Three Essential Viewpoints in Relationships
by Nancy Lee-Evans

Real happiness is a good relationship. Financial woes, illness, and most other hardships can be born if there is love and connection in our lives. Good relationship need not be a mystery. There are three viewpoints that are present in every good relationship: I, You and Us. Each aspect has unique needs that contribute to a successful, meaningful connection.

The “I” is the responsibility that we have for our own needs and wellbeing. One of the common patterns I have observed in my practice is that of the Accommodator or Caretaker. The Accommodator typically gives ground to meet the other person’s needs and desires. In this case, the assumption is that if I take care of you, you will take care of me. However, the Accommodator has often either chosen a self-centered person for a partner or does not make his or her needs known in the relationship. The Accommodator may even say, “Well, what about me?” and become resentful, though not voice this in the relationship. The partner will be at a loss as to how to satisfy the Accommodator. Years may go by as the Accommodator shrinks from sight in the relationship, becoming invisible because, all too often, he or she has lost track of personal needs and boundaries all together. All the Accommodator knows is boredom and unhappiness. It takes courage to withstand the anxiety of not caretaking, to accept the responsibility of the “I” in relationship and to earnestly explore and meet one’s own needs.

The “You” in relationship is our awareness and understanding of the other person. It requires sincere listening, gratitude, and compassion. By listening well and asking thoughtful questions about the other person’s needs and viewpoint, we draw out the other. One of the great gifts of a good listener is the opportunity it gives the speaker to articulate ideas and feelings that have not been brought to consciousness before. Another element in the “You” perspective is honest support for one’s partner’s needs. Giving one’s partner the freedom to be who he or she is truly is one of the most precious gifts of life.

Gratitude and affection are the true grease of a relationship. We all need to know that we are valued and appreciated. So, remember to say thank you even for simple, everyday things! Touch can convey acceptance, appreciation, and support and soften an otherwise difficult communication. Together, gratitude and affection keep mutual positive regard strong.

The “Us” in relationship is the quality of togetherness. A living relationship needs time and attention to stay vital. In long term relationships, lives may grow separate over the years and intimacy is lost. I typically recommend that marriage partners choose one of their partner’s interests to share even if it’s not a strong personal interest and that the couple develop one common interest (other than children) to share. It is also valuable to understand your needs for dependence, independence and interdependence. What is the distance at which you can be healthy? This will change from person to person, situation to situation, and at different times throughout your life.

You are the keeper of your heart. Relationships need an investment of time, attention and generosity of spirit to thrive, but the rewards are priceless.

Nancy Lee-Evans, Director of the Anam Cara Program of Spiritual Development and Healing, is a counselor, teacher and Brennan Certified energy bodyworker. For private appointments or classes, call 345-6760.

Letter To A Friend

Galina Vladi

 

I hope that “A letter to a friend” will help readers of Alaska Wellness Magazine to recognize many manifestations of darkness that we might carry inside, and also I hope that everyone would feel responsible to start such a necessary work on healing and releasing old emotional traumas so at the end of our work, more light and love will shine in this Universe.    ~Galina Vladi

My Dear Friend,

It has been so long since last I’ve seen you, so I hope this letter finds you well. I also hope that this letter as a beacon will guide you through the stormy vicinity of your life to the shore where you will find love and learn about your own light. I want you to know that you have the most kind and genuine heart, generous and light spirit. The more time and space that separates us, the easier it is for me to see the light in you as well as more clearly distinguish the faces of your darkness.       

You told me that because of what you experienced the last few years of your troubled marriage, you now have a lot of fears and mistrust about a relationship with a woman. I feel compassion for your suffering and pain; however, I want to remind you that we all are responsible for what we carry inside. As you heard the phrase, pain can be your greatest teacher. So, if we are willing to learn and grow spiritually, the pain can teach us a lot. At first, though, we have to find courage and strength to forgive. We ourselves are responsible for our own healing and for a release of negativity and old emotional traumas. Only then we will be able to let go of our painful past.

I also want you to know that pain is a garden soil for the darkness which will grow, gain power and take over you if you continue to cater to your pain. The darkness will become you and you will become a representative of the darkness. Every time when you find yourself suspicious and untrusting, when you exhibit aggressive or cruel behaviors, or when you catch yourself being jealous, angry or rude, think about the darkness that is applauding and gaining strength inside of you.

