Gender differences, the roles that men and women play or are expected to play in each other's lives, develop over many centuries. Throughout history, more men than women have been invited to believe that dominating another adult in a relationship is acceptable. This fact contributes to both battering and verbally abusive relationships.

It is no secret that in many parts of the world, through politics, religion, or custom, cultural messages encourage populations to believe that men have a right to dominate. Historically, societies are male dominated when food is scarce or groups are at war. Gender roles tend to re-balance when those conditions are no longer present. Ideally, if a society is patriarchal, the men who are in power would always be benevolent and act in the best interest of all concerned. History tells a different story, however.

It is reasonable to expect all adults to be in charge of themselves. Children, in preparation for adulthood, need to grow into self-responsible (not selfish) individuals who are inner-directed, self-aware, and operate from personal power. Personal power neutralizes the abusive relationship that results from dominance.

Attitudes are changing rapidly due to the efforts of both men and women who understand that dominance can generate harm for spouses, children, and our whole society. We no longer condone slavery, child labor, child abuse or wife battering. We are generally aware of oppression due to physical force, though we are much less aware of psychological oppression resulting from verbal manipulation and control. Any repressive situation can continue if it goes unrecognized. Verbal abuse is a form of battering that leaves no physical scars and can create such confusion for the victim that it is difficult, perhaps impossible, to recognize.

Relationships begin with love and courtship in which a couple is nurturing and supportive of each other, clearly engaged in behaviors designed to convince the other of desirability. When abuse enters it may come on tiptoes. It is frequently disguised as humor, avoidance, or stress related irritability. It is like the experiment with the frog. When a frog was placed in a tank of hot water it jumped right out. However, if the temperature in a cool tank was raised slowly over time, the frog stayed in the tank until it cooked, not ever recognizing danger.

In her book The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Patricia Evans proposes two distinct realities that abusers and their victims experience. People in Reality 1 experience every situation, conversation, or interaction as having a winner and a loser. There is nothing in between; therefore, if you are not clearly the winner (being dominant) you must have lost. To lose is to be powerless and weak, a terrible feeling to be avoided at all cost. Reality 1 people have learned that life is this way at the hands of Reality 1 parents or caretakers. Since no one stepped up to say that this was wrong, long standing anger and resentment have hidden inside, only to resurface years later when the now grown individual has power over others, usually women or children. Unfortunately, this prevents real relationships.

The other reality, referred to as Reality 2, requires connection to feelings. Feelings are used to know who we are, what is important, and what we need. Reality 2 people have personal power and expect everyone else to have personal power as well. In Reality 2, mutuality is the name of the game. Cooperation in a mutually created win-win world is the primary goal.

In order to have a Reality 2 relationship, both people must want it that way. If one person lives in a Reality 1 world, mutuality is impossible. Living in Reality 2 requires high levels of self-esteem and high levels of trust. It requires connection with feelings, also known as emotional intelligence. In real life, relationships span a continuum between the extremes of Reality 1 and Reality 2.

If we are to eliminate relationships in which one person uses verbal abuse to keep control, we must teach recognition of dominance behaviors. Children must be raised in environments that model Reality 2 and prepares them for Reality 2 adult relationships. It must be common knowledge that verbal abuse is simply a means of keeping control and power over another.

John Grey wrote a wonderful book for families entitled, What You Can Feel, You Can Heal. Unable to feel many things, the verbal abuser experiences only anger. Without the ability to accept and reveal feelings to a partner, the verbal abuser builds a wall between himself/herself and others in order to maintain distance. Since everyone is either a winner or a loser, a partner is always a potential enemy and walls keep the enemy from getting too close. Words become weapons of choice.

Patricia Evans notes fifteen categories of verbal abuse: withholding; countering; discounting; putdown jokes; blocking/diverting; accusing/blaming; judging/criticizing; trivializing; undermining; threatening; name calling; forgetting; ordering; denial; and abusive anger. Each of these weapons is used to maintain control and create confusion or doubt in the victim. Most are violations of boundaries. For example, to be ignored is to be treated as if you have no boundary; you don't exist. If you are ordered to do something, you have no boundary because you are perceived to be an extension of the abuser's will. "You don't know what you are talking about!" is a violation of your mind and separate knowledge, and so on.

Verbal abuse is not the same as conflict. In conflict, each person wants something different and it is necessary to discuss wants, needs and reasons while attempting to find a mutually acceptable solution. Verbal abuse is a violation, an intrusion, and disregards the other in an attempt to have dominance.

As I work with couples, I often find bad habits of communication, misconceptions about roles and feelings, and unfortunate repetition of old programming. Most people are alarmed to discover that they are verbal abusers and want to stop. They have goodwill and want a relationship of mutuality but don't know how to go about getting one. Others can't or won't give up verbal abuse because they do not have the ability to feel equal in a relationship. For these individuals, self-development is so fragile they believe dominance is required for survival.

Deciding what to do if you believe you are being verbally abused involves many factors. It is important to recognize the abuse as it occurs and understand that you will have to respond with strength and determination to stop it. Sometimes just the act of "calling the foul" is enough to stop it. On the other hand, if you are feeling shocked or too hurt to speak, or if your mate is out of control and/or you fear for your safety, you should not be dealing with it alone. Don't expect to remain serene and non-reactive indefinitely. You deserve a nurturing environment and have a right to affirm your boundaries. It isn't healthy to live in an abusive atmosphere and it is a terrible model for children.

If a partner doesn't want to change abusive patterns, he/she won't. The assistance of a pastor, counselor or community program may be helpful in clearing the confusion you experience about your situation and getting it to change.

Jackie Garretson, LMFT, is a certified Imago Relationship Therapist practicing in Anchorage.