremony which had been increasingly forgotten
as his people became influenced by Western culture. Arnold’s Bah-eha
knew that this ceremony involved the whole tribe, and that each tribal
member felt the anticipation and joy and, finally, the celebration of
his nephew’s coming of age.
Coming of Age
ceremonies serve to acknowledge a young person’s transition from
adolescence to adulthood and publicly recognize a child for the first
time as an adult. In our experience of the Western world, this
transition into adulthood normally happens without a formal or public
celebration. The “Sweet Sixteen” birthday may be a subtle
acknowledgement of this transition, although it lacks the power of a
formal ceremony. Historically, among indigenous peoples (including the
cultures of Europe), the Coming of Age Ceremony was as significant as
a birth, marriage or death ceremony.
In the early
1990s, while working in the community of Yakutat, I was fortunate to
become friends with Walter and Maryanne Porter. One evening, while
discussing matters of spiritual development over a cup of tea,
Maryanne spoke up on behalf of our two oldest daughters (who at the
time were 9 and 11). “It is time we start planning for their
ceremony,” Maryanne said. “We will have an Aunties ceremony…a
Coming of Age…Welcome into Womanhood ceremony”. Although I had
heard about these ceremonies, I had never experienced one and
certainly never had one for myself. I was intrigued and
excited—fascinated and honored to be a part of a learning process
that would allow me to further express the love I have for my daughter
and to honor my friend’s daughter as we helped launch them into
adulthood.
With serious
words spoken and commitments made from the heart, we began planning
the ceremony for Carly and Alice. There were many tasks for us to
accomplish: aunties and grandmothers to be notified; decisions to be
made. Each young woman would be presented with a ceremonial medicine
vest created out of the fabric and color of her choice. Carly selected
soft white leather, while Alice picked black wool felt. Maryanne and I
sewed our daughter’s vests, but the real work came with all of the
bead work that needed to be created.
We made a list of the aunties and grandmothers that we would
invite to participate, and sent out formal invitations. I had never
done bead work, so my learning curve was high. As I was living in
Metlakatla, some of the ladies there helped me. They were excited and
even formed a beading group as several of us devoted our time to
making beautiful beaded butterflies and flowers for my daughter’s
vest. (The butterfly “adabiish” in Tsimshian is the clan totem
given to all visitors of Annette Island who are neither blood or
adopted members of one of the four-clan moieties of Eagle, Wolf, Raven
or Killer Whale.)
I was so
pleased when my birth mother and biological sister in faraway Idaho
agreed to make beaded pieces for my daughter’s vest—this was also
their first venture into the art of beading. Many close female friends
of the family who had a special relationship with Carly were invited
as adopted “aunties” to participate. Beaded artwork arrived from
around Alaska, New Mexico, Arizona, Washington and Oregon. From
Oregon, I learned that my close friend Susan Friedman was at the same
time preparing for her daughter’s Bat Mitzvah, which is a part of
the coming of age ritual for a Jewish girl . With each beaded piece
came important messages, teachings, stories and words of wisdom that
the maker wanted to impart to the girls. All of these would be shared
at the time of the ceremony. In addition to the vests, we made each
girl a medicine bag, beaded eagle feather and leather slippers or
moccasins.
During this
time, while attending a conference in Arizona, an Apache elder
approached me and inquired about the beading I was working on. As I
shared with her about the upcoming ceremony, a big smile came across
her face. She told me how the women from her tribe were preparing for
the coming of age ceremony in honor of her twin granddaughters, and
that this ceremony would last for four days. A sacred fire would burn
continuously for the entire time and ancient dances would be
performed. In Apache tradition, this ceremony was known as a puberty
ceremony. Today it is referred to as the Sunrise Dance and consists of
eight phases of ritual.
I shared that
we would be taking our girls into the woods for four days in final
preparation before the actual ceremony. The girls would be asked to
remain silent and prayerful during this time, as they focused on
making gifts to thank each of the women who would be attending their
ceremony and each of the aunties and grandmothers (adopted and birth)
who contributed from a distance.
It took us
close to four years to prepare for the ceremony. When the time finally
arrived in July of 1996, Walter Porter and his boys drove Maryanne and
me, our two daughters, the family dogs, and all of our gear to a
remote location. After helping pack in our supplies to an old forest
service cabin a mile off the dirt road, we were left to the elements
to make final preparations for the ceremony. The girls filled their
days making bone and beaded leather chokers and necklaces for our
guests that were scheduled to arrive on the fourth day. Maryanne and I
continued our task of sewing beaded pieces on the vests as we spoke to
the girls about the many challenges, joys and responsibilities of
becoming women. We also selected and prepared the perfect site for the
ceremony. We offered tobacco and prayed to the Great Sprit and
Ancestors for blessings, support, protection and guidance.
The day of the
ceremony was joyful. All of the gifts and medicine items were
complete. The clouds parted for us to enjoy the warmth of the radiant
sun as one of the elders from the village began to drum and sing in
her traditional way. The air filled with happiness as the women from
town arrived at our camp site and gathered in circle. The instant the
ceremony began, we spotted a pair of eagles circling overhead; and, as
the drumming continued, we could feel the animals of the forest
gathering to watch us. Ravens chattered in the trees and bear watched
respectfully from a distance. Each girl was escorted from the cabin
wearing her new medicine items and was introduced to the group of
women who, in turn, welcomed her into the circle of women. An opening
prayer signified our acknowledgment of the spirit world and provided
words of thanks and humility for this sacred gathering.
Stories from
each of the girl’s childhoods were shared, and each woman offered
her thoughts about womanhood, advice for life and words of wisdom.
Each beaded piece represented a message imparted by its maker and all
of these were voiced. After
the ceremony ended, everyone enjoyed a wonderful feast of organic
vegetables and fresh seafood caught, gathered and prepared by the
women of the village.