I want to name some other faces of darkness that might seem familiar to you: judgment and blame, insensitivity to someone’s pain and suffering, controlling or bossy behavior, inability to see the light or positive qualities in others, tactlessness in expressing your opinion, hurtful or harmful comments towards somebody’s actions. If you especially discover in yourself lack of compassion and an inability to forgive and to love, it means that you can’t wait any longer. It means that the forces of darkness are strong in you and that you have to begin your battle with your darkness right away.

There is something else the dark forces do to us: they lower the vibrations of our energy body. As a result, we experience mostly a vibration of our dense physical body. Carnal desires increase and while we recklessly indulge ourselves in sexual pleasures, fine food and alcohol, we may lose our connection with the Higher Self. Our upper chakras (energy centers), such as the heart and throat chakras, the third eye and the crown chakra, shrink or close up completely. As a result, we lose clarity and intuition, an ability to see guidance, to communicate clearly and to experience the higher vibrations of love. This is how we become suspicious, aggressive and cold-hearted. From then on, fear and only fear will be ruling our lives.

Even though the battle with fears is not an easy one and darkness never gives up easily, I know that it is in your power to overcome both. At first, it might seem to you that you will have to fight with your Self. But, what will appear later is the realization that you simply have to conquer the invasion of darkness.

I believe in you and your light, and I want you to remember that you are not on your own. You have many friends who love and can support you on your path to freedom from darkness. There is also unconditional love that always shines on us from above. You have just to open your heart to receive this love!

We all have to remember that it is always up to us either to let the darkness run our lives, control our behavior and direct our actions, or, we can choose to live our lives according to the principles of love and light. If we choose to do this work, we must first accept the fact that there are some elements of darkness inside of us. The next step is to recognize our individual darkness and then to look for help.

There are many light workers who have skills and knowledge to guide and support you through your battle with the forces of darkness. Your persistence and determination is the key to your victory. Eventually, the light in you will shine again, your heart will open to love, your vision will clear up and your intuition will come back. You will change. Your eyes will radiate the love of your heart, and compassion and wisdom will become your qualities. And when love and only love rule your life, you will have won the battle with darkness.

This year is almost over. It wasn’t an easy one for you. I hope that besides frustrations and disappointments, this year also brought some happiness into your life. I also hope that you will be willing to remember only the best part of our time together. One time you said that your feeling was that we would stay connected in this lifetime one way or another, and this is how I feel as well.

I care about you as I would care about my brother or my son. In Russian language, I would say that you are rodnoi to me, which means that you are a part of me; you are my blood. We Russians say this not only to members of our family, but also to our very close friends.

At the end of our relationship you asked me: “What is left of us?” I want to answer your question now. I feel that we always will be friends—maybe better friends than anything else. I think about you often as a friend and as a man who I love and respect. Through this time of separation, I began to understand and appreciate you more. I became more compassionate. I have learned my lessons and I hope that you eventually will learn yours.

Originally from Siberia, Galina Vladi now resides in Palmer, where she maintains a private healing practice and teaches Qi-Gong and other spiritual classes. Her website address is www.parallelreality.org  

The Habits of Highly Successful Couples

by Chris Reynolds

 

Divorce rates in America suggest that about half of the people who say “I do” are unable to achieve their goal of creating a happy, long term union with their partner. The statistics are even more ominous for people who have already endured one or more divorces. Yet we know, both from stories in our personal lives and from research in the field of long term relationships, that there are many couples who report that they have been together for a lifetime (with or without marriage) and remain quite happy together. These unions belong to highly successful couples.

Luckily for us, there are people who have studied the habits of these couples and made the data available to those of us seeking to emulate their success. As it turns out, almost all of these highly successful couples have the same habits. And the best news? The skills these couples have in common are learnable by anyone who wants to manifest a highly successful union in their own life. Following are some of the habits, identified by Brent Atkinson and John and Julie Gottman, of things successful couples do during conflict. Notice that most of these habits pertain to how these individuals maintain respect for their partner throughout conflict.

