One of my mantras as a parent coach is:
“What you focus on grows.” I have taken this fully to heart and
intentionally look for what is working well. I pay attention to what
I want more of (thoughtful and respectful children, for instance!).
I encourage parents to notice when their children are behaving
positively and to pay attention to what they want more of. This is
powerful because the more we focus on what we’d like, the more our
actions support our goal — and the more likely we achieve it.
I learn so much as I grow as a coach. Staying in my integrity —
making sure what I mean, say, and do are in alignment — has created
many opportunities for self-growth. I welcome that. However, my
latest ‘Aha!’ has me shaking my head at something that should have
been obvious to me.
I have been the conscientious mom ever since my girls started
school. Fever? They stayed home. Stuffy nose? Home. I lived by my
own mother’s advice — 24 hours of wellness before returning to
school. Any doubt, they stayed home. What has challenged me the last
five years is how often my youngest has gotten sick and missed
school. Now that she is a junior in high school, this is tough.
As I began embracing and living all I learned through my studies and
spiritual explorations, I found I was relaxing more, trusting the
Universe, staying present to the moment. This energized me,
propelling me forward in building my business and creating healthier
relationships. I also made progress in regards to illness — I became
less stressed over Becky having to miss school. I stepped back and
let her discover the best way to catch up with academics, to decide
if she was feeling well enough to tackle work. But she was still
getting sick, and often.
What could I do differently? As I thought about this, it dawned on
me. Even though I was focused on health (healthy food, good sleep,
exercise, etc.), I was focused on her getting and staying
well. What would be different if I focused on her being well?
A subtle, yet entirely different approach! To “be” means we are,
whereas to “get” or “stay” acknowledges the possibility of something
else. Embracing the power of “what we focus on grows,” I made
changes.
I began with describing what being well meant to me in regards to my
daughter. If Becky is being well, she is energetically involved with
school, athletics, and friendships. As I’ve encouraged my clients to
do, I wrote out a clear, detailed description of Becky in this state
and posted it where I could read it every day. Having this image at
the forefront of my brain helped me take daily action that supported
this vision, as well as recognize where I already was helping Becky
be well. Providing healthy foods, setting up an environment that
allowed her down time (minimizing stress) and opportunity for plenty
of sleep has always been a priority of mine. Where I needed to do
things differently was when Becky actually got sick.
I noticed that by focusing on her being well and keeping that image
in mind, I shifted from the solicitous mom to the matter-of-fact
mom. Rather than tuck her in on the couch, bring her lots of water,
zip to the video store for movies, all the while showing lots of
affection, I stepped back and started asking her questions. “Do you
think you need to stay home?” “What is your plan for taking care of
your needs?” “What can I do to help you out?”
By my asking questions, Becky began to take increased ownership of
her well-being. I had to work at putting aside my anxiety that drove
me forward before (if she doesn’t get enough fluids, if she misses
too much school, if the rest of us catch her germs…), and instead
let her take charge and learn what works best for her. By keeping my
vision of her being “energetically involved in school, athletics,
and friendships” at the forefront, I was able to step back, pay
less attention to her illness and more attention to when she
exhibited even a little of the vision I held for her.
I also discovered that when I became matter-of-fact I spent a lot
less time with her while she was feeling sick. I focused on my self,
my day, and my work. If Becky wanted a video, I’d go when it fit in
my schedule. If Becky needed food and it was a good time to fix her
something, I would. Did I ignore her? No. Did I cater to her? No. I
found a balance that felt comfortable (it is difficult transitioning
from the caring and solicitous mom who drops everything to tend to
her sick child, to the matter-of-fact mom!) and stuck with it. I
knew I wanted wellness to be the norm.
And this is when I realized how amazing it is to focus on being well
— to focus on what I truly wanted. Becky got sick this fall as
usual, three times — the pattern she has held since 6th grade. What
has been different? Her first two illnesses were mild, she missed no
school, and she discovered just exactly what she can do — and do
well —despite feeling under the weather. And I felt calmer, more at
ease, and able to look beyond the moment to the wellness I want to
live by.
Being well is empowering. It brings to mind “having arrived”
rather than striving to get somewhere. It allows us to embrace where
we are with our health and affirm wellness, propelling us forward to
even better health. We can choose to focus on our illnesses, or we
can choose to pay attention to wellness, no matter the confines of
our health. Becky brought me essential practice in a concrete way,
and now, as I face illness, I am empowered to do the same for
myself. I can image what being well looks and feels like, and I can
stay focused on noticing when I’m feeling even a little bit this
way, and noticing what I can do well despite illness.
What does being well look like to you? How does it influence choices
you make and actions you take? What might be different as a result?
Alice Hanscam is a PCI
Certified Parent Coach®, Certified ScreamFree Leader, and owner of
Denali Parent Coaching. Visit her website at
www.denaliparentcoaching.com or contact her at 868-6933 or
denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com for more information.
