When Three's a Crowd:
Relationship Triangles
by Jackie Garretson

 

Each of us must find the right balance between individual self and emotional togetherness.

In this century, there have been several important shifts in the way professionals view mental health in individuals and families. One of these shifts occurred in the 1950s and early '60s when Dr. Murray Bowen at Georgetown University Medical Center introduced Family Systems Theory. This was a major step away from previous theories about the emotional life of humans, which had focused on the individual. Dr. Bowen saw the family as an "emotional unit" wherein each individual functions emotionally in relation to the larger family system. Bowen thought of a family as a natural system, and studied the order and predictability in human family relationships. The concept of family systems theory is also based on the assumption that human behavior is not very different from the behavior of animals under similar conditions.

One important element in a healthy family is the level of "self" that each member is able to achieve. The job of each child is to grow into an emotionally independent person with the ability to act, think and feel for him/herself. An opposing force – the instinct to maintain togetherness – operates to keep the members of a family emotionally connected. Each of us, therefore, must find the right balance between individual self and emotional togetherness.

Bowen explained that families have predictable methods for dealing with emotions such as anxiety, which can move from one person to another in a family. For example, when a person uses distancing, denial or an addiction to deal with anxiety, he may lower the anxiety level in himself while sending it to higher levels in someone else. We are very sensitive (although not always consciously) to the emotional states of other people, and we continually adjust ourselves to the emotions of those around us. Anxiety in person "A" can result in a physical or social symptom in person "B." If "A" then begins to caretake "B" because of these symptoms, "A" may feel less anxious. Individuals in relationships can actually shape and create each other over time.

Anxiety or tension between two people in a family can be dealt with by pulling in a third person. According to Bowen, the resulting "triangle" is a basic element of any emotional system. Triangles in families occur naturally and can be observed and documented easily. The anxiety or tension of each of the participants generates the activity in triangles. A two-person relationship will be stable as long as it is calm. When anxiety increases, however, the presence of a third person can decrease anxiety by "spreading it out" over three relationships. This makes it less likely that any one relationship will overheat. In any triangle, there are two people who are insiders and one person who is an outsider. If you understand the position you occupy in a triangle, it may be possible to bring it to a positive conclusion.

Several weeks ago, I spent time with my younger sister and her three children. When David (10) and Dylan (8) became too intense or competitive in their play, one of them would triangle Emily (4) by getting her to take sides or commit to being closer to one than the other. The insider and outsider positions of the resulting triangle would shift accordingly while spreading out the tension. Two parents with two children can produce four triangles. If there are three children, the number of possible triangles is ten.

The following is an example of insider/outsider movement in a triangle. Dad observes the close relationship between Mom and daughter, feels anxiety, and begins to pout. Mom notices and starts giving Dad more attention. Daughter feels left out and begins hanging on her dad. Mom feels pushed into the outsider position and makes a critical comment about daughter's messy room. Daughter has a fit and gets mom's attention back with a long discussion about her room. Notice that if the system is really tense, it may feel better to be in the outsider position whereas, if the tension is temporarily gone, it's nicer to be in an insider spot. If dad was criticizing mom and mom then mentions that daughter didn't clean her room this week, Dad might shift his tension from mom to daughter giving mom a break.

How do we "detriangle?" This is one of the most important skills learned in family systems therapy. It would be great if we could recognize a triangle and step back to say, "Oh my, we are acting out one side of a triangle and we have just pushed Aunt Mary into the outsider position." Triangles, however, are driven by emotion, not logic. In fact, people in a triangle are able to ignore logic and rational explanations easily because the logical parts of their brains are short-circuited by emotion.

When you observe a triangle in action, remember first that family members need to develop a healthy level of independence from each other in their thinking, acting and feeling. It is never good to expect everyone in a family to agree or feel the same way. Second, view the triangle as a method of easing tension and anxiety in the family system. Your participation in the triangle may be helpful if you understand enough to make a positive contribution. Try to be an observer and stay detached enough to avoid getting pulled in emotionally. A level of detachment is achieved when any person in the triangle can see both sides of the other two players and refuses to "take sides." Hopefully, this will encourage someone to take responsibility for his/her part and then theother may also. Anxiety and its accompanying tension are normal in family systems. Families that tolerate individual differences and manage triangles can maintain loving connection.

Jackie Garretson, LMFT, is an Imago Relationship Therapist practicing in Anchorage, Alaska.

Verbal Abuse and Dominance
by Jackie Garretson

 

When abuse enters it may come on tiptoes. It is frequently disguised as humor, avoidance, or stress related irritability.