Avoiding Judgment and Disdain

It’s easy to see the worst in our partners when conflict becomes emotional and we become reactive. In my clinical practice, I find that the vast majority of contentious material in couple’s therapy has, at its root, a misperception of the meaning of the other person’s behavior. Under these circumstances it’s easy to jump to conclusions about the character of one’s partner. However, highly successful couples are great at suspending judgment, at least long enough to really hear and understand how their partner is experiencing the problem. Often, once a person truly understands the motivation and experience of their partner’s behavior, the behavior that was once offensive becomes at least tolerable, and occasionally even admirable. Of course all couples make judgments about the behavior of their partners, but the longer you can suspend your judgment while gathering information from your partner, the better chance you have of avoiding a misinterpretation of their action. The next time you feel yourself jumping to judgment in a conflict, try these self statements:     

“I feel mistreated, but I know my partner is a loving person. Maybe I don’t have the full story.” 

“If I did that behavior it would mean I don’t care about my partner, but maybe it has a different meaning for him/her.”

Finding the Understandable Part

All too often, conflict can degenerate into a win-lose dynamic. Under this paradigm, each person seeks to “win” by convincing the other person that his or her way of experiencing the situation is more right, valid, or important than the way his or her partner is experiencing the situation. Highly successful couples have the habit of making sure they find the parts of their partner’s story that they can connect with. They do this in an effort to find win-win solutions to conflict. To increase the chances of finding an understandable part of your partner’s experience, try putting your own agenda aside for five minutes while you explore his/her experience. Ask lots of questions about what it feels like to be in his/her shoes. This sounds simple, but in couple’s therapy I find that almost everyone has a difficult time putting their own agenda, reactions, and world view on hold while they explore their partner’s experience around a conflict. The next step is to give that experience legitimacy.

Giving Equal Regard

Highly successful couples not only suspend judgment until they really understand their partner’s experience, and they not only find part of that experience that they can relate to, but they also go so far as to make that experience as important as their own in the process of finding a resolution. These couples realize that to avoid the win-lose trap, they must value their partner’s needs, wants and wishes in a fashion that is similar to how they value their own needs, wants and wishes. Consequently these couples tend to accept influence from each other easily.

Try this test of your ability to give equal regard to your partner: At the conclusion of the next conflict in your relationship, ask your partner if he/she thinks that you had their best interest in mind. Your partner’s feedback may or may not be entirely accurate of your intentions, but it’s a perfectly accurate picture of how he/she experienced the conflict.

So far we’ve discussed three things highly successful couples do for their partners during conflict. Now, let’s explore some of the things these people do to take care of themselves during conflict.

Standing Up For Yourself in Caring Ways

When we feel threatened, it’s easy to defend ourselves by going on the attack. Attacks usually take the form of “you statements” such as “you’ve got no room to complain here” or “you’re being totally irrational”. People in highly successful relationships tend to respond to feeling threatened by standing up for themselves in ways that don’t denigrate their partners. These interactions typically take the form of “I statements”: “I hear that you’re upset, and I want to understand you, but I’m feeling attacked and that’s getting in the way. If we don’t calm this discussion down I’m going to take a break for awhile.”

Notice that this statement only addresses the experience of the speaker, yet clearly defines his/her right to not be attacked in the interaction. These statements require good personal boundaries. Good personal boundaries begin with a firm understanding of what we are responsible and accountable for (our feelings, reactions, and overreactions) and what we are not responsible for (other’s feelings, reactions and overreactions.) In making “I” statements, be careful of “You Statements” in disguise: “I feel that you’re being selfish.” True “I Statements” focus on what the speaker is responsible and accountable for. 

Identifying What’s at Stake

Identifying what’s at stake is similar to being able to get to the heart of the matter quickly. Remember that highly successful couples strive to understand the experience of their partners, especially in conflict. To be able to understand our partners, we have to be able to identify and articulate the meaning of their experience. That means identifying the real reason any given situation is important. “It’s not that I don’t want you to work this weekend … I’m afraid that if you set that precedent, someday you’ll end up working every weekend like my dad did.” If the speaker wasn’t able to identify what was at stake, he/she might have argued for a long time about why his/her spouse shouldn’t work that weekend without getting to the real issue: “I’m afraid”.

One of the myths of marriage, or any long term union, is that a lack of pain or conflict defines a good union. It’s more accurate to say that the nature of conflict, which is present in every relationship, defines the union. By learning about the habits of highly successful couples we can increase our ability to define the conflict in our lives in caring ways.
 

