Alcoholism is cunning, baffling, and powerful. It is also insidious; most family members aren't aware they are being affected until they reach out for help. They can become angry, anxious, resentful, and sometimes even physically ill because of the stress of trying to cope with someone's drinking problem. The feelings, thoughts, and actions of everyone in the family are being controlled by the alcoholic's drinking.

Out of love, family members may try to fix the problem. Some family members enable and protect the alcoholic by making excuses for them, rescuing them, taking care of them, or by sharing the alcoholic's denial and buying into their delusions. They may walk on eggshells, avoid the situation by withdrawing or refusing to talk about it, or become frustrated or filled with anger. In trying to cope with the illness, families can become adept at rationalization and denial regarding their own attitudes, feelings and behavior. They can become so preoccupied with trying to control the alcoholic that they lose perspective on their own lives. This may lead to a self-perpetuating treadmill as continued behavior patterns become part of the problem instead of part of the solution.

There are certain human needs that are usually met in normal personal relationships: to love and be loved; to be needed and accepted; to have security and a sense of accomplishment; to feel worthwhile; and to have a purpose in life. When alcoholism develops in one member of the family, there is little chance of these needs being met. As the disease progresses, needs become more and more unfulfilled. Negative feelings develop and grow, and communication breaks down. Relationships may distort very slowly and imperceptibly until no one in the family has a healthy sense of themselves.

As alcoholism continues its course, the daily stresses and uncertainties experienced by family members (such as worry, dread, fear and anger) may so distort their reasoning powers that most reactions are emotional and often destructive. The pressure from constant emergency living is formidable, and a feeling of doom may hang over their heads. Generally, there is a good cause for anxiety, apprehension and anger over the continual crises. A period of calm, easy living, which might allow for even a little objectivity, is very rare. While the alcoholic is anesthetized from much of the pain of the daily problems, the family members are not. They usually experience the alcoholic's suffering as well as their own. They often resent this, but do not know how to avoid it.

Sometimes family members blame themselves for the drinking -- "If only I was a better person," or "If only I got better grades." They can become fearful of the unpredictable consequences of drinking -- the mood swings, anger, tension and sometimes even violence. They may fear the family will break up. There is disappointment, isolation, embarrassment, and a growing resentment as the disease places more and more unfair demands on the family. Thus, anger and resentment grows.

The family is often puzzled by the alcoholic blackouts, which are temporary losses of memory. The alcoholic will clearly be unable to recall some things he/she has said and done, and may strongly deny that they happened. The family members may argue about what really occurred, but they will also seriously question whether they themselves are in touch with reality. They may begin to develop an ominous fear about their own sanity.

Reaching out to extended family and friends often upsets and confuses family members even more because of society's misguided myths and prevailing attitudes about alcoholism. In fact, some will even blame the family for the drinking.

Try as they might, families can't control the alcoholic's drinking. The only thing they can control is how it affects their own lives. There are three things family members need to do in order to resolve this problem. First, they need to learn about alcoholism and develop a better understanding of how to deal with it more effectively. Second, they need to realize it is not their fault -- they can't cause, cure or control the drinking, but they can contribute to the problem if they continue the enabling, protective behavior. And three, family members need to get their own support and guidance from people who understand the problem. As family members begin to free themselves from the affects of the alcoholic's drinking, they can begin to make progress toward a normal existence for themselves.

Fortunately, there are excellent sources of help available to anyone touched by alcoholism. In addition to professional help, the self-help groups Al-Anon and Alateen bring hope to families and friends of alcoholics. Family members who become active in these groups find emotional and spiritual support as they learn about alcoholism. As family members effect change in themselves, things will get better for them, and the resulting atmosphere can be conducive to recovery for the alcoholic as well.

Sheila Leskinen, M.S., S.C.A.C., L.M.F.T., is a marriage and family therapist with a specialty in addictions. She has a private practice in Anchorage.