Later, as I
reflected back on the process, I realized that the period of time
preparing for the ceremony was as meaningful to the girls as the
ceremony itself. Each bead that we sewed was a prayer from the heart
for our daughters; each item prepared and the sharing and discussions
that ensued were all significant aspects of the ceremony. We were
showing the girls throughout the process what treasures they are to
us, as we taught and modeled to the best of our ability how to live as
real human beings. In a way, we did the same thing that Arnold
Booth’s grandfather did for him.
Approximately
one year after Carly’s ceremony, I knew it was time to begin
preparing for the ceremony of my second birth daughter, Christina. The
first was quite an adventure—yet it was a lot of work. I wondered:
Do I have the energy to do this again? In the instant I asked the
question, I realized I already knew the answer. My commitment to
honoring Christina was a given. We were in the midst of moving,
however, so it would have to wait until we settled in Anchorage.
The planning
and preparation for Christina’s ceremony was similar to the one for
Carly and Alice, only this time I was on my own—for Maryanne and
Walter had moved to Kotzebue. I struggled with where to hold the
ceremony and wondered how Christina and I would be able to take four
days away from our busy lives in Anchorage. As soon as I gave myself
permission to stop worrying about the details, however, everything
fell into place.
Christina
selected black felt for her medicine vest. An Athabascan elder friend
living in Anchorage offered to help me with the beading. Christina’s
aunt, grandmother and many adopted aunties also began work on beaded
pieces. My new friend, Christy Prairie Chicken, agreed to lead the
ceremony incorporating her traditional Lakota songs and a pipe
ceremony. My teacher, grandmother and elder friend, Berniece Falling
Leaves, offered to prepare Christina’s medicine bag. I gave up the
idea that we needed to go to the woods and followed my intuition that
we could create a beautiful honoring ceremony right here in Anchorage,
in our spacious and sacred healing room.
Even though I
had been planning, thinking and talking with Christina about her
ceremony for the past four years, it only took four months to pull all
the details together. In early August, 2002, just four days before her
16th birthday, fifteen women gathered (in physical &
spirit) to honor and welcome Christina Rose into womanhood. It was one
of the most beautiful ceremonies I have ever participated in and I
know it touched Christina deeply. The gathering awakened places in all
the women who were present. None of the participants had experienced
their own ceremony, and there wasn’t a dry eye in the room as we
progressed through the different phases of the ritual. The final piece
of the ceremony was a “Thank You” in which Christina honored each
guest with a beautiful beaded necklace; each one she had made herself
and had special meaning to the woman it was created for. As with all
gatherings of this type, we had a wonderful feast afterward, which was
prepared by some of the men in our lives!
I felt a
lovely sense of relief when my daughters’ ceremonies were
complete… Until one day when my son asked me, “Mom, you will hold
a ceremony for me too, right? You will make me a vest, right? Won’t
you, mom?” I explained to my son that it was my understanding that
it would be up to his father, his uncles, and the men in the family to
create an appropriate Coming of Age ceremony for him. I did assure
him, however, that he would have one. And so I began helping my
husband with the planning at once.
In October of
2005, once again in the healing room of our home and center, we
conducted a ceremony for Kayin, who had recently turned 14 years old.
This gathering was the most emotional and powerful ceremony I have
ever witnessed. Fourteen incredibly healthy men who know and love
Kayin took eight hours on a Sunday afternoon and evening to
participate in focused ceremony and celebration to honor my son. All
of these loving, spiritual and gifted men my son had attracted into
his life were, in this formal way, acknowledging what his life meant
to them as they welcomed him into manhood.
The night
before the ceremony, my husband had a dream. Uncle Walter Porter (a
Tlingit Elder who was to lead the ceremony) interpreted the dream and
used it as a guide for the ceremony. While the men spent two hours in
the healing room preparing, Kayin spent time alone in his downstairs
room, resting in silence, waiting and waiting. Finally, at 6 pm, Uncle
Walter descended into Kayin’s room to “wake him up.” The
drumming, which symbolized the beating of the heart, had started and
Kayin was told, “It is time.”
Kayin was
blindfolded and guided up three sets of stairs. The blindfolding
represented walking alone in the wilderness, which symbolizes that as
human beings we are essentially alone as we go through life.
Men were
stationed at intervals from downstairs to the healing room on the
third level. As Kayin was guided, each man stopped him and spoke to
him softly in his ear with words from the heart. These whisperings
represented messages from the Sprit world.
Arriving in
the ceremonial room, Kayin remained blindfolded and was placed in the
center of the circle. He listened to a bear calling song, sung by one
of the participants. The song was intended to clear the room and
provide protection. Kayin and all of the participants were then
smudged with an eagle feather, sweet grass, sage and cedar. An
honoring song was sung and each man sat before Kayin and shared with
him personal viewpoints, life experiences and words of encouragement.
It was pointed out to Kayin that even though his childhood was coming
to a close, he would know when to allow the child within him to come
out.
When the
blindfold was taken off, the elder relative told Kayin a story of how
the people of the Copper River migrated a thousand years ago to the
community now known as Yakutat. They intermarried and became known as
Tlingit people. The Elder told Kayin, “This is now part of your
history.” He then presented Kayin with a deer skin vest with the
Raven/Moon crest that was made, designed and painted by his father. He
was also given an ivory necklace with an image of a hunter with a
spear and a seal, to signify his Yupik ancestry. The hunter represents
a man’s responsibility to provide for his family. The seal reminds
us that animals give their lives to us only if we treat them with
respect. When the Elder completed his part of the ceremony, all of the
men came and hugged Kayin and welcomed him into manhood.
Kayin gave
each man a handmade necklace, individually created with a symbol that
had personal meaning, which he took time to share with the recipients.
Kayin cried as he presented his gifts to the men and told each man how
grateful he was for their presence in his life and for the ceremony.
