A mother of four who was in her fifties once confided to me that she was still angry with her mother for dying and leaving her. I also remember my mother grieving the loss of her mother long after the event of death had occurred. There were days of misery lost in self-pity, as she was oblivious to the wealth of life surrounding her.

My mother died nine days after my 21st birthday and just after her 50th. I was present with her in the moment of her passing. My experience preceding that moment and following it brought me several realizations:

We do not know in advance just how much time we have to perform our life's work. When we are able to hold this fundamental fact firmly in mind in all our interactions with each other, we may find that the quality of the interaction changes, that our little irritations, wants and desires are at once seen as ridiculous, self-centered, and insignificant. We may see that each moment of life is precious, and we may imbue our interactions with respect, value and love. No amount of wishing we had acted differently can change the fact after a loved one is gone.

As Mother assisted me to be born, I was able to assist Mother in letting go. First, I had to let go of the demand for Mother to continue playing the "mother role." I replaced this demand with respect for her as an equal and accepted responsibility for myself. When she expressed misgivings about having to leave because we might need her, I assured her that she had performed her work with respect to my older siblings and me and that we would look after our younger brother.

Secondly, I did not allow myself to indulge in self-pity, horror or sadness while sitting with her in the hospital. I simply provided as much of an atmosphere of love and acceptance as was possible for me at that time. I had learned three years earlier that no amount of resistance, demand, wailing and grieving changed the fact of my father's death. It only added a burden to him as well as to those closest to me.

Mother's death marked a milestone in my life. It was necessary to cooperate with the process and assist in allowing her transition to be a peaceful and even a joyous one. Being in her presence at the moment of her passing brought an exquisite sense of peace and well being for which there are no adequate words. In order to allow this experience it was necessary to stop being a child and to simply BE. Martha Barber is a Licensed and Nationally Certified Massage Therapist with a Master's degree in Experimental Psychology who encourages body-mind integration and well being. Saturday appointments: 258-4195 Direct message: 223-7229.