Dear Chris,
Is it possible to change a person’s physical desire in a committed
relationship? I’m 45 and not very interested now, but when I first
met my husband 20 years ago we were pretty passionate. Through the
years, after kids and careers, I just don’t seem to be that into our
physical relationship anymore. To be honest, I don’t think I’ve ever
been a very sexual person. Even when it was a more regular part of
our relationship, my husband was always the one to initiate. Some of
my friends tell me this is normal, but my husband isn’t convinced.
Can I get some desire back, or is it just gone?
Signed,
Lost It
Dear LI,
There are lots of reasons why a person’s sense of desire for the
physical aspects of a relationship might fade. Let’s first rule out
a few causes that you didn’t mention.
Changes in desire can be the result of a number of physical
problems. I can’t tell you how many people have come to me assuming
that the origin of their problem was psychological, only to be
surprised that their physician found a solid physical cause. The
biggest physical reason a person might lose desire is hormonal
fluctuations; this can be accurately assessed by a doctor.
It’s also common for people to lose desire when the physical
relationship simply is no longer meeting either their sexual or
emotional needs. Ask yourself “What would have to be different so
that I would want to keep coming back to the physical relationship?”
If the answer varies quite a bit from what’s happening between you
and your husband, perhaps it’s only natural that you don’t feel
desire. But you didn’t mention either of these two possibilities, so
let’s explore a third.
There’s a theory that people tend to experience two different types
of desire. Theorists have labeled these reflective desire and
inherent desire. Reflective desire is felt internally, but usually
in response to someone else’s pursuit of the person feeling the
desire. This type of desire can be felt very strongly, but it’s
really a reflection of someone else’s energy. Inherent desire is
also felt internally, but — in contrast to reflective desire — it
also originates internally. It may not actually be associated with
anyone in particular, and tends to be broader than eroticism; think
of it as life energy experienced through sexuality. As the name
implies, inherent desire starts on the inside and is a function of a
person’s healthy sexual relationship with self first, and someone
else later.
These two types of desire tend to have predictable outcomes in long
term relationships. Both people with reflective desire and inherent
desire tend to start relationships with lots of passion. However,
reflective desire is much less stable once the “honeymoon” phase of
the relationship has past. Subsequent stages of the relationship are
less about raw passion and more about other good things — including
stability and the possibility of a more authentic emotional intimacy
(as opposed to who we’ve projected them to be). As the relationship
matures, a person who primarily experiences reflective desire may
find less of it to reflect and therefore subjectively feel less
desire. Inherent desire, on the other hand, tends to be much more
stable throughout the various stages of a long term relationship.
For a person who’s empowered to feel desire simply as a function of
being a human being, and who spends a lifetime enjoying that
capacity, it’s not likely to fade simply as a function of
relationship maturation.
If at this point, you’re thinking that you’ve primarily experienced
reflective desire, you may wonder whether it’s too late to develop
inherent desire at the age of 45. There’s only one way to find out:
give yourself permission to explore the possibilities of
experiencing your sexuality for your own sake. For most people, this
process will bring forth the good reasons why they didn’t develop
inherent desire in the first place. These reasons may include having
been socialized to feel shame or anxiety in association with desire
which begins internally, feeling that inherent desire is a threat to
a monogamous commitment (it’s not), or generally sex-negative
beliefs that would make the feelings of inherent desire threatening.
Because these messages often live in the background of our
consciousness, they may not be readily accessible to your everyday
thoughts. It may take some digging to find the good reasons why
inherent desire has been elusive. If you’d like some reading to
assist your journey I recommend Gina Ogden’s book The Return
of Desire.
Chris Reynolds works in
private practice in Anchorage, where he specializes in individual
therapy, couples therapy and sexual issues. He can be reached
through his website at
www.reynoldstherapy.com.
PLEASE NOTE:
Readers are welcome to submit personal questions about relationships
with husbands, wives, boy/girlfriends, children, friends, etc.
Published questions may be edited for anonymity or brevity. Have you
been pondering a question you'd like another perspective on? Please
e-mail Chris at
chris@reynoldstherapy.com for possible inclusion in the next
edition of Alaska Wellness. And remember: “There are no bad
questions!”