To close the
ceremony, all of the women who were busily preparing the feast of
Kayin’s favorite foods were called to the healing room for the
presentation of the Blue Moon Medicine Necklace. This gift, which was
made in the late 1800s, came from Berniece Falling Leaves, a
Lakota/Danish medicine woman and Kayin’s adopted grandmother. The
original owner of the necklace was a Choctaw chief who wore a
ceremonial white eagle feather head piece which touched the ground as
he rode his horse. Kayin accepted this gift with gratitude as he
listened to the instructions of how to wear and care for the necklace.
We had a wonderful dinner with lots of visiting after the
ceremony.
Now I really
felt an incredible sense of relief! It had been over ten years of
preparing and planning and hosting Coming of Age ceremonies, one for
each of my three birth children. I had fulfilled my obligation and my
heartfelt commitment to my children; it truly was a blessing for us
all.
As my beloved
teacher Berniece Falling Leaves, who had shared many ceremonies with
me, once said: “You know, Marianne, we can’t rely solely on the
traditional ceremonies of the past. We must have the courage to create
new ceremonies in the present so there will be traditions for our
children, grandchildren and our great grand children to follow.”
My hope is
that I have followed this advice well. My vision is that we will
increasingly manifest ways to honor our young people by drawing from
the vast and rich multicultural traditions in our histories, the power
of our own spirits, and the pure intent to honor every young person on
the planet with a Coming of Age Ceremony. Ah Ho!
Marianne
Rolland
MSW, Ph.D. is the founder of White
Raven Center Inc. of Anchorage, which specializes in the treatment
of PTSD and provides outreach training and treatment to village
Alaska. WRC staff is available to assist with the creation of Coming
of Age and other ceremonies. Contact: 333-4478 or w.raven@att.net.
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Parenting
from the Heart or Head?
by Jackie Kosednar
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Because
of the abundance of parenting myths—especially in our
society—parents are some of the guiltiest people on the
planet. |
With my first
two kids, I studied parenting like crazy, trying to apply all the
rules that the professionals recommended. Like most of us, I tried
very hard to do it ‘right’ and be a ‘good’ parent. After all,
society tells us that if we do it right, our children will be
successful contributing members of society. But guess what? This is
just not true; in fact, it’s a huge myth. Who has ever ‘done it
right’ anyway? Because of the abundance of parenting
myths—especially in our society—parents are some of the guiltiest
people on the planet.
Part of the
problem of applying those ‘good parent’ rules to every child is
that many times they simply don’t work. Society’s rules—and many
rules of psychology—are generalized, as if they can apply to all
children. And yet children are not all the same; each is a unique
individual. As such, they don’t all act or respond alike. Some
children are born wise while others are dense. Some are responsible
and others couldn’t care less about being responsible. Some are
naturally afraid and still others are restless and risk-taking.
Obedient children are easy to parent, but willful ones can drive you
crazy. So, how can you ever treat them equally?
To top it off,
the professionals have changed the rules dramatically since I started
the whole parenting thing. Of course, the rules are always changing.
Since I was
basically abandoned and neglected as a child, I had no role modeling
to fall back upon. I thus overcompensated in many ways in an effort to
never abandon or neglect my children. At times I became a control
freak to keep it all together. Still, when I abandoned them
emotionally, I felt the intense guilt set in.
We all make
mistakes. And because of that, it’s important for us to see that
there really are no perfect parents.
I admit that I
am not, by nature, a good parent. It is amazing that I’ve had so
many children and we’ve all stumbled along reasonably well. Through
parenting experience, and working with people’s psychological
problems in session, I’ve often wondered: why can you do it all
wrong and have your children turn out right? Or how can you do it all
right and have them come out wrong?
One big way
you can beat all the parenting illusions and compensate for your
weaknesses at the same time is to throw out all the parenting books.
Instead, begin to parent from the heart. Believe me, this is not an
easy task.
Parenting from
the heart requires a conscious person who sees each child as different
and relates to them accordingly. I love to run Human Design charts on
families and show parents their child’s character and their own
character on paper. So many times parents can then relax. They
didn’t make their child the way they are—the Universe did.
Not only is
each child different, each parent is different. Accepting your
shortcomings as well as your gifts helps your children do the same.
Uniqueness comes from imperfection. It is better to stop pretending
that perfection is possible and just be yourself; give yourself
permission to make mistakes like we all do.
We are so
socially conditioned to parent from the head and follow rules that we
often ignore our intuition and our heart when it comes to our
children. Natural instinct (intuition) is frowned upon as not
reliable. The professionals know best; do it their way. That myth has
caused more pain and heartache to parents and children than we can
imagine. It amazes me that people will take the advice of an
“expert” even if that expert doesn’t have children!
Only you
really know your children, you know what is right for them. Tune into
your own heart and let it lead in your interactions with your kids.
See if that makes a difference. If you come from a space of love,
abuse becomes impossible. Love and abuse cannot co-exist. Love is an
energy, a frequency, a vibrational force that can feed our children
like good food.
Parenting from
the heart sounds easy, but it isn’t. Egos have their own agenda. The
heart is much quieter than the ego. Egos are loud and insist that the
mind backs them up. The heart is quiet and depends more on the Soul.
The heart doesn’t think; rather, it feels and sees. It sees the
uniqueness of each child and plays to that. It recognizes their needs
and their gifts and nurtures them. Without thought, it knows what is
right - in that instance -
with that child. The heart
sees the perfection in each child, even if that perfection is composed
of imperfection. And this is what makes a child grow with self-esteem:
to be accepted and recognized for who he or she really is.
Even if you
know that you are not a good parent by nature, it can all turn out
okay.
To practice
parenting from the heart, tune into your consciousness to see where
you are coming from. If you find yourself in an ego state, being
abusive or controlling or doing whatever your ego does, take a breath.
