When asked how to hold a sword correctly, the actor Errol Flynn
replied, "In the same way you would hold a bird, not too tight
and not too loose. If you hold it too tightly the bird dies, but if
you hold too loosely it will fly away and you're left with
nothing." Swashbuckling skills aside, there's a great deal of
wisdom in Flynn's reply - if we can understand how to apply it in our
lives.
LIfe gives us many chances to experience every
emotion from ecstasy to despair, whether we like it or not. When
unwelcome emotions come calling, our first response is often to
pretend we're not home. Such resistance usually proves futile,
however, providing little more than a somber reminder that what we
resist will persist.
Worry and anxiety trigger our natural desire to
resist, though the effort required may increase our tension and
anxiety. Paradoxically, once we stop trying to resist things can often
quickly improve. (Though this may be difficult to remember when we are
caught squarely in the headlights of an oncoming sixteen wheeler
called worry or anxiety.) Fortunately, we are not without options and
have more resources than we may realize.
If resistance strengthens emotions, it seems
logical to assume that acceptance might produce the opposite effect.
What would happen if we stopped resisting our anxieties and decided to
just be with them? Acceptance doesn't mean giving in to worry and
anxiety. Rather, it means changing our relationship with them by
changing how we think and by being more mindful of their presence.
This simple shift quickly empowers a strong sense of autonomy that
comes from accepting we are human.
There are two essential keys that will help us
create this shift. First, we can remind ourselves why we worry about
things in the first place. We are all smart enough to know worrying
never solves problems. If it could, we wouldn't have any problems or
troubles in the world. No wars or famine, no global recession - people
would simply organize worry workshops and sit around in groups
frantically worrying until all the problems disappeared. Everyone
knows that wouldn't work, yet we continue to worry and there's a
natural reason why.
We are pre-programmed to worry. It's an
essential aspect of who we are. If you watch a wild rabbit you will
notice most of its attention focused not in looking for food but for
potential danger. This hardly seems an equitable distribution, yet
animals in the wild, especially rabbits, are wired this way for a
reason. Much like us, they are instinctively programmed to eat and
stay alive, though the two essentials are not equally driven. If a
rabbit fails to find food today the worst case scenario is that it
will go hungry but can try again tomorrow. However, if it fails to
notice potential predators, it won't have a tomorrow to try.
Humans are also wired with primordial programs,
one of which seems to be heavily biased in favor of avoiding pain -
which explains why so many of us have a tendency to worry, even when
there's nothing to worry about. Perhaps our anxieties are just one
transient fragment of the universal energy which makes up the unique
experience of life. If so, then resistance may be the most unnatural
and futile strategy we could employ, while acceptance of what is
natural and healthy may provide us with a simple and effective key to
change.
Acceptance often diminishes the tightness and
tensions associated with conflict, and we may feel more relaxed as
soon as we stop trying to dam this natural flow of primordial
instincts. Thus we empower a center of calm from which to introduce
one of our most powerful and natural resources: mindfulness.
Mindfulness occurs when our attention is
exclusively present here and now. This sounds fairly obvious,
but in reality our attention is rarely directed at the current moment
of our experience. Our mind works primarily on auto pilot, skipping
from one internal video to another while we drive, eat, shower, or get
dressed. Our mind may be anywhere, with anyone, though in truth the
only place we can ever truly exist is here and now. We spend much of
our time sleepwalking through illusions of mindless thought, allowing
our anxieties and worries to dominate in a mind that has forgotten its
dreams are unreal.
The practice of mindfulness provides an
excellent resource against worry because it helps us to stay calm and
understand the reality of the present moment rather than being seduced
by unreal images of catastrophic thought. Mindfulness effortlessly
breaks the illusion of catastrophic thinking by providing a mind state
which allows us to gently hold the emotions we are feeling - without
creating the suffocating tensions that arise when we hold them too
tightly. We don't have to be experts in mindfulness, we need only
cultivate a simple understanding of how less resistance and more
acceptance may provide an essential key to change.
The N.O.T.E. strategy offers a
consistently effective mindfulness resource in times of worry. As you
sense the early signs of arising anxiety or worry:
N. Notice the physical location
of the emotions your thoughts are creating in you now. That is,
notice exactly where in your body you feel anxious.
O. Observe how you create this emotion. Is it a
result of your inner voice, or an image? If it's your voice slow it
down or alter it in some way; if it's an image make it
smaller.
T. Take five deep breaths and try to exhale for twice as long
as it takes to inhale. Do this by breathing in through the nose and
blowing out through the mouth. Your breathing should always be
comfortable, never forced or strained.
E. Explore your perceptual field by noticing what is
happening externally. For example, imagine watching yourself through
the eyes of someone who loves you unconditionally. Explore as many
positive and different ways that you can see yourself in this
moment.
As you start to feel relaxed, ask yourself what
thoughts will be most helpful to you now.
This resource for transforming anxiety to inner
peace provides an excellent foundation to cultivate greater happiness
and a more grounded and nourishing sense of self.
Gary Dooley is founder of Life
Balance Ltd and author of Change Your Life and Keep the Change. An
invaluable resource for unconscious change, available November 2011.