Chris Reynolds is a therapist in private practice in Anchorage, specializing in individual therapy, couples therapy and sexual issues. He can be reached through his website at www.reynoldstherapy.com

The Habits of Highly Successful Couples: Part Two
by Chris Reynolds

Light Mother, Shadow Mother
by Eva Nagy

 

What thoughts does the word “Mother” invoke in you?

She nurtures.
She has unconditional love.
She is patient.
She is always there.
She is wise.
She is protective.
She listens.
She comforts.

How about:

She left.
She drank.
She yelled.
She ran around.
She shamed.
She wasn’t there for me.
She pushed me away.
She fell apart.
She was in my face.
She was messed up.

Was your mother all light? Was she all shadow? Most likely, she was a mixture of the two, just like all humans.

I know from myself as a mother-in-training (twelve years on the job but still in orientation!) that some days I’m so close to being perfect that the halo is almost visible above my head and the phone just about rings to let me know that the world is ready to recognize my greatness by awarding me the title Mother of the Year.

But before the halo can come to full circle or the phone turns its electromagnetic signals into sound, I have already swung over to feeling totally inadequate, being downright mean, sensing myself as lost and unavailable.

Sounds familiar?

If you have unresolved issues with your mom, or with yourself as a mom (which really is the same thing), get to work right now. If you heal this one aspect of your life, I believe everything else will become a lot easier.

What’s the gain?

You will recognize that you have full rights to be here on Earth. You will improve your self-image, recognize your self-worth and learn to love yourself unconditionally.

Whatever your mother couldn’t instill in you when you were supposed to be the Supreme Being of your Universe (i.e., in infancy and toddlerhood) can be repaired. You can restore your importance, your perfection, your lovability. And because of this, you will then be able to allow others around you to be important, perfect just as they are, and lovable. 

“But how do I do it?” you ask.

First of all, allow for your mom to be neither angel nor devil, but human. Choose to remember some of the good, or some of the bad, whichever you are denying from your experience. If there is pain, be with it. Recall being born or being one, two, five years of age—whenever the pain originated. Spend time with your child-self and, in your mind, give it everything it needs.

To make it easier to connect with this child, you may want to choose an object to represent her or him. Choose something that invokes gentle feelings for you; something you can hold easily in your palm. It can be a tumbled crystal such as rose quartz or moonstone. It can be a feather, an acorn, or simply a picture of yourself.

When you feel like throwing a tantrum, when your loved ones seem to be out to get you, or when you get into power struggles with your kids or parents, recognize that your inner child feels threatened. Recognize that she or he is reacting from a child’s perspective, which then manifests in your (re)actions. Recognize that your inner child needs comforting and reassurance before you can take charge and handle the situation like an adult.

Take out the object of your tender, protective love. Hold it close to your heart. Tell the child it’s okay, that she or he is safe. You are in charge and you will take care of everything.

With this simple experiment, you may find that the “childish” emotions, reactions and anxieties dissipate. You’ll knee-jerk a lot less, and enjoy yourself and your relationships—including ones with your mother and children—a lot more.

It may take some coercing before your inner child relaxes and trusts you, but keep reassuring him or her. You may also consider taking flower essences such as: Mariposa Lily, a general remedy for instilling positive mother archetype; Pomegranate, for resolving conflict about the mother role; Scarlet Monkeyflower, for power plays and repressed anger between mother and child; or Milkweed, to heal extreme dependency and emotional regression.

Another surefire healing tool: touch Mother Earth. Take off your shoes and feel her nourishing energy. Ground yourself by imagining that you have grown roots and that all you need comes through the soles of your feet. Get down on your knees and run your hands and fingers through the soil. Feel the richness and warmth of Mother Earth. Understand that she is always there for you—on Mother’s Day, and every day. Plant some flowers and celebrate!

Eva Nagy is certified in Touch for Health Kinesiology. She owns Eva’s Clean Cuisine, a business devoted to holistic nutrition. Find out what might be causing your chronic fatigue at www.chefeva.com/report.html Email: evanagy@mtaonline.net

How to Manifest Your Mate!
by Jill Crosby

 

Most singles on a conscious path are relatively happy and content with their lives. However, many would prefer to be in a loving, spiritual partnership with a person who enhances their life and offers the opportunity to thrive in a deep, spiritual love. Finding that kind of love these days can be a daunting challenge. Incorporating the following tips and techniques makes manifesting true love easy!   