Gender differences, the roles that men and women play or are expected to play in each other's lives, develop over many centuries. Throughout history, more men than women have been invited to believe that dominating another adult in a relationship is acceptable. This fact contributes to both battering and verbally abusive relationships.

It is no secret that in many parts of the world, through politics, religion, or custom, cultural messages encourage populations to believe that men have a right to dominate. Historically, societies are male dominated when food is scarce or groups are at war. Gender roles tend to re-balance when those conditions are no longer present. Ideally, if a society is patriarchal, the men who are in power would always be benevolent and act in the best interest of all concerned. History tells a different story, however.

It is reasonable to expect all adults to be in charge of themselves. Children, in preparation for adulthood, need to grow into self-responsible (not selfish) individuals who are inner-directed, self-aware, and operate from personal power. Personal power neutralizes the abusive relationship that results from dominance.

Attitudes are changing rapidly due to the efforts of both men and women who understand that dominance can generate harm for spouses, children, and our whole society. We no longer condone slavery, child labor, child abuse or wife battering. We are generally aware of oppression due to physical force, though we are much less aware of psychological oppression resulting from verbal manipulation and control. Any repressive situation can continue if it goes unrecognized. Verbal abuse is a form of battering that leaves no physical scars and can create such confusion for the victim that it is difficult, perhaps impossible, to recognize.

Relationships begin with love and courtship in which a couple is nurturing and supportive of each other, clearly engaged in behaviors designed to convince the other of desirability. When abuse enters it may come on tiptoes. It is frequently disguised as humor, avoidance, or stress related irritability. It is like the experiment with the frog. When a frog was placed in a tank of hot water it jumped right out. However, if the temperature in a cool tank was raised slowly over time, the frog stayed in the tank until it cooked, not ever recognizing danger.

In her book The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Patricia Evans proposes two distinct realities that abusers and their victims experience. People in Reality 1 experience every situation, conversation, or interaction as having a winner and a loser. There is nothing in between; therefore, if you are not clearly the winner (being dominant) you must have lost. To lose is to be powerless and weak, a terrible feeling to be avoided at all cost. Reality 1 people have learned that life is this way at the hands of Reality 1 parents or caretakers. Since no one stepped up to say that this was wrong, long standing anger and resentment have hidden inside, only to resurface years later when the now grown individual has power over others, usually women or children. Unfortunately, this prevents real relationships.

The other reality, referred to as Reality 2, requires connection to feelings. Feelings are used to know who we are, what is important, and what we need. Reality 2 people have personal power and expect everyone else to have personal power as well. In Reality 2, mutuality is the name of the game. Cooperation in a mutually created win-win world is the primary goal.

In order to have a Reality 2 relationship, both people must want it that way. If one person lives in a Reality 1 world, mutuality is impossible. Living in Reality 2 requires high levels of self-esteem and high levels of trust. It requires connection with feelings, also known as emotional intelligence. In real life, relationships span a continuum between the extremes of Reality 1 and Reality 2.

If we are to eliminate relationships in which one person uses verbal abuse to keep control, we must teach recognition of dominance behaviors. Children must be raised in environments that model Reality 2 and prepares them for Reality 2 adult relationships. It must be common knowledge that verbal abuse is simply a means of keeping control and power over another.

John Grey wrote a wonderful book for families entitled, What You Can Feel, You Can Heal. Unable to feel many things, the verbal abuser experiences only anger. Without the ability to accept and reveal feelings to a partner, the verbal abuser builds a wall between himself/herself and others in order to maintain distance. Since everyone is either a winner or a loser, a partner is always a potential enemy and walls keep the enemy from getting too close. Words become weapons of choice.

Patricia Evans notes fifteen categories of verbal abuse: withholding; countering; discounting; putdown jokes; blocking/diverting; accusing/blaming; judging/criticizing; trivializing; undermining; threatening; name calling; forgetting; ordering; denial; and abusive anger. Each of these weapons is used to maintain control and create confusion or doubt in the victim. Most are violations of boundaries. For example, to be ignored is to be treated as if you have no boundary; you don't exist. If you are ordered to do something, you have no boundary because you are perceived to be an extension of the abuser's will. "You don't know what you are talking about!" is a violation of your mind and separate knowledge, and so on.

Verbal abuse is not the same as conflict. In conflict, each person wants something different and it is necessary to discuss wants, needs and reasons while attempting to find a mutually acceptable solution. Verbal abuse is a violation, an intrusion, and disregards the other in an attempt to have dominance.

As I work with couples, I often find bad habits of communication, misconceptions about roles and feelings, and unfortunate repetition of old programming. Most people are alarmed to discover that they are verbal abusers and want to stop. They have goodwill and want a relationship of mutuality but don't know how to go about getting one. Others can't or won't give up verbal abuse because they do not have the ability to feel equal in a relationship. For these individuals, self-development is so fragile they believe dominance is required for survival.

