In Imago Relationship theory, it is assumed that the foundation of the couple relationship is created in the childhood relationships and experiences of each partner. Like the "chicken vs. egg" debate, what you are doing as a couple with your children right now, forms the foundation of their future love relationships.

Imago theory also assumes that our choice of a love partner is greatly influenced by individual needs that were not adequately met in our childhood. During the first twenty years of life, every child has certain personal needs that must be met. The most basic of these needs are in the category of "attention hunger." These are time, attention, and affection, which equal affirmation. These needs must be met by adults, not other children, and require personal attention, because gifts, objects and technology won't substitute. It is important to understand the ways that parents inadvertently fail to meet these basic needs and ask yourself: "Did this happen to me?" and "Is this happening to my children?"

Just as with adults, the emotional abuse of children involves a violation of boundaries. In their book, Kids Who Carry Our Pain, Drs. Hemfelt and Warren suggest this definition of abuse: "When a child's boundaries are violated, or the child is prevented from completing a developmental task, abuse has occurred. When abuse occurs, attention hunger goes unsatisfied." It is my belief that attention hunger is a foundation need; therefore, later forms of development will be unsuccessful or less successful if this foundation is not firmly in place. It is like the old proverb that you can't build a house on quicksand.

The law recognizes some forms of abuse -- abandonment, sexual abuse and that which leaves marks on the child, for example. There are also passive forms of abuse, both emotional and physical. When does discipline cross the line and become physical abuse? When do busy parents trying to make ends meet cross the line and emotionally abandon their children? When does openness and honesty with a child become emotional incest? These are all questions that must be answered if you are to avoid inadvertent abuse in your family. Following are some areas to consider.

For a young child, home is a refuge and family members are a very significant relationship. To a child, Mom and Dad are the "gods" of everyday life. When Mom or Dad yell at you (it doesn't matter whether you deserve it or not), it feels like "God" is upset with you and you have nowhere to hide. A child has no way to process why Mom said, "You can't do anything right!" A child doesn't understand displaced anger or Mom's difficult day. The child swallows the message and then internalizes it. Years later, that message whispers in the grown child's ear, You can't do anything right! This programming of a negative message constitutes abuse.

Negative messages can be conveyed silently as well. If there are three children in the home and two get lots of attention and one is ignored, the message to that child is, "You are not important." Negative messages are also conveyed by what a child witnesses. If Dad says things to Mom at the dinner table every evening that "put down" her cooking, housekeeping or feelings, the child's bond with his mother and the marriage relationship are damaged. This child has received the message that women are objects of scorn and this will impact his adult relationships with women. Children soak up unspoken attitudes that influence the rest of their lives.

According to Hemfelt and Warren, healthy boundaries in a family include the following:

• Structure Each person fills an appropriate role regarding marital fidelity, control in the family, and degree of authority. This means that children do not have more control than a parent does.
• Stability Life is positive and comfortably predictable from day to day. Children who never know if they will come home to anger, affection, or indifference do not have stability.
• Safety The family offers the child safety, protection, and, if needed, support when dealing with the outside world. A parent that allows one child to bully another, or expects a child to mediate other relationships in the family, is not providing safety.

Any time the nurturing role is reversed, requiring a child to act as counselor or confidante to the parent, emotional incest occurs. It is never the child's job to be there emotionally or physically for the parent! Children should be expected to do age appropriate chores, but when a child has to pitch in to cover for Mom on drugs or Dad who never gets home till bedtime, we are seeing abuse. If a child must nurture a parent, they are set up to feel guilty when the parent is not happy. Another way to abuse a child inadvertently is to withhold information that they will need in adulthood, such as information about healthy sexuality or the communication of emotions.

Finally, emotional abandonment, often in subtle forms, is abuse and prevents the attainment of basic needs to satisfy attention hunger. The very worst thing that can happen to children is to lose a parent or the parents' marriage. Children need to bond with Mom, Dad, and a healthy union between them. Whether avoidable or not, when these bonds fail a child will have trouble and will need special help in adjusting to the loss and working through the trouble. Abandonment can occur even when both parents and the marriage are present. Prescription drug addiction, severe depression, addiction to television, excessive computer use, even excessive exercise or hobby activities can create conditions that leave a child feeling unimportant and abandoned.

Life is full of challenges. Most parents mean well, including our own. The field of marriage and family therapy has come a long way in understanding what helps and what hurts healthy development. We have the opportunity to look carefully at what we experienced as children and decide whether or not to pass it on to another generation. We have the opportunity to help our children, right now, to become better future partners. This is a gift to all of our tomorrows.

Jackie Garretson, LMFT, is a certified Imago Relationship Therapist practicing in Anchorage, Alaska.