Dear Chris,
I seem to be finding myself in a familiar situation. I’ve met a great guy, we’ve been dating for about 6 months, I really like him, and he really likes me. But in the last few weeks I’ve been wondering if he’s really the right one for me. I fear I’m settling for a guy I won’t ultimately be happy with, though he has all the qualities I’m looking for. As I mentioned, I’ve felt this way before and left at least one guy in the past which I regret because I got bored and went looking elsewhere. Is this normal or have I just not found the right person for me yet?
Signed, Losing Interest

Dear LI,
Most people find that they are less primally attractive to their mates after a period of six months to two years. This change is part of the natural progression of relationships: in healthy relationships the enmeshed phase evolves into a stage of differentiation in which a deeper intimacy is possible. (For more information about these stages see the May/June 2009 issue of Alaska Wellness.) However, some people have a hard time making this transition and thus find themselves in a pattern of failed relationships at the end of enmeshment.

Keep in mind, LI, that monogamous relationships are always a package deal. Nobody gets the perfect match they would have custom ordered if it was possible. To get a better idea about whether the negative aspects of the relationship outweigh the positive, ask yourself the following questions:

	Am I getting bored with this relationship because I’m avoiding a deeper intimacy with my partner?
	Am I getting bored because I’m avoiding conflict and, therefore, a possible resolution with my partner?
	Are the things that I’d change about my partner mere annoyances, or would they get in the way of my happiness as an individual?
	Am I willing to endure the uncomfortable parts of my relationship in an effort to learn about myself and the capacity of the relationship?

Only you can look deep enough inside yourself to figure out whether you’re losing interest in your relationship because of some pattern of yours that’s not working, or because the relationship’s not working. If you keep asking the hard questions I trust you’ll find the answers.
~ ~ ~

Dear Chris,
My wife has a problem with low desire which is really affecting our marriage. We used to be physically intimate four to five times every week before we had kids. Now I’m lucky if it’s once a month, and she’s never very into it. I’ve bought her books to read about desire problems, which she thinks is insensitive. I want our old life back. Is there any hope for improvement?
Signed, Blight in Love Life

Dear BILL,
Yes, there is hope, but only after you abandon the fantasy that you and your wife can turn back time and be the same people you were before you had kids. Sexuality is dynamic, not static. I’ll bet you both have different needs and wants than you did pre-kids, and not just in reference to how often you want to be physically intimate. You’re also not doing yourself any favors by labeling this “her problem”. You may want to start thinking about ways in which you’re contributing to a lack of physical intimacy in your marriage, and make sure you’re accountable for these dynamics. Your road back to a fulfilling intimacy is threefold:

First, you and your wife will have to create an environment that’s conducive to solving sexual problems. That means getting comfortable talking about sexuality and valuing what the other person has to say. Really listen to each other, and try to understand your partner’s experience of the problem.

Second, recognize that whatever the solution will end up being, it will be a reflection of your individual sexualities today. Embrace that, and find creative solutions that meet both your needs. You might try taking turns pursuing each other, with the pursuer arranging the sexual encounter (which might be as simple as a hug or a backrub) in ways that are a good representation of his/her wants or needs. This can be a fun way keep our partners up to date on our ever-changing sexuality; of course, anybody gets to say “no thank you” at any time.

Third, know that the solution does not include your wife “submitting” more. Being sexual in the context of neutral emotions (“I could take it or leave it”) is fine but being sexual in the context of negative emotions (“I hate this”, “This feels awful”, “I’m angry about this” or “This hurts”) is a one-way street toward more serious problems and less intimacy for you, BILL, not more. If your wife feels pressured or guilty about her role in your physical life together it may be helpful to expect less or even no intimacy from her for a while. By doing this you give her the gift of some emotional breathing room, and a clear message that her needs are as important to you as your own.
 

Chris Reynolds works in private practice in Anchorage, where he specializes in individual therapy, couples therapy and sexual issues. He can be reached through his website at www.reynoldstherapy.com.

PLEASE NOTE:
Readers are welcome to submit personal questions about relationships with husbands, wives, boy/girlfriends, children, friends, etc. Published questions may be edited for anonymity or brevity. Have you been pondering a question you'd like another perspective on? Please e-mail Chris at chris@reynoldstherapy.com for possible inclusion in the next edition of Alaska Wellness. And remember: “There are no bad questions!”