Deciding what to do if you believe you are being verbally abused involves many factors. It is important to recognize the abuse as it occurs and understand that you will have to respond with strength and determination to stop it. Sometimes just the act of "calling the foul" is enough to stop it. On the other hand, if you are feeling shocked or too hurt to speak, or if your mate is out of control and/or you fear for your safety, you should not be dealing with it alone. Don't expect to remain serene and non-reactive indefinitely. You deserve a nurturing environment and have a right to affirm your boundaries. It isn't healthy to live in an abusive atmosphere and it is a terrible model for children.

If a partner doesn't want to change abusive patterns, he/she won't. The assistance of a pastor, counselor or community program may be helpful in clearing the confusion you experience about your situation and getting it to change.

Jackie Garretson, LMFT, is a certified Imago Relationship Therapist practicing in Anchorage.

Relationships in the Shadow
by Jackie Garretson

 

…we tend to be in denial about our shadow side and then project it onto others so that we can criticize it over there.

Have you ever found yourself several months into a new relationship that seems too good to be true? Perhaps you have thought, "When will I see this person at her worst? I wonder what his problems are?" Another concern may be that your new friend might discover you at your worst and reject you. It is no secret that we each have a shadow side and that true intimacy requires our shadow side to be known and accepted in love. Usually that part of ourselves that we hide from others was created early in life when basic needs were not met. We might be clingy because we didn't have sufficient touch or expression of love as children. We might be controlling because we didn't believe our role in our family was valued or secure. We might have difficulty trusting or committing because our childhood lacked security and adults frequently let us down. Other times, our shadow is there because we lived too long in someone else's shadow and it rubbed off on us. Examples of this are critical anger and disrespect for others. Whatever our shadow might be, we are usually able to hide it for awhile but not forever. Unfortunately, we tend to be in denial about our shadow side and then project it onto others so that we can criticize it over there.

Did you know that entire relationships can be built in the shadow? The first step of creating a relationship is choosing a partner who offers you what you value most. Have you ever known a couple that seemed to fight all the time and yet they stayed together and seemed to be very connected as a couple? It may be that the relationship works for them because both value a relationship involving lots of confrontation and ongoing tension. On the other hand, if only one of them likes it that way, the other is probably miserable and the relationship won't last. Shadow relationships work when both partners have the same fantasy or complimentary shadow needs in a relationship.

In Love Is A Story, author Robert J Sternberg, Ph.D., presents a number of marriage fantasies that are not healthy relationships but might work if both partners have the same fantasy. The controller married to someone who needs another to take charge, make all decisions, or be directed (controlled) is one example. Another shadow relationship requires that one partner need healing in some way with the other willing to be the healer. This might involve health, a previously broken heart or an inability to trust. A third example is similar but involves a teacher and student, such as a very immature partner being parented by the other in an area of responsibility.

A relationship in which one person makes a huge sacrifice and the other does not is out of balance. This can work if the sacrifice is temporary, such as an agreement to move to another city for a better job or education, but eventually there will need to be a balance of give and take. A fifth example is the relationship in which one or both partners are alcoholic or addicted to drugs. We know that addictions can include spending, working, sex, eating, and other out-of-control behaviors. The non-addicted partner is called co-dependent if their behavior facilitates the addiction or protects the addict from natural consequences of the addictive behavior. Both partners are getting something out of this shadow relationship.

The love/hate relationship is the sixth example. In this case, as in the example above, both partners thrive on conflict that feels normal to them in some way. Another shadow relationship occurs when a couple is in love with a particular physical appearance, fitness level, youthfulness, or ideal "look" of some kind. When this changes in time they will be in trouble and will often change partners to find the right image again.

You may have known someone who is in the next category: the "home sweet home" couple. These people have a fantasy of the setting in which they live. Of course, there is nothing wrong with having standards for your home and wanting to create a comfortable nest. The shadow side of this is in never having enough, never being satisfied, and spending all available energy and money on the setting rather than the relationships in the home itself.

The last example is actually called the "fantasy relationship" or being with the person of your dreams. Though it is unlikely that such a person really exists, we are apt to fall in love with someone who we imagine has all of those attributes. Being put on such a pedestal is a terrible burden for a partner. A frequently seen example in my practice is the individual who as a child never had a father or mother. This person may have created a perfect parent in fantasy, one that never would have human failings in real-life situations. This will be a hard act to follow for a real relationship partner in adulthood because a fantasy father or mother never gets angry or disappoints us. It will be difficult to keep the fantasy alive in this relationship without large doses of denial or dishonesty.

