The quarrel between thinking and feeling, the matters of the head and the heart, is part of our daily life. Exploring how they are woven together and affect each other has been my passion for more than 15 years. Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), a brilliant model of how human beings process information, has been my loyal friend in this journey. Its hands-on tools have helped me to appreciate the head more deeply and walk the path of the heart more smoothly.

Our head offers the qualities of rational intelligence and knowledge, discrimination, planning, organization and clarity. For the mind, nothing is ever enough. The pitfall is perfectionism, manipulation and compulsive control resulting in a contracted mental, emotional and energetic state.

Our heart offers unconditional acceptance and appreciation of oneself, others and situations. It values respect, relationship and loving care. Its energetic highest state is infinite expansion. The downfalls are over-sensitivity and loss of boundaries.

We have a tendency to be in the head, as it offers more control and apparent safety. In order to feel fulfilled, however, we need love and interpersonal nourishing exchanges, and may also desire to reach the expanded spiritual dimensions of the heart. Dividing head and heart into two different dimensions is a difficulty. It actually is a fallacy. Just as our physical head cannot exist without our physical heart, thinking and feeling are directly linked to each other.

Our head and brain processes are directly connected through neuro-pathways to the rest of our body. A negative thought creates dark pictures, inner dialogues in which we put ourselves down and physiological tension. This results in inappropriate responses, feeling bad and a contraction of the heart space. When our heart is open and loving we are inviting, friendly and soft. Our thoughts are positive and exude acceptance and understanding. The head and the heart are thus going hand in hand and really are one.

So, how can we use the power of the heart and the intelligence of the head to support rather than undermine each other? In the following example, two people love each other deeply, yet find themselves quarreling and fighting again and again. Let us examine what happens on the level of the head and the heart.

She: "I don't like the way you're speaking to me. It makes me shrink and feel horrible."

He: "What? I just said what needs to be done."

She: "You always need to play the boss. I'm tired of your power trips."

He: "You are always so over emotional. I'm fed up with your complaining and whining. I hate to have to tip toe with everything I say."

The unconscious ways we interact and use language can create separation. We might think we express ourselves honestly, though the other person may feel violated.

Every person is filled consciously or unconsciously with wounds around love and self-worth. There are ways to hit those wounds and deepen them or to treat them with care. Using negative phrases such as "I don't want" or "I don't like" may result in the listener feeling hurt or attacked. Why? Because our heads cannot stop the process of association even when there is a negation. Negation produces inner sensory experiences whether we are aware of it or not. When you say, "I don't like celery," your head automatically evokes the picture or taste of celery, just as when you say "I like coconut," the inner experience of coconut is evoked.

When She doesn't want him to act like a boss, She could ask him to act like an equal friend. When He doesn't want her to complain and whine, He could propose that She tell him directly what she wants.

Of course, there are situations where negatives are needed. Learning to set boundaries clearly, in a way that includes the heart, is a delicate matter and an important skill. The head randomly associates, fantasizes and interprets what the other person says or does. It mistakenly claims knowledge about the other person's internal experience. Using negative judgments such as "You always do this" or "You are that" are fabulous heart killers.

Translating the judgment into a statement of personal experience would sound more like: "I see your tears and hear you are upset." Replaying our example in a manner that protects the heart could sound like this:

She: "Sweetheart, I hear you want this to be done and it seems to be urgent to you. I am here to do this with you. Could you do me a favor please and ask me rather than ordering? And would you also please look at me when you talk?"

He (looking at her): "Is this better? Can we do this right now together? It would be great if we could get it done today."

It looks good on paper, but how can we engage such talk in stressful or emotion-loaded situations? In order for a train to go to another location, the tracks to the new location have to be built ­- just wanting the other location won't get you there. Here are some NLP steps to building new tracks and supporting the path of the heart. I suggest extended practice and patience.

• Step One: Identify the unwanted inner response. That could be simply feeling bad or hurt. Know there is a judgment or negative statement lingering around.
  
  
• Step Two: Stop! Take a deep breath physically move. (Just a step, head tilt or hand gesture will do.)
  
  
• Step Three: Breathe into your heart and connect to your values. This could mean connecting to tender care, gratitude, sweetness, love, etc.
  
  
• Step Four: Create your own key to your heart. Attach a picture and/or internal voice or sound to it, which expresses this quality. (For example, an inner visual of a shinning jade stone with a golden aura connected with the ocean sound and a warm, soft sounding voice asking, "What is most important?")
  
  
• Step Five: Allow yourself to relax and expand. Hold your inner key and express through it. This usually accompanied by an opening, softening and expansion in breathing, looking, listening and speaking. You might also consciously apply a "smile of the heart."

When you successfully shift your inner response, it is possible to express from your heart. Notice that when you are in your heart a natural respect and appreciation of the other becomes much easier. So turn the traffic light green, lay the guns down and let the heart speak!

Arpana Greenwood (German ND, Trainer of Society of NLP) offers NLP seminars and certification trainings in Anchorage and Fairbanks. For brochures and more information: 258-2608 or toll free 1-888-846-4251.