I have often thought that our grandparents had much less complicated relationships. Why? Men and women's roles were more clearly defined in ways that prevented clashes. Relationships in our culture have changed greatly, and that left our generation without a clear set of guidelines. Although many good things have come with these changes, we have upset the balance of masculine and feminine energy in relationships. When both partners attempt to use masculine energy at the same time, the result is a power struggle.

In past generations, masculine energy belonged exclusively to men, while feminine energy was the sole property of women. Those who acted otherwise brought on unpleasant criticism and unflattering labels.

Masculine energy is pragmatic, functional, and initiates action. Masculine energy gives and protects. It is mostly verbal and centers in the logical left side of the brain.

Feminine energy is supportive and more often nonverbal. It receives, appreciates the gift, and centers in the emotional right brain.

People have always had both kinds of energy but, in the past, limitations on an individual's choices maintained an accepted social structure. Rigid roles forced men to repress their feminine side and women their masculine side.

During World War II, women entered the work force and never completely returned to traditional roles. The feminist movement of the '70s brought money, power, independence and prestige within a woman's grasp. At the same time, men were releasing a more loving, gentle, and sensitive side to their nature. Men learned to nurture children and cry openly. Soon the rules of romantic relationships were turned upside down in both courting and marriage. There was a rush for equality. As the old dance of give and take became a battleground for equal status and power, we forgot how to make love to one another.

An individual who uses both feminine and masculine energy at will is ambisexual. Mature ambisexual individuals can chose the roles they want in careers and in love. Women can use masculine energy and men can use feminine energy. What matters for a relationship to be successful and healthy is that the two forms of energy are complimentary. This is difficult because it requires that one partner give up freedom and power in agreed upon situations by making a choice to use feminine energy and receive or support the other.

How does this work? You may be very aware that your ideas and abilities are equal or superior to your mate's, but you choose to let your mate use the masculine energy in this instance. You don't feel challenged and confronted because the other makes the decision. You don't worry that if you don't have equality you will lose power. You choose to have complimentary energy for this specific task in your relationship and you become a team -- a passionate team. The greatest benefit to this rebalancing of masculine and feminine energy is that romance will stay alive in your relationship.

When you have learned to compliment each other, you will have avoided the greatest killer of passion in relationships: power struggles. In modern relationships, there are many roles and tasks that can be assigned as unrelated to gender. An example is the maintenance of vehicles. One of you decides to be the masculine energy in charge of vehicles. This person decides who will do the work and makes the necessary appointments. It doesn't matter if it is husband or wife. The other is capable of making equally intelligent decisions and plans, but takes the feminine role and agrees to support and facilitate the plan. You have complimented each other. Similar agreements can be made about paying the bills, cooking, parenting, planning social activities, sex, yard work, grocery shopping, managing investments or debt, etc.

Don't think in terms of traditional roles, but in terms of who has the most time, energy and interest for each situation. If no one wants the job, take turns. Most important is that you have a leader and a follower and pay no attention to who is right. It doesn't matter once the choice has been made to be the masculine energy or the feminine energy, because each of you now has a clear role and you will compliment the other.

The argument that used to get forever stuck on who was right now becomes a statement such as, "I would have done this differently but I am choosing to let you lead in this instance. How can I help?"

There are two rules that will help this system work for you. The person who has been given the masculine energy role of deciding and taking action must listen to the feelings of the other.

For example, if your partner selects and puts into motion a plan to place your children in day care, you may say that you feel strongly that the children should be involved in music activities daily. This will be incorporated into the choice that your partner will make. You have the feeling veto but you are not the boss.

Secondly, the person agreeing to the feminine energy role will not accept choices or behavior that are unethical, immoral, physically uncomfortable, or detrimental to money, property or career.

Feminine energy feels respected when feelings are cherished. Masculine energy feels cherished when thinking is respected. When we feel cherished and respected, love stays strong and alive. When we feel love, we give it back. If we engage in power struggles with our mate, we will find ways to strike fatal blows and undermine power in order to win. We end up paying for this when our partner withdraws love. Learn to balance the masculine and feminine in your relationship, work as a complimentary team, and you will always be able to make love.