Clearly, relationships that have unhealthy foundations can work if both partners have the same vision or expectation. The danger lies in the shadow lifting for one partner and not the other. For example, the balance of a teacher/student relationship changes if the student learns the important lesson and no longer needs the teacher or may even dislike being treated as incompetent. The healer relationship fails if the recovering individual regains strength and is ready to move on under new power.

Whether you are recognizing your own individual shadow or one that you and your partner share in a relationship, it is important to own it, understand it, have compassion for it, and begin to release it if it brings unhappiness to you or someone you love. Libraries and bookstores are full of good resources. A counselor or pastor can help. You share your shadow with many people like yourself and have probably come by your shadow honestly. However, shadows are often cold and dark. There is no need to dwell in them or allow them to darken your relationships.

Jackie Garretson, LMFT, is a certified Imago Relationship Therapist practicing in Anchorage, Alaska.

The Gift of Caring
by Jackie Garretson

 

Couples bond deeply when they are the source of each other's pleasure.

The holidays have come to a close and many gifts have been exchanged. As we begin the New Year, consider that the most valuable gift of all is the gift of love and make a resolution to renew that gift every day for the rest of your life. Sadly, many couples think that the love they felt on their wedding day would carry them through life regardless of what they did. In fact, we can only feel love for a partner who is meeting our most important emotional needs. This is the gift of caring, one of four gifts that will ensure lasting love.

Emotional needs are so important in relationships that we are capable of falling in love with anyone who can meet them. When you let more than one person meet your primary emotional needs, you are in danger of falling in love with more than one person. Obviously, if your partner promises not to let anyone else meet those emotional needs and then you fail to meet them, he or she will be in a frustrating and unhappy situation. If you have chosen to be in an exclusive relationship, you have a responsibility.

Of the ten most commonly recognized emotional needs, men lean toward sexual fulfillment, recreational companionship, physical attractiveness, domestic support and admiration. Men can very easily fall in love with a partner who can meet these needs. Women are likely to need different things, such as affection, conversation, honesty and openness, financial support and family commitment. We may recognize that all ten are important to us in some way, but each of us have one or two needs that are powerful enough, when met, to create the feeling of romantic love. The gift of caring is our decision to meet our partner's primary emotional needs every day of our lives together.

There is no way around this requirement for lasting love. We can only find out what our partner needs emotionally by asking. There is no way around this either. You will fail miserably if you assume that your partner's needs are the same as yours. It is a lot like giving a present that you really wanted for yourself to someone else. It frequently creates disappointment. You may think that your partner feels cared for because you asked her to go skiing with you (your need for recreational companionship), and then become hurt that she is angry because you haven't spent any time talking with her (her need for conversation). It gets more complicated if she shows you affection (her need) and it gets you in the mood for sex, which she didn't have in mind at all. Your partner is the only expert on his/her most powerful emotional needs, so you must ask in order to have your gift be on target.

If you want to be successful at something, you'll require feedback. How will you know if you are achieving your caring goal? Once again, you have to ask. Get feedback about the quality of your effort and whether or not the quantity is right. Often a small amount of "on target" effort goes a long way. Your caring has quality if you are making it enjoyable. Try to choose something that will bring pleasure to both of you. Brainstorm until you find an activity that fits you both to some degree. It won't work if one of you is miserable and making a great sacrifice. Couples bond deeply when they are the source of each other's pleasure. This is especially important with sexual needs, an area where too much sacrifice gets us into relationship trouble later on.

You will find more information and ideas about creating lasting love in The Four Gifts of Love by Willard F. Harley, Jr. It was written for couples preparing for marriage, but is good reading for any couple determined to keep love alive in a long relationship. The gift of caring in which we successfully meet our partner's emotional needs is perhaps the most important. The other gifts are protection, honesty and time.

The gift of protection is a promise to avoid being the cause of unhappiness for your partner. Unhappiness is caused by "love busters" such as disrespect, anger, selfishness and annoying behavior.

The gift of honesty requires that we share information with our partner of a personal nature. Important information includes our thoughts, feelings, habits, likes, dislikes, personal history, daily activities, and plans for the future. It means we can't lie to avoid trouble.

The gift of time is a difficult challenge for couples today. Harley suggests that we give our partner a minimum of fifteen hours each week with a large portion of that time spent privately giving undivided attention to emotional needs.

As you begin the New Year, resolve to protect your love with the gift of caring. Discover your partner's most important emotional needs and attend to them every day. The rewards are immeasurable.

Jackie Garretson, LMFT, is a certified Imago Relationship Therapist practicing in Anchorage, Alaska.