Allow yourself to consciously shift into love. Ask yourself: “What
would love do?” Wait for all the uppity emotions to calm down. There
is no clarity in emotional storms; acting from a strong emotional
state leads to an over- reaction. Allow a calm wave to transport you
from ego to heart. Know that with practice it becomes easier and
easier.
Did I mention
that you also need to trust your heart? Most of us don’t. At the
same time, trusting our heart doesn’t mean abandoning our ego. We
all need ego for survival so don’t try to get rid of it. Make
friends with your ego as you put the heart in the lead.
Like mom and dad, both heart and ego are necessary. We just
need to lead with the heart. After all, that’s what makes a person
conscious or not. So why not be a conscious parent? Lead with your
heart.
Jackie
Kosednar
is a hypnotherapist, energy medicine practitioner, human design
consultant, spiritual counselor, and the publisher of Alaska Wellness
Magazine. She can be reached at 272-2469, wellness@gci.net
or www.jackiekosednar.com
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Raising
Sexually Healthy Children
by Chris Reynolds
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Much
of our culture encourages children (and adults) to adopt a sense
of sexuality that’s built on a foundation of fear and anxiety.
How can parents help their children grow up to be sexually
healthy? |
Raising sexually healthy
children in our culture requires courage, knowledge and, most
importantly, a proactive parenting style. Just as parents take an
active role in helping their children to develop healthy habits around
nutrition, sleep, and exercise, they can be proactive in helping their
children to develop a healthy sense of sexuality. Why is it important?
Because much of our culture encourages children (and adults) to adopt
a sense of sexuality that’s built on a foundation of fear and
anxiety. To balance these messages, parents need to be active in
educating their children about their sexual lives.
Sexuality is a lifelong developmental
part of everyone’s personality. It includes such things as gender
roles, physical changes (puberty, menopause, etc.), emotional
attractions, and our physical bodies. Very young children start to
explore their bodies before they even have the words to describe what
they’re doing. But parents have those words—and more: we have
values to guide them, resources to educate them, encouragement to
support them, and ears to listen to them as they struggle to develop
as sexual beings. Following are four important ways parents can help
their children grow up sexually healthy.
Increase
Your Ability to Talk about Sexuality
“Sexuality” is different than
“sexual intercourse.” Research indicates that most parents talk to
their teenage kids on some level about sexual intercourse, but have
you had a conversation with your 3-year-old about him/her touching
his/her genitals? Have you had a conversation with your 5-year-old
about the “doctor game” kids sometimes play? Have you had a
conversation with your 11-year-old about kissing and other sexual
contact? These are developmentally common behaviors. They’re also
great opportunities to help your child develop sexual values and
decision-making skills in a context that’s relevant to her/him.
Just as you educate yourself about
your child’s biological and educational milestones, you can educate
yourself about your children’s sexual milestones so that you can be
better prepared for their needs. Here are a few communication tips:
 |
Avoid the “Birds and Bees” talk.
This event usually ends up feeling like a lecture,
and is nerve-wracking for both parent and child. Instead, try
having lots of little
talks every week or so. This will show that you’re a parent who
can be approached
anytime about sexuality. Additionally, you might consider using
one of the many
sexuality education books made for parents and kids to read
together.
|
|
Turn on the radio, TV, or DVD player.
Our culture is overflowing with opportunities
to talk about sexuality, especially if you expand the definition
to include relationships,
gender roles, and so on. Unfortunately, only two types of
sexuality are prominent
in the media: erotic sexuality and examples of how people use sex
to hurt others.
But these are good springboards to discussing many other aspects
of your children’s
sexual lives.
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Have a conversation with your partner
within earshot of your child that embraces
sexuality. This can be a good way to model healthy sexuality for
those parents
who are in the process of getting comfortable talking with their
kids about the
subject, but might not quite be there yet.
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Ask about your kid’s relationships.
What are his/her classmates doing? Is she/he
thinking about boys or girls yet? How does he/she make decisions
about relationships
that honor self/others? When these conversations begin before
kindergarten, they’re
easier to have in middle and high school when the stakes are
higher.
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Be an ask-able parent. Make sure your
kids know that they can come to you with
any question they might have about sexuality—then make sure you
never make them
sorry they asked. This is an important tool for raising sexually
healthy children, but
not enough by itself; some parents wait forever for their children
to approach them
while their kids sexually develop by trial and error.
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Teach
Them Their Sexuality is a Great Thing
Children begin to associate feelings
with their sexuality from a very early age. For example, a child whose
parents are relaxed and comfortable when their child may see them
naked learns that a naked body is an okay thing. If the same child’s
parents became anxious or condemning of the child’s curiosity, the
child is more likely to assume that her/his naked body is something to
be anxious about.
If you adopt the attitude in your
home that sexuality is a wonderful thing, you’ll be bucking a
powerful myth: Sexuality is Dangerous. We don’t say that money or
food are inherently dangerous, and yet both can be used to harm
ourselves or manipulate others. The same is true with sexuality. The
fact that some people use it in ways that are not caring to themselves
or others doesn’t make it any more inherently dangerous than money.
In fact, if we want our children to be responsible with their
sexuality, the way to encourage carefulness is to teach them how
wonderful it is. Children who understand this intuitively don’t
tolerate when sexual expression feels manipulative, uncaring, painful,
or dangerous.
Teach Them Sexual Decision-Making Skills
Parents are the most important
sexuality educators of their children. Research overwhelmingly
suggests that abstinence-focused sex education does not result in
delayed sexual contact. In fact, the very opposite may be true. This
is because, while abstinence is a crucial part of any comprehensive
educational plan about sexuality, focusing exclusively on abstinence
denies the opportunity to address sexual decision making. If the
answer is always supposed to be no, what is there to decide? On at
least one occasion the answer for over 60% of high school seniors has
been yes, and 100% of children have had to make a decision about their
sexual expression. When, with whom, and how to express sexuality are
questions that children struggle with on a continual basis. Teaching
them decision-making skills will help them figure out how to live
their sexual lives in ways that closely reflect their values.
