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The
Politics of Sexual Assault
by Bruce Bibee
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…
sexual assault is the soft underbelly of the patriarchal
system. It is a tool -- perhaps the tool -- to keep women
out of the power system.
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For nearly 20 years, I have annually taught a couple of Women
self-defense classes. Every year we get onto the topic of what
motivates someone to rape someone else. And every year we open a can
of worms with that discussion. Exploring the topic of sexual assault
can be a political hot potato as the pro-feminist take on this issue,
which is the politically correct one, is riddled with questions as
well as unusual research findings.
For example, research conducted by cultural anthropologist Peggy
Reeves Sanday found that the only cultures that do not have rape
include the following: 1) they have both a male and a female ruling
deity; 2) they give equal political power to men and women; and 3)
they satisfy both men and women regarding the social power equation
within their relationships. Cultures with an exclusive male top-god
all have problems with rape. From one point of view, it can be argued
that a patriarchal system keeps itself in business by raping its
women. The male power-grid will have nothing to fear from women if
they are all wandering around with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It
seems, then, that if the community is to shoulder some of the
responsibility for ending sexual assault, we will have to 1) dismantle
the patriarchal system, and 2) outlaw sky-god religions.
On the other side of this, however, is the answer to the above
question on why men rape women. The answer to that is, "Because
they can." Each of us has a primary responsibility for our own
well being -- from what we eat to how we exercise to our own personal
protection. The sad fact is that men will stop raping women only when
women can effectively refuse to be victimized. Since we probably won't
be importing a goddess tradition anytime soon, the push within the
community probably ought to be towards helping women become
"hard" targets. To do that, though, rape crisis center
policies would have to change. Current policy is neutral about
self-protection. At a recent conference, I talked to a staff member
from a local rape crisis agency and learned their logic goes something
like this: If we (the agency) promoted self-protection, and a woman
who didn't learn self-protection needs our services, then she may get
the message that the assault is somehow her fault; we want the focus
to be on the perpetrator and his behavior, not the woman.
I find this logic fatally flawed. Not only does it dismiss one's
primary duty to self-care, but this policy also assumes that women
cannot protect themselves. In all my years teaching women's
self-defense classes, I have found that women are not incompetent with
respect to their ability to protect themselves. Indeed, FBI statistics
note that when women have defended themselves with a weapon, the bad
guys disarmed them less than 1% of the time. Besides, who would women
want protecting them -- men? Or which institutions should they rely on
for protection -- the patriarchal system? Regardless of the obvious
flawed logic in the pro-feminist position, these policies are the
political reality.
Furthermore, the police, regardless of the propaganda about their
mandate to protect us, cannot lawfully act until there is a crime. In
other words, police don't protect (i.e., prevent a crime); rather,
they retaliate on our behalf after a crime has been committed. We are
responsible for our own protection. Luckily, we live in a
right-to-carry state, so we benefit from this situation whether or not
we are carrying a gun. Bad guys aren't sure who is carrying, and they
are hesitating somewhat in their indiscriminate assaults. This trend
is beginning to show up in crime-frequency statistics.
To make this topic even more complicated, it is also known that as
many as 75% of all convicted rapists were themselves sexually abused
as children. From a psychological perspective, they are acting out
what was done to them in a futile attempt to heal -- sort of a
horrible game of "tag: you're it." Once these men are in
prison, they are inmates in a system where rape is a tool in the power
dynamics of that society. In short, their sexual victimization, or
their career as a sexual predator, or both, is continued.
If we add in to this mixture what we are beginning to discover
about who will become chemically dependent (about 70% of those going
into in-patient chemical dependency treatment are self-disclosing a
history of sexual abuse), then we can also win the war on drugs by
eradicating rape.
In this brief report of the various issues involved in the study of
sexual assault, it should be glaringly obvious that sexual assault is
the soft underbelly of the patriarchal system. It is a tool -- perhaps
the tool -- to keep women out of the power system. It is a tool in
prisons. It is a tool that society is mostly unconscious of, or in
denial about. When society brings up rape as a topic for public
discussion, we never seem to get to the questions: Why is it used? How
is it used? When is it used? Who benefits from its use? There is a
dark cloak of secrecy about this whole topic.
To their credit, the pro-feminist advocates are bringing attention
to its frequency, and they keep the topic of sexual assault alive. In
my view, however, their program for dealing with it is
counter-productive and patriarchal itself. Women don't need to be
"taken care of." They can take care of themselves quite
handily. Over the years, the most gratifying calls I get are from
women who have used what their other martial arts instructors and I
have taught them -- to protect themselves from an attack.
I am without an alternative agenda to the pro-feminist approach in
asking that society take a stronger stand. I only have the hope that
we have matured enough as a society to actually discuss this issue
realistically.
Bruce Bibee, MTP, is a counselor in private practice who has
worked for 15 years in the area of sexual assault recovery, domestic
violence, and Stage 2 recovery from chemical dependency. He is the
owner/instructor of the Kung-Fu San Soo Center, offering programs in
self-defense for women since 1982.
