When working with a person who is depressed, I find he or she will inevitably ask: "What's wrong with me? Why can't I just be happy?" In exploring these questions, what usually surfaces is the realization that our inner demands and expectations of life either cannot be realized or aren't based in reality. The truth is that life is often hard and uncomfortable; it's not meant to be perfect and never will be.

Most of us are continually comparing ourselves to an invisible model of life. This model of the 'perfect life' has been forming all our lives, in the hazy background of our thinking. It may be so subtle that we don't even realize we are constantly comparing our life to it and coming up lacking.

Where did this model come from? Most of it came from TV, movies and the media in general. Pictures of the perfect life have been presented to us subtly in all marketing campaigns. The message is some version of the idea that you can have the perfect life by "just doing this." Gorgeous men promise you can have them if you just wear this perfume. Soft white perfect clothes can be yours if you just use that detergent. Change your hair color and you can change your life. But if you don't wear a certain deodorant, then you may be socially ostracized. And God forbid someone should smell you -- you must prevent that at all costs, even if your aluminum deordorant causes breast cancer. From the TV commercials that promise you the moon "if only you do this" to the distorted images and perceptions of movies that make life a much more exciting romantic adventure than it usually is, the model develops and becomes stronger. It insists that life is supposed to be perfect and so are you. After all, everyone else has a perfect life, don't they?

We obey the media faithfully and don't realize that the promised perfect life will never manifest. The perfume didn't get you the man. You dressed for success and yet didn't get the fabulous new job. You changed your hair color but your life didn't change. And no one admired your soft white clothes. No matter what you do, you just can't get it right.

There are times, however, when you almost get it right: life is good, your career is cooking, and you have lost those extra 20 pounds. You're on a roll. What happens next? The dog gets run over by a car, your husband walks out on you or your kids get busted for drugs and your perfect family becomes hopelessly flawed -- the perfect image is shattered again. There must be something wrong with you. Depression sets in as you gain back the 20 pounds, pick up the pieces and try to move on. The could-haves, should-haves and if-onlys set in; unhappiness becomes a living thing. You ask yourself yet again: "What's wrong with me?"

I believe this question is one of the most dangerous to self-esteem. Truth is - there is nothing wrong with you, or any of us. Rather, it is the model in our head that is wrong, for there is no perfect life. The model will always challenge us until we master it. As soon as we get comfortable, life will turn us upside down and make us go another ten yards. It is designed to bring out the best in us, develop our talents and abilities, and build character, for the greatest challenges hold the greatest gifts. However, at some time in our life we will inevitably be abandoned, betrayed, rejected, hurt, frustrated and embarrassed. People and situations will piss us off. We will all make mistakes, sometimes big ones.

Out of our wounds, life purpose develops. Our personal growth and development are more important to Life that having it all. Life has its own agenda and most of the time we resist it to the max, causing ourselves a lot of unhappiness along the way. God's will and our will can hopelessly become at odds. Unfortunately for the ego, God's will always wins in the end. So make it easy on yourself and surrender.

Even the therapy models compare people against a standard: perfection. Remember when co-dependency was a sickness? (Compared to a perfect model, it is.) Then it was discovered that everyone was co-dependent (therapists being some of the worst case scenerios), which makes co-dependency a normal state. How many people do you know who are perfect? More often we hate our past, hate our parents, all those people who did us in and use that as a good excuse as to why we don't have the perfect life. Some people won't even go to therapy because it is an admission to imperfection. If you admit you are imperfect, how can the perfect dream happen?

Most people are just about as happy as they decide to be or as happy as their parents were. It has nothing to do with how healthy they are. There are some messed up people who are very happy and some pretty together people who are miserable. The amount of joy you were raised with is how much joy you habitually manifest, unless you take on the task of changing your mind. It is the thoughts you entertain all day long that decide your happiness or unhappiness, not what happens or doesn't happen to you. Of course you are in charge of your thoughts and you can change them.

That model in your head of the perfect mate, the perfect life, the perfect job, the perfect look is a myth. What would happen if you erased it? Can you imagine living without the myth? How freeing that would be! You don't have to get it right; you don't have to be a big success. You can let go of the need to prove you are ok - - because you are. You just have to live and learn to be yourself. Nothing else is required of you. How liberating!

The first task is to become aware of the model. Then begin to erase it by not obeying it anymore. Drop demands and expectations when you find yourself indulging in them. You can change your mind. You can be happy no matter what is going on in your life as long as you don't take life too personally. This is the road to self-mastery.

If it seems like a big job to change those unhappy dreary thoughts, just think of how hard it is to change physical reality, people or the nature of life. Changing your thoughts is much, much easier.

Jackie Kosednar is a holistic health practitioner combining spiritual counseling, hypnotherapy, and energy work. She is the publisher of Alaska Wellness magazine and author of the book, "One Miracle After Another."