Remember
that It’s Never too Late
Parents can start preparing their
children for healthy sexual lives in the first couple years of life,
but if you’ve missed that opportunity you can still be very helpful
when they’re teenagers. Research suggests that teenagers consider
their parents the most important source of sexuality education, even
when they consistently tell their parents they don’t want to talk.
Parents who start this education when their kids are teenagers may
face unique challenges, however, including children who are too
embarrassed or withdrawn to make themselves accessible. Would you give
up discussing your child’s nutritional health if they protested? How
about their wellbeing in school? Of course not; you’d probably tell
them that you’d like to understand why this is such a difficult
subject for them, but that ignoring it simply isn’t an option. The
same can be true with respect to their sexuality. They’ll probably
loosen up when they realize that you’re not going to drop it. Even
if they don’t loosen up, you can bet they’ll be listening if you
just talk.
Many
children in our community grow up without guidance regarding their
sexuality. All too often this results in a struggle to manage this
area of their lives in ways that are caring to both themselves and to
others. Fortunately, parents are the most important asset a child has
in their efforts to grow to be healthy sexual people. By acknowledging
their sexuality, teaching them it’s a beautiful thing, and helping
them develop values and decision-making skills, parents can help their
children grow to be sexually healthy adults.
Chris
Reynolds
is a therapist in private practice in Anchorage, specializing in
individual therapy, couples therapy and sexual issues. He can be
reached through his website at www.reynoldstherapy.com
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Self-Esteem
and Parenting
Jackie
Kosednar
With
awareness, you have the power to change the family patterns
and the level of self-esteem you pass down.
|
As
parents, we have tremendous power over our children. Although we may
not be able to control them, the power to shape their futures and
their destiny is in our hands. In many ways, we determine how much
basic self-esteem our children will have. In turn, this determines
their success, how happy they are, and how well they handle life.
What
is self-esteem?
Your
self-esteem—or lack of it—is based on the beliefs, opinions and
decisions you hold in your mind about yourself. This body of thinking
creates the viewpoint that determines how you frame your life. Our
self–esteem is divided between how we view our personal worth and
how competent we think we are in mastering life’s challenges. The
first conditioning we receive about ourselves comes from our family
and begins in the womb.
How
it begins
Humans
learn by imitation. We are taught how to parent by how our parents
parented us. Unless we consciously work to change it, this childhood
conditioning is what we build the foundation of our lives upon. The
first opinion a child has of itself is based on its parents’ opinion
of it.
Family
conditioning
The
next opinion a child holds about itself is the opinion mom and dad
have of themselves. If they feel incompetent, so could you. If
self-esteem runs in your family, however, your job is much easier.
Your parents treat you as if you are valuable; thus, you assign worth
to yourself. Back-up support from loved ones always strengthens our
self-confidence. Family conditioning is passed down from the
generations of people who came before us. In a sense, self-esteem runs
in families.
Finding
the threads
If
you look back closely at your childhood, you will find the subliminal
messages you received from your parents and other important family
members. If you had parents with very high standards who always wanted
you to do better, your brain may have translated that into “I am not
good enough.” If your parents in their race for success and
achievement of the American Dream didn’t have time for you, you may
have determined “I don’t matter.”
Play
it positive
In
the final analysis, we see that it often doesn’t matter how much
time you spend with your kids, but how high the quality of that time
is and how deeply the connection is made.
Make
it a point not to give your children an inheritance of negative
thinking. With awareness, you have the power to change the family
patterns and the level of self-esteem you pass down. After all, it is
only conditioning. You don’t need to keep the family tree flowering
with negative self-esteem messages. Conditioning is just
conditioning—and, like software in your computer, it can be updated
or uninstalled.
Sending
the message
The
main messages you give your child will become the foundation of his or
her belief system and future. Inside most of us is a parental voice
that sits in our heads and narrates our life, passing judgment on it.
If we had critical parents, the tape may be programmed to criticize.
If our parents were overprotective, our inner voice may be fearful.
But if our parents talked to us lovingly and their actions were
caring, then the thinking voice in our head will also be loving and
comforting.
What
to say
‘I
love you’ is the most powerful message you can give your child. Tell
your child once a day that you love and wish him or her well. Create
an attitude that reveals what a blessing your child is to you. Allow
your thoughts and actions to say: You
are good enough for me. You enrich my life.
All parents can make a huge difference in their children’s
present and future happiness simply by praising them. If you weren’t
praised as a child and it doesn’t come naturally to you, make an
effort to train yourself. Repetition creates habit. And, as you work
to condition self-esteem in your child, you are also building it into
yourself.
Parental
responsibility
On
the other hand, none of us can take total responsibility for our
children's opinion of themselves either. Sometimes being a parent is
very difficult. No matter
how aware you are, you will pass down family patterns. There are no
perfect parents and there are no perfect children. You can do it all
right, and your child still may not turn out to be a happy, successful
person. You can do it all wrong and that same child can rise above it
all. Ultimately, our children’s lives are in their own hands and in
the hands of life.
Other
forces at work
Other
forces involved in shaping a child’s self-esteem include life
destiny and individual character. We need to remember that life has an
agenda of its own. As much as we try to delude ourselves in our power
dreams, no one can control life. Call it karma, chance or fate—the
adventures of life will test everyone’s self-esteem and loyalty to
self. Problems are natural occurrences. But when we master something,
it is a win to our self-confidence and our esteem grows. By pointing
out what your child does right (instead of what is done wrong), you
build self-confidence. For each child, we can always find a win to
celebrate. Self-esteem is something that has to be continuously
protected and nurtured in adults as well as children.
We
also need to remember that every child is different, each with his or
her own strengths and weaknesses.