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The
Myth of Sexual Addiction by
Chris Reynolds
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...in
many ways, the word “addiction” is misleading. |
Compulsive
Sexual Behaviors (CSB) are repetitive sexual behaviors that a person
has tried to decrease or stop, and that cause significant problems in
his/her life. Defining CSB by someone’s behavior is difficult
because the range of normal sexual expression is so wide; a behavior
that may be compulsive for one person could be a healthy part of
another person’s sex life. The main ingredient that distinguishes
CSB is the person’s feeling of loss of control of their sexual
behavior. For some people this loss of control occurs when they look
at erotic material, masturbate excessively, seek to chat online with
others, call phone sex lines, or seek other relationships outside an
agreement of monogamy. This dynamic
is called a sexual addiction by some, but in many ways the word
“addiction” is misleading.
Some
assumptions that most people make when we use the word “addiction”
include:
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There is a
biological process that is broken.
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The broken process is
relatively permanent.
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The best an addict can
do is learn to cope with his/her brokenness.
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While there
are many people who have benefited from addressing compulsive
sexuality by thinking of themselves as addicts, many other people feel
alienated from this approach because these assumptions don’t reflect
their experience or give them the tools they need to change their
behavior. Resources that use the addiction model include Sexaholics
Anonymous, Sex Addicts Anonymous, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, and
numerous self help books addressing ‘sexual addiction.’
In contrast,
thinking about these behaviors as compulsions means that we assume
different things:
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Compulsions
are coping skills that a person uses to attempt to address
legitimate needs (loneliness, sadness, boredom, anxiety).
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The compulsive behavior
meets the need superficially, which is reinforcing.
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Stopping a CSB is the
process of understanding why the compulsive coping skill is so
powerful (this is unique for each individual), then replacing it
with another skill that meets the original need.
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Interestingly,
almost everyone who struggles with CSB reports that the actual sexual
behavior is not the most compulsive part of the process. Rather, these
people experience a mild trance-like state when they’re searching
for an opportunity for the compulsive behavior. We call this trance
the reactive state, and it’s in this trance that people with CSB can
end up spending enormous amounts of time searching the Internet,
driving while pursuing, or chatting online. The hypnotic nature of
this state of reactivity, in which the person excludes other aspects
of his or her life (personal values, the effect the behavior will have
on others, consequences, obligations), is what makes CSB difficult to
change.
What does
treatment for CSB include? First, it’s important to understand the
emotional reasons why a person is engaging in CSB. The behavior may be
destructive, selfish, or manipulative, but it exists to address
legitimate emotional needs. Becoming very familiar with what sets the
stage for the reactive state to happen, including these emotions, will
be one of the foundations of a plan for change. For example, some
people turn to CSB when they feel lonely, bored, or rejected. Other
things that may set the stage might include having computer access,
being alone, traveling on business, or a certain time/day of the week.
Second, it’s
important to recruit a support network of people with whom the
individual can honestly discuss his/her struggle. Without exception,
the people I talk with who are engaged in CSB do so in some degree of
isolation, either because they don’t know anyone who would be
supportive or because they’re too embarrassed to discuss the issue
with the people they care about. This isolation gives the compulsion
power. Support might be found from one’s partner, friends, family, a
support group, or a therapist.
Third, a
person must begin to develop new coping skills that successfully
manage the original emotions. Let’s assume that nobody wants to
become sexually compulsive. If this is true, then there must be
substantial barriers (including self-imposed barriers) preventing the
person from managing the original emotions, or he/she wouldn’t have
turned to compulsive sexuality in the first place. These barriers will
need to be addressed in the process of developing new skills. Examples
of new coping skills may be communicating with one’s partner about
feelings of loneliness or rejection, or self-soothing these feelings
with affirmations and self-care.
Finally, a
good relapse prevention plan is the backbone of treatment for CSB. The
plan needs to address the behavior in three ways. First, the plan
identifies what conditions (internal and external) set the stage for
the reactive state to occur, and provides a format for arranging life
so that these conditions are not met (or met less often). For someone
who compulsively looks at online erotica, an Internet filter
controlled by someone else can remove the possibility of anonymous and
instant access to that material. Second, the plan identifies what
people can do instead of the compulsive behavior. For example, if
feeling lonely leads to CSB, the person can work on communication with
his/her partner so that discussing this is safe and productive in the
relationship. The person can also practice calming skills (deep
breathing, focusing the mind on the present) that help with
self-soothing. He/she can also reach out to a safe support group when
feeling lonely. Third, the plan identifies and magnifies the positive
consequences of the new coping skills, and also makes sure the person
isn’t protected from the unwanted consequences of his/her CSB. Thus,
a good relapse prevention plan addresses what happens prior to the
behavior, the behavior itself, and what happens after the behavior.
CSB can be a
devastating dynamic, both for the person who is compulsive and for the
people who love him or her. However, armed with knowledge and
compassion for self and others, people can find their way out of
compulsivity and closer to their ideal selves.
Chris
Reynolds works
in private practice in Anchorage, where he specializes in individual
therapy, couples therapy and sexual issues. He can be reached through
his website at www.reynoldstherapy.com.
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