Dear Chris,
Last month I found out that my husband of 15 years had an affair. At
first he denied it, but after I showed him some pretty convincing
evidence I found, he admitted to a brief sexual fling. Never in a
million years did I think this would happen to me. The few people
I’ve told expect me to be angry and be thinking about divorce, but I
feel this overwhelming need to win him back. Am I crazy? Part of me
thinks that he got the best of both worlds here … he got to sleep
around and now he gets me trying to win him back. But I’m so afraid
of losing my marriage that all I can think of is what I need to do
to keep him. Is it OK to try to win him back?
Signed,
Dazed and Confused
Dear DAC,
I’m very sorry for the pain you’re surely feeling. Let me first give
you some general information about affairs in long-term
relationships, then address your situation. Research about affairs
indicates that 21% of men and 11% of women have been sexually
unfaithful in their marriage. If we broaden this definition of
“unfaithful” to include emotional affairs, the numbers jump to 44%
for men and 25% for women. It’s the most common reason people get
divorced. You may find it interesting to know that 56% of men
reported that they were not unhappy in their marriage at the time
they engaged in an affair. Regardless of whether either the
unfaithful or the hurt partner was unhappy at the time of the
affair, available research suggests that failure to address the
reasons the affair happened as well as the consequences in the
marriage will likely result in long-term marital problems. The good
news is that many couples eventually report that the affair forced
them to create a union which was more fulfilling than what they had
before the event.
To answer your question, DAC, you’re not crazy. Becoming angry or
trying to “win back” a partner are two of the most common initial
reactions by the hurt partner. It may be helpful to know that the
effects of an affair usually play out for both partners over months
or years and will evolve over time; what you feel now may not be
what you feel in a few weeks. Though time is necessary for recovery,
it is not sufficient. Over the next weeks and months, you and your
partner will need to accomplish the following things:
I suggest you each make a thoughtful decision about whether or not
you wish to reconcile the marriage. A thoughtful recommitment based
on your willingness to risk in the future, your expectations for
yourself and your partner, and your willingness to attach in the
context of pain is important. Are your efforts to save your marriage
fueled by fear and reactivity, or by an intentional decision which
reflects your values and priorities? Even if the decision is the
same, an intentional process is important to the healing process.
There will need to be space in your relationship for each person to
hear and understand their partner’s experience. In your
circumstance, DAC, I wonder if the fear of losing your marriage is
preventing you from feeling and expressing the more unpleasant parts
of the affair. Of course, your desire for him is helpful in the
reconciliation process, but not the part that requires resolution if
your marriage is to survive. Likewise, you’ll need to be able to
hear and understand your partner’s experience. This doesn’t mean
that you need to know about every detail of the affair. However, you
will need to learn the reasons why he made the mistake to eventually
have faith that it won’t happen again.
Once you understand the reasons why the affair happened, you and
your husband will need to fix the relationship so that those
conditions don’t exist in the future. This will be a complex story,
DAC; don’t settle for a quick fix in this area. Make sure it
addresses the following: What conditions in the marriage weren’t
working that set the stage for him to make the mistake? How did each
of you contribute to those conditions? What coping skills resulted
in him making such self-centered decisions when faced with those
conditions?
The relationship will need to reestablish sexual and emotional
intimacy that feels safe and fulfilling, building off of the
foundation of understanding you were able to build in stage 3.
There are hundreds of books available to help you both through this
transition. However, I recommend starting with After the
Affair by Janis Abrahms Spring.
Chris Reynolds works in
private practice in Anchorage, where he specializes in individual
therapy, couples therapy and sexual issues. He can be reached
through his website at
http://www.reynoldstherapy.com.
PLEASE NOTE:
Readers are welcome to submit personal questions about relationships
with husbands, wives, boy/girlfriends, children, friends, etc.
Published questions may be edited for anonymity or brevity. Have you
been pondering a question you'd like another perspective on?
Please e-mail Chris at
chris@reynoldstherapy.com for possible inclusion in the next
edition of Alaska Wellness. And remember: “There are no bad
questions!”