Some are shy, some are bold; some are highly emotional, and
others easy-going. Stubborn ones can try your patience and willful
ones can wear you out. But
no matter what, all will process life in their own unique way. We
can’t change our child’s basic character. But we can support our
children and love them for who they are.
Building
self-worth
We
all have our own character defects. The trick is to work around these
and support our children in building their strengths. Let’s say your
child loves to write all over the walls. Instead of yelling, why not
see the positive—that she may have great artistic talent. You
don’t want to stop this behavior. You want to support it. On the
other hand, you want clean walls. How about taping up paper on the
walls, providing an easel and chalkboard, or buying pads of paper to
encourage this talent? Creativity is a sign of high self-esteem.
We
need to support each child by recognizing unique talents and strength
of character. Tell your child what’s good about him or her, and keep
pointing it out. It is the road of our strengths that lead us to our
purpose and true reason for living.
Having
a high opinion of yourself is easy when it begins in childhood. For
the rest of us, it takes work. You can give your children a great gift
by treating each of them as if they are rare and unique creations of
art—so unique that you are always discovering new facets of them.
The way we treat our children is how they will treat themselves. Tell
them they are worthy.
Jackie Kosednar is a
hypnotherapist, energy medicine practitioner, personal growth trainer,
and the publisher of Alaska Wellness Magazine. She is also the author
of the book, One Miracle After
Another. She can be reached 272-2469 or jackie@alaskawellness.com
|
7
Fun Tips to Help Your Kids Organize!
By
Marlo Nikkila
Thank goodness
getting organized is a skill that can be learned and fun at
the same time.
|
Organizing
is no longer a skill that can wait until we are in high school,
college, or adulthood. It
needs to begin with young kids—today.
Why? Because they have more toys, more activities in their day,
less playtime and, frankly, less time to be a kid!
Thank
goodness getting organized is a skill that can be learned and fun at
the same time. I know what
you are probably thinking, “How can I help my kids get organized, if
I am not very organized myself?” However, this can be a win-win
situation: everything you learn for your kids can easily be applied to
your own challenges.
This
is a great opportunity to learn together and become an organized
family. What does an
organized family look like? Well,
this is totally up to you, but the benefits of becoming an organized
family mean less chaos and tension, less stress and anxiety.
It also means more flexibility and spontaneity, more quality
time together, and more time for yourself.
1. Create one room that is the
playroom. Not only will
this allow your child’s sleep room to be a place of tranquility,
peacefulness, and rest; it also prevents toys taking over the house!
2. Practice "One-In, Two-Out". For every toy that is
brought into the home, have your child choose two to donate or give to
another friend. This can also work for clothes, books, artwork, and
more! This is a great
habit for all of us to have.
3.
Finally, a Kid-Friendly Bedroom! Are you frustrated with clothes all
over their floor? The solution could be as simple as installing
shelving and rods your child can reach and making sure drawers are
easy to open and close. Get ideas from your kids about their room to
help them take ownership and love their space.
4. Zone it. Creating special zones for each room will make it easy
to know where things belong.
Examples for a playroom could include a game zone, reading
zone, doll zone, car zone. I’m
sure you get the idea.
5. Play the Out of Place Game. Once you have created a home for
toys, clothes, books, etc., ask your kids to close their eyes while
you move things around. Their
goal is to find all the items out of place and put them back in their
home. This encourages kids
to look for misplaced items, think about where they belong, and
take action to put them back. Using a timer can add another level of
challenge!
6. Play Organizing BINGO! To
make organizing a fun game, I have created a BINGO card including
simple organizing activities for kids. It even has empty blocks to add
your family’s ideas. You can make your own, or request a free
Organizing BINGO from me with a simple email to marlo@organizetogether.com.
7. Organizing Styles. If
there was only one tip I could share with you, it would be to take
time to learn about the best organizing style for your family. This
allows for more understanding, support, and great solutions.
One good resource book (which may help with more than just
organizing) is “Every Child
Has a Thinking Style” by Lanna Nakone (Perigree Trade, 2006).
Marlo Nikkila is an Organizing Coach and creator of OrganizeTogether.
You are invited to subscribe to her free monthly eNewsletter by
visiting her resourceful website at www.organizetogether.com.
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How to Raise Self-Esteem
by Jackie Kosednar
|
Praise,
validation and acceptance are the things that make any person
feel good. |
The collective goal for most parents is
to raise healthy, happy children who will eventually become good
contributing members of society. Parents want their children to
excel so they can be proud of them and feel like good parents. But
often it doesn’t turn out that way.
The ‘Criticize to Improve’ Dynamic
Everyone is conditioned and taught by the society they were raised
in. Some of us learned that the way to keep our children on the
straight and narrow path to success is to point out their faults and
punish their mistakes. We criticize in an effort to improve,
correct, and mold them. We point out character defects and expect
them to fix it. We decide what their future should look like and
encourage them to aim high. This is what good parents do. This
dynamic is supposed to build character and good behavior into us.
But it doesn’t work.
Instead, what the ‘criticize to improve’ dynamic does is to program
a subliminal message into the mind of the child that slowly destroys
natural self-esteem. The message says, "you aren’t good enough as
you are." This message plays almost daily, year after year. Thus,
natural skills, values and perception of life are gradually
suppressed while the non-natural critical voice develops. The
critical voice inside the mind can run our lives long after the
critical parent is no longer a physical force in our life.
Through criticism, the authentic self gets covered up with facades,
masks, compensations and secrets in the child’s effort to be what
the parents want. We are pulled away from our natural movement
through life, and encouraged to go in the way others think we should
go. However, it won’t be healthy for us because it’s not our way.
Out of love for, and dependency on their parents, children will try
to become what they think parents want them to be, or think they
should be, and the disease of self-hate begins. The irony is, it is
misplaced self-hate. We don’t hate the real self; we hate the false
self we have become in order to please others, and the life that
supports that falseness.