Get Love: When we love ourselves unconditionally, we create loving energy within ourselves, which then draws loving energy in our direction. Remembering that we are divine energy makes loving ourselves unconditionally come naturally. We all came from the same divine energy and everything is made of this energy—including us! In other words, we are “God” having a human experience, so we must forgive ourselves for making mistakes, learn the lessons from “being human,” and move on! When we fully immerse ourselves in unconditional love of self we feel exuberant, joyful and deeply peaceful.

To help get to an unconditionally loving place, meditating on self-love and the connection to our divine energy every morning and evening is helpful. For example, you might begin by closing your eyes, taking in some deep breaths, and getting centered and relaxed. Once you are in a meditative state, feel your connection with divine energy and know that you are divine. Feel your strong love deep in your soul. Allow yourself to feel grateful, happy and in love with yourself.

When we remember and embrace our divinity, we are grounded in self-love and wholeness. That is, we are not looking to others to “complete” or validate us. The goal is to feel whole and complete and in love with self. In this way we may be fully present when interacting with others.

Get Clear:  Once grounded in self-love, the next step is to get clear about qualities in an ideal mate. A great exercise on getting clear starts with listing all of the qualities of an ideal partner. Write everything that comes to mind. This might include integrity, honesty, good sense of humor, active, healthy, intelligent, great chemistry, wants kids, financially stable, loves to travel, etc. Next, sort the qualities into “must haves” and “preferences.” For example, a must have might be “he must be a non-smoker” and a preference might be, “I prefer her to be attractive.” Remember, we are all expressions of divine energy in human bodies. The body is temporary and the real connection is with another’s soul. Chemistry between two people is a funny thing and “ideal mates” come in all shapes and sizes. While height, weight, hair and eye color may be preferences, lifestyle, activity level, spirituality and a base of common interests are more important.

After creating a list of must haves and preferences, write a short story describing an ideal day with your ideal mate. Make it multi-sensory, use present tense and live it up! Make sure to include feelings and activities you would like to share. For example: “I wake up in the morning and feel the tropical breeze on my face, smell the gardenias in the air and hear the peaceful sound of the ocean waves off our balcony. I roll over and smile at my husband. His eyes light up as he hugs me and tells me how much he loves me. He is the most loving, intelligent, kind, funny, friendly, environmentally conscious, spiritual man I have ever met. My heart swells with joy and gratitude, feeling so content and so in love! After our sumptuous breakfast and morning meditation we go for a swim in the ocean with the dolphins that frequent the cove where we live …and so on...” Going through the entire ideal day like this will not only manifest the ideal mate; it will create the ideal life.

Get Grateful: To get grateful, read the story out loud and feel your joy and gratitude, as if it has already happened.  Really turn up those feelings and emotions. Then let it go. Whenever the story comes to mind, however, imagine the wonderful life you’ve written about and know that it’s done. Continue to reinforce this manifestation by feeling grateful throughout the day. Any feelings of doubt or skepticism will slow down the process or even prevent it, so be confident and know it’s done.

Get Busy: The final step in manifesting your mate is to take action! Jack Canfield, author of Chicken Soup for the Soul states, “You can’t just wish for a Cadillac while sitting in your living room and have one show up in your driveway… So what you have to do is take action—with faith that it’s going to come true.” The best way for singles to take action is to put themselves in situations where they can meet other eligible singles. Joining activity groups, taking classes and doing the things you enjoy are all good action steps. Joining an online, spiritual dating site provides a targeted “pool” of conscious singles and speeds up the manifestation process. Be open to meeting and dating a variety of people in the looks department allows for more choices (remember, chemistry is a funny thing). Being pro-active and initiating contact is also important, as is listening to one’s intuition and allowing divine energy to guide one toward making contact.

Always trust that the divine love you feel for yourself will be reciprocated by the right person. Just relax, be authentic and enjoy the process. Continue to feel grateful in advance and watch the sparks fly!

Jill Crosby is the owner/founder of www.SpirtualSingles.com, the largest, exclusively spiritual dating site on the Internet. She also facilitates Wild Dolphin Swim Retreats for singles. For more information, visit: www.SpiritualSingles.com.