The Art of Validation:
How To Talk to Your Children

The mind of a child is vast and innocent. It works like the unconscious itself: direct, impulsive and very simple. Whatever the child learns is imprinted upon it's open mind piece by piece, moment by moment, year by year. Each child is unique and individual. At the same time, all children are freshly receptive to influences. The mind of a child functions like a clean slate, picking up and storing everything it learns and hears as it imprints. It may carry those imprints for the rest of its life.

What you say and do as an adult impacts a child greatly. As most parents learn, your child models you -- whether you like it or not. Because the inner thinking programs and processing filters aren't elaborated yet, children respond directly and literally. The power of sensory representation is still intact. Whatever you say will be represented inside your child's mind clearly.

Negation comes with language. The unconscious mind doesn't process "No." It processes what is said and so does the child. When you say, "Don't walk on the meadow," the inner picture of a meadow arises. When you say, "Don't scream," the sound of scream is heard in the unconscious and might appeal to the child. Naming the negative proposes the inner representation of what you don't want to happen and suggests it to happen.

It is a good idea to formulate what you want in a positive way. For example, "Would you please stay on the path?" or "Would you please use your low voice?" The inner representation will make a picture of a path. The inner auditory component will make a sound of a quiet voice, as you mention it.

Feeling misunderstood, frustrated or hurt often means that there has been a lack of validation. It most often reflects emphasis on what doesn't work or is not present, which naturally creates a low momentum of feeling bad.

A cup can be half-full or half-empty. It is your choice how you speak about it. Looking through the glasses of validation you will appreciate the full half. You will emphasis the possibilities rather than the limitations, and focus on the outcome rather than the problem. Every situation can be viewed as a learning. Looking forward rather than backward elicits the value of what is present and naturally creates a higher momentum of feeling good.

The following two principles can help us to be fresh and outcome-oriented in the way we think and speak about and to each other:

• The positive worth of each being is held constant, while the appropriateness of behavior is questioned.
  
  
• There is a positive intention motivating every behavior and a context in which every behavior has value.

There is not a situation or person that cannot be validated. Every person and situation has something unique and special. The Art of Validation highlights the positive intent or value behind questionable behavior. It is possible to communicate validation and empowerment independent of the issue or circumstances. Finding the words to validate each and every person in each and every situation is a natural gift or an art that can be learned.

When your child has messed up your living room, you could elicit fear and contraction with a sharp, "What did you do? Don't ever do this again!" Or, you could take a moment and connect with the intention behind the act, appreciate that first and suggest positively what it is that you want. For example: "You were really expressive here and played with many things. I bet that was fun. Do you remember that more people are using this room? I like it nice and organized. Would you please bring your things to your room and clean up this room so that we can all feel good here?"

If you don't want your child to watch TV and say, "You can't watch any more TV," you create an experience of loss. No one likes the idea of loss. Be curious of the intention behind TV watching and be motivated to find new working solutions with your child. Ask what he or she gets from watching TV, and help to find out what are the true needs of your child. Then you can assist in finding other activities that fulfill that need, rather than asking your child not to do something that at this point obviously seems to be valuable.

The Art of Validation focuses on what is already there and what does work. It doesn't mean that the negative cannot work, but it does mean to emphasize the positive. The idea here is that critical, emotional hurt and disapproval don't need to be emphasized or strengthened. Rather than deepening wounds that already exist, it makes more sense to focus on healing by expressing respect and acknowledgment independent of the issue.

The Art of Validation may appear difficult to do. I am not saying that it is easy. It requires redirecting our thoughts. True validation needs our willingness, attention and often patience. A wonderful aspect of this re-languaging is that it will benefit you greatly. You might need to spend time thinking about how to phrase your messages, but in the long run it will save a lot of time by avoiding resistance and struggle later on. The purpose is to create more flow and fun with your children and make life together easier.

If you choose to practice these ideas, you will have one wonderful tool for assistance. Watch the responses that you elicit. Facial expressions and gestures along with non-verbal cues tell the truth. Children have not developed poker faces or superficial smiles yet. Their responses are usually clear and honest; they offer direct feedback.

More conscious application of language and a focus on validation is a powerful reminder for being with children. Children create instant feedback and challenge for our communication and behavior. They trigger higher awareness and consciousness in our interactions. Don't they teach us at least as much as we teach them? Arpana Greenwood (German ND, Trainer from the Society of NLP) offers NLP seminars, certification trainings and individual consultations in Anchorage and Fairbanks. For more information: 258-2608 or toll free 1-888-846-4251.