Worthiness
The parent determines the inner worth a child feels. Most people
can’t like themselves any more than their parents liked them. Since
all of us have the criticize to improve dynamic going on to some
degree, it has now become a subliminal world message. The media
bombards us with the ‘not good enough’ message through advertising.
The movies show us super beautiful people living false lives.
Achievement is valued very highly in our society. It combats the
feeling of worthlessness that plagues a criticized human being.
We enter the achievement race to ‘get ahead’ early in life. Like the
rat going round the wheel, we achieve to prove our worth but it
doesn’t work. We keep striving for more achievement, trying to be
good enough for the invisible them—now only in our heads. Later in
life, this can become a downward spiral into depression. Somehow we
can never measure up. Our natural talents and abilities, the gifts
we are designed to give to the world that would fulfill us, are
suppressed. So our lives are frustrating and unfulfilling.
We don’t have to buy into and accept the ‘not good enough’ message.
To raise self-esteem in children, or anyone, it is important that we
stop perpetuating the ‘criticize to improve’ dynamic. The trick is
to reverse it. Point out your child’s strengths and natural
interests and focus on those. Encourage them to explore their own
interests, even if they’re not yours. By pointing out their
strengths, not weaknesses, and having a different attitude about
mistakes, you help them feel validated and good about themselves.
Encouraging their interests helps them find their natural direction
in life.
Subliminal Messages
Another way to build self-esteem is to watch the other subliminal
messages you give to your child. To catch subliminal messages, look
at the meaning behind the words. Many things are implied, not direct
suggestions. Making them feel guilty, as a way to control, will
lower self-esteem and make them fearful. We often manipulate
children and loved ones by the energy behind our words. Anytime we
want to manipulate someone into thinking our way or doing it our
way, we are taking away their right to be who they are.
We are very aware of our parent’s expectations, even if they never
verbalize them. With all loved ones, the practice becomes one of
giving up expectations. If we don’t surrender our expectations, they
will become subliminal messages.
The Way of the World
We are taught that everyone makes his or her own way in life, but
this just isn’t true. We are all very different and unique. Our
essence expresses itself as personality. Some of us sparkle. Some of
us are quiet. Everyone has his or her own natural direction and
purpose to fulfill for collective mankind. Call it destiny or
dharma. There are powerful natural forces moving us all. Life has
plans for us. We can’t do-be-have anything that takes our fancy,
unless we want to be unhappy and struggle. We don’t decide exactly
how our life will go. Instead we co-create with life along certain
lines—living and developing the potentials that have been given to
us. We have all been given more potential than we can actualize in a
lifetime. How we develop our potential (or not) is up to us.
Letting your children know that they have a contribution to make and
a purpose for being here validates their existence and fosters their
individuality. In this way they will naturally find their path and
move in the direction that is correct for them. It also helps them
stay strong in their resolve when peer pressure or world thought
tries to condition them away from themselves.
Praise, validation and acceptance are the things that make any
person feel good. When mistakes happen, parents can still validate
and accept the child instead of criticizing or punishing them. All
human beings make mistakes; this is the way we learn valuable
lessons we couldn’t have learned otherwise. To disapprove of someone
because they made a mistake, tells them they should not have made
it, and takes their valuable lessons away from them. Whenever the
child makes a mistake the best response is, “What did you learn?”
We can all build self-esteem in each other. The same thing that
builds self-esteem in children also builds it in our mates and
everyone around us.
One Final Note
Criticizing to improve is a natural phenomena that helps us survive
as a race, and is strongly present in many people. If you are
critical by nature, a natural trouble-shooter, and see everything
that is not perfect, or that is out of place, know that this gift
belongs in your work place. Don’t use it on your loved ones. It’s
not your job to fix them.
Jackie Kosednar is a
hypnotherapist, energy medicine practitioner, human design analyst,
and the publisher of Alaska Wellness Magazine. She teaches workshops
on self-mastery, personal growth and Human Design, see
www.jackiekosednar.com.
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A Look at Parenting Styles
by Chris Reynolds
|
Children from
authoritative households score the highest on measures of
self-esteem, achievement, and independence. |
There are as many ways to be a parent as
there are parents in the world. However, it’s helpful to categorize
parenting styles because it gives us a language to be able to talk
about parenting. Categorization also allows us to research the
relationships between parenting styles and well-being in children.
Following is a discussion of four parenting styles: permissive,
authoritarian, uninvolved, and authoritative. They’re defined by
their differences on two axis: level of acceptance and level of
control or expectation. For each style we’ll explore how this type
of parent would handle the challenge of a toddler who refuses to go
to bed at bedtime. Keep in mind that while these are discussed as
absolute categories, in reality parents may display varying degrees
of more than one style.
The permissive parenting style is characterized by lots of
nurturance and a low degree of expectations, control and
communication. Parents who adopt this style tend to be uncomfortable
with conflict between themselves and their children, and thus avoid
confrontation. In response to the bedtime conflict, the permissive
parent would be more likely to allow the child to choose his or her
own bedtime. This may sound like pleading with the child, “Please,
would you go to bed because I’m tired and need to go to sleep, too.”
Children with permissive parents tend to be higher in measures of
aggression than children of parents with other parenting styles,
especially if the parents are permissive with regards to aggression.
These children typically experience a sense of entitlement, which
may look on the surface like good self-esteem but lacks the positive
sense of self worth of true self-esteem. Interestingly, the
permissive parenting style can look very different in different
parents. One way of being permissive includes an avoidance of
conflict or any material that might lead to conflict. Other
permissive behaviors include protecting a child from the natural
consequences of his/her behavior. This may happen in the school
environment if a parent inappropriately comes to the defense of the
child’s behavior instead of promoting his/her personal
accountability.
