I am working too hard. Daily demands and tasks tie me down. I lose concentration, saying things I regret. I pick up the phone to call a person I love. We talk about daily matters, share some laughter. As I talk, I can feel myself filling up. It happens quickly, surprisingly. Nothing big -- just those few words of sharing. As I hang up I feel recharged. I begin to work with motivation. What has happened? A moment of intimacy…

What is Intimacy?

In our culture, intimacy is often mistaken for physical closeness and sex. People have forgotten how to be intimate. Many believe that sex is the answer. But are we using sex to answer the many calls of our emotional and psychological wishes? Has sex become an instant Band-Aid and ultimate one-way recipe? Does it cover up deeper underlying aspects?

Freeing oneself to touch and be touched, to open to sensuality rather than getting lost in sexuality often helps us to explore deeper layers of intimacy. Many of our difficulties come from not knowing how to create true and meaningful contacts. Why?

Fifteen years of working with these matters of the heart and mind allow me to conclude that everyone needs intimacy -- yet, everybody is afraid of intimacy.

Intimacy means exposing ourself. In order to expose ourselves, we have to drop our defenses. We are all hiding a thousand and one things, not only from others but also from ourselves. We have been brought up with all kinds of inhibitions and taboos. They are often hidden deep in the unconscious. When defenses are dropped, we come in touch with our wounds. Wounds cannot heal until they are opened. The more they are hidden, the more dangerous they become. They can become cancerous.

Only when we dare to accept and show our wounds is intimacy possible. Our fear is that if defenses and masks are dropped, the openness and vulnerability may be misused. Again, this is part of our old programming. Opening a wound does hurt -- it means to become naked with sincerity. It is the only way to heal our wounds and open our heart.

Everybody needs intimacy. It is hard to be alone. Further, it is only through togetherness that we open and learn more about ourselves. Of course, theoretically, I have everything inside of myself. The relaxation and centeredness I look for is in me, in my meditation and spirituality. However, intimacy can be part of the path to finding the inner oneness. Daring to be intimate means accepting and loving yourself so that you can accept and love someone else. It also means taking initiative. It means looking, opening, listening, speaking, touching, expressing and moving with others and ourselves.

On my personal path, Neuro-Linguistic Programming has been a helpful and powerful tool to open the doors to intimacy intelligently. It offers a unique understanding about each person's particular needs, for each person experiences intimacy differently. Often the way we are touched has to do with where and how we hold our unconscious wounds. Everyone's soul or heart door is opened with different keys.

Following are the three main keys to opening the doors to intimacy. One of the keys is usually easier to apply as we are more conscious and comfortable with that mode of interacting. Other problems, however, lie more in our unconscious and often bury our deepest wound around intimacy. Those wounds may require a different key. You can find out which key is familiar, which one may be used at deeper levels and which particular combination of keys may work for others. You may also want to explore these with a close friend or partner.

Seeing and Imaging Intimacy:

Look into your own eyes by looking into the eyes of the other. Allow inner pictures to come about love or the connection between you. Express yourself in the form of images. Reveal what you find beautiful in yourself and in others. Create beautiful atmospheres. Dress up for another. Write letters, expressing yourself on paper in visual forms.

Hearing and Speaking Intimacy:

Give value and importance to words. Speak your heart. Listen with an open heart. Focus on the appropriate words at the appropriate time, using poetry, metaphors, sound and music. Tune into each other as if you can hear energies. Be aware of tonality and sound of voice. Sing using sounds and song of love.

Touching and Feeling Intimacy:

Emphasize physical feelings, a "hands on" approach. Use massage. Hold hands and touch body parts. Use temperature, weight, pressure, texture, and scents. Tune into emotional feelings and other energies by physical sensations. Commune with an inner sense of feeling. Communicate and respond to internal feelings. Be in touch with and express your feelings.

It is interesting how relationship conflicts can be solved with this awareness. The work here focuses on how intimacy is experienced rather than on the specific problem. Often we think we need to analyze and dig psychologically; however, we may just need to understand and find the particular key to heal and reach the other or ourselves more deeply.