You’ve decided to divorce and are
wondering how best to tell the children. If both mom and dad
together are planning what to say, you’re off to a good start
because this is the first step towards a healthy restructuring of
the family unit. Unfortunately for children of divorce, many parents
are so afraid of whether they can control their own emotions or
manage their children’s reaction that they don’t speak about the big
changes that are going to affect all their lives. Instead, children
are left confused, anxious and fearful when they see one parent
moving out without any explanation as to what’s happening.
Yes, it is a difficult discussion to have with your children.
Nonetheless, they have a right to know and it’s best for both
parents to do it together before the separation. While it’s okay for
you to be sad—and even cry—while you explain your decision to
separate, it’s not appropriate to be so distraught that your
children hide their feelings because they are worried about
overwhelming you. Parents must be vessels for their children’s
emotions and concerns. Show them that the decision to divorce was
not easy and reassure them that you are strong enough to continue
being their parents.
Despite their differences, most divorcing couples share great
concern for their children. Building on this mutual love will help
keep your children’s needs and feelings at the forefront as you move
through the powerful and often volatile emotions the divorce process
may stir up. Although many children are hurt by their parents’
divorce, they are resilient—so long as parents continue in their
adult roles, manage their own emotions, and make divorce decisions
from a child-centered perspective.
It’s helpful if mom and dad together tell the children. It’s best if
you do so before you actually separate, in order to give your kids
time to adjust. If you speak separately to your children, perhaps
because conflict is high in the marriage, it’s important to
acknowledge the arguments; explain that you as parents will work
hard to stop those from happening, and that you don’t want them in
the middle or taking sides. Nothing damages children more in their
development than being required to choose one parent over the other.
Similarly, telling children about the divorce should never be used
to disparage the other parent or threaten your child’s relationship
with them.
In words they will understand, explain that you’ve decided to live
in separate homes, that the split will happen by a certain date, and
that you are divorcing. Tell them more than once that they did not
cause the divorce and it’s not their fault. Explain what will happen
after one parent moves out: where will the children live; will they
continue in the same school and see their friends; how often will
they see each parent? Unless there is a real threat of danger from
one parent, children have the right to spend time with both parents,
and they need to know that it’s okay to continue loving you both.
Your children may ask why the divorce is happening. It’s crucial at
this moment for parents to refrain from blaming or badmouthing each
other. A brief answer is best, something that tells the children
you’re not happy together, you don’t get along anymore, and you
don’t want to live together. You should avoid telling them
inappropriate details about the ending of your marriage. This is the
time to reassure them that your love as parents never stops and that
you both will love and care for them no matter what.
While you may be uncomfortable with the discussion, go slow:
although you may have thought through the decision to divorce for a
long time, it’s new to the children. Give them a chance to process
what you are telling them. Let them be emotional, ask questions.
Watch the tone of your voice—no anger or harshness.
Though difficult to do, this first discussion should not be the only
conversation you have with your children on the subject. Separation
and divorce are times of upheaval for all of you. As the adults, you
hold the mold for a healthy divorce. How and what you tell the
children is the first step in that process.
Judith Conte is a writer,
mediator, Collaborative Family Lawyer, and educator who facilitates
workshops on communication, healthy divorce and parenting. For more
information, call: 907-727-4637 or Twitter @JudithConte