The authoritarian parenting style is characterized by low
degrees of nurturance and communication and high demands on
expectations and parental control. The authoritarian parent is
usually not very good at listening to or understanding the child,
and much more interested in getting the child to hear and agree with
the parent’s worldview. In response to the bedtime conflict, the
authoritarian parent is likely to assert his or her physical or
emotional power over the child with little regard for the child’s
experience. This may look like the parent yelling “GO TO BED!” The
authoritarian style can appear to be effective when the child is
young, because young children can feel rather powerless when in
conflict with a strong and vocal adult. However, during the teen
years (and throughout childhood for some) these children typically
rebel with more gusto, as the parent provides a rigid platform from
which to push against. Children with authoritarian parents score
lower on measures of self-esteem and academic performance than
children of parents with other styles.
The uninvolved parenting style is characterized by low levels
of nurturance, parental control, level of expectation, and
communication. These parents simply aren’t available for their
children to the degree that they are needed. The uninvolved parent
may not face the bedtime conflict, as they are more likely to let
their child put him/herself to bed or even set his/her own bedtime.
There are many reasons why a parent may be uninvolved including
chronic substance use, severe mental illness, preoccupation with
work, or an overly self-absorbed way of relating to others. The most
consistently negative outcomes are seen in children of parents with
this style. These children score the highest on measures of
impulsivity and antisocial traits, and the lowest on measures of
social skills with peers and academic success.
The authoritative parenting style is characterized by high
degrees of nurturance, control, level of expectation, and
communication. That’s a lot of work! These parents set the bar high
for their children, but remain flexible and attuned to their needs.
In response to the bedtime conflict, authoritative parents are more
likely to firmly maintain the limit on bedtime with compassion and
engagement. This may sound something like, “Looks like you’re grumpy
tonight, but it’s bedtime and that’s the deal. I’ll carry and
snuggle you or you can walk to bed.” Children from authoritative
households score the highest on measures of self-esteem,
achievement, and independence. Interestingly, though they are more
independent, they tend to comply with parental requests more
readily. There’s a clear relationship between higher GPAs in school
and an authoritative parenting style.
In my therapy practice I find that almost without exception parents
act with good intentions, regardless of whether their behaviors are
helpful or harmful. With a better understanding of the effects of
our parenting behavior, we can be more prepared to manifest our good
intentions as helpful behavior.
Chris Reynolds works in
private practice in Anchorage, where he specializes in individual
therapy, couples therapy and sexual issues. He can be reached
through his website at
www.reynoldstherapy.com.
|
Two Keys to Successful Parenting
by Sirpa Lahtinen-Gorman
|
Providing
consistency and structure is essential for children to become
well-developed individuals. |
As soon as I had my first child, family
and friends began giving me parenting advice. This was sometimes
contradictory and occasionally confusing. Combining the advice with
all the information I gathered from the Internet and specialized
parenting books resulted in information overload! In fact, I had
considerable difficulty sorting it all out and discovering the best
way to parent my two children. In the end I found that providing
children with structure and consistency are the two most helpful
keys for ensuring both happy parents and happy children.
Structure means having a clear expectation of appropriate behavior
for your children. For example, children should know when they are
expected to go to school, when to do their homework, when it is
playtime, and when it is time to go to bed. If you clearly set such
expectations for your children, they are less likely to argue about
the rules because they will know what you expect from them.
It is often easier to have structure for weekdays than for weekends.
Having some type of behavioral expectations for weekends, however,
will help your children thrive. Children should have a set bedtime
during the weekends, which should not be more than one hour later
than their weekday bedtime. Children who stay up significantly later
during the weekends often have difficulties in the beginning of the
week—and their school performance suffers.
Children as young as two years old should have some type of daily
chore to complete around the house. Young children are able pick up
their toys, for example, and put them into a toy box at the end of
the day. Older children are capable of cleaning their rooms and
putting their own laundry away. As children get older, the type and
amount of chores they have should increase and be more challenging.
This may also include helping to decide appropriate rewards for
following the rules. Some rewards for children completing their
chores might be: earning time to watch television or play with
electronic games; fun time to spend with a friend; a family bike
ride or picnic in the park.
If you are parenting your children in two different households,
having a similar structure for each household will help them more
smoothly transition from one home to another. Parents with
contradictory rules often have children with behavioral problems. In
addition, parents who had difficulties ending the relationship with
their ex-partner may also have problems communicating about what is
in the best interest of their children. Sometimes having an outside
mediator, pastor, or even a friend to help develop a parenting
structure for both may be useful for the well-being of the children.
In addition to structure, providing consistency is also essential
for your children to become well-developed individuals. If you tell
your children that bedtime is 8 p.m., make sure that you follow
through. If rules are in constant flux, children get confused and
often defy following the rules. I know that after a long workday it
is difficult to keep children accountable, but the payback is great.
While there are innumerable books on parenting, I have found one
book—Parenting with Love and Logic by Jim Faye—to be superior
to any I have read. Jim Faye discusses teaching children
consequences of their behaviors and helping them make better choices
by learning from their mistakes. This book is used by several school
districts nationwide, and I have spoken to several school counselors
who use the skills discussed in the book at home with their own
children.
When in doubt, always go back to teaching your children with basic
structure. Structure will provide a good foundation for children to
grow up in an environment that is predictable and loving. The
children will also know exact what is expected of them and feel
reassured. If you as a parent are able to follow through
consistently in your children’s lives, success is likely.
There’s no doubt about it: parenting children is challenging. What
works with one child may not work with another, or even with the
same child the following year. However, having a flexible mindset, a
willingness to try different skills, and providing structure and
consistency will benefit both you and your children.
Sirpa Lahtinen-Gorman is a
Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice in Eagle River.
She specializes in individual, family and couples counseling.
Contact her via
www.alaskatherapy.com or (907) 720-1878.
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