Expectations, both realized and not, can and do guide our interactions with others and ourselves. In any relationship, we often hold a set of expectations about behaviors and motivations of the other person. These expectations help us set standards for meeting our needs within the relationship, and knowing that our expectations are being met can help us be more involved and invested in the relationship. On the other hand, expectations can be problematic when the other person doesn’t have the capability, willingness, or desire to act in a manner that meets our expectations. Further, some expectations can be harmful as they may inhibit our development and, inadvertently, hold us back from growing as individuals (e.g., expectations for one partner to handle all financial issues due to a lack of understanding or confidence in money matters).

Often, we are unaware of the expectations we have for others. This can be overcome by simply taking notice. Ask yourself: What is it that I’m wanting here? If the answer is for someone to do something as you would or as you think it should be done, that’s an expectation. Once we become aware, we can communicate with others and develop a compromise between our expectations and the reality of the situation. Say, for example, that you notice you expect your partner to handle all financial issues. Instead of routinely relying (expecting) upon him or her to do so, you might offer to work on them together. This has the double benefit of unburdening your partner and exposing yourself to that which was intimidating or unclear.

An awareness and communication of expectations should not simply be about changing someone’s behavior to meet your needs/expectations. Expectation that another will respond as you wish can be a set up for emotional upset. Another’s response or non-response is just that – their response. It does not have to be a personal attack against you or your beliefs; rather, it is simply another’s preference. While we can ask others to consider, comply, and respond to us in a certain manner, we can ultimately only control ourselves (as parents of very young children quickly learn). What can be lost in the drive to have expectations heard (and ultimately met) is that the other person has every right to choose their actions. How we respond to that is our choice.

Focusing on self wants and needs can be a liberating experience. Acceptance of another’s choice to exercise their prerogative and expectations can free us from disappointment, resentment, and upset. Our decision of how we respond to another’s choice can be fortified by holding onto that which was important to us in the first place.

Other’s expectations of us have tremendous effects, too. The media, for instance, continually bombards us with expectations to be thin, well dressed, continually eating, up to date with electronic gadgets, and driving something new and shiny – and that’s just during one commercial break!

And what of cultural expectations of holidays or celebrations? St. Valentine’s Day, for example, seems well intentioned, right? Celebrate your love with your sweetheart. Candy, flowers, cards, romantic dinners, engagements, long weekends in lovely places are all a part of the celebration. But, what about those not in loving relationships? What about those not in any relationship?

Cultural expectations can be a significant source of upset when they cannot be met or if the individual does not necessarily agree with them. For example, as we are inundated with images of “thinness and attractiveness” through television, print and movies, what is someone to do if they don’t “fit the mold”? Those individuals not in sync with physical expectations can begin to think something is wrong with them (e.g., fat, lazy, ugly). It should not come as a surprise that eating disorders are a Western phenomenon and follow its influence around the globe. When we oblige cultural expectations at the expense of our own, the gap between our wants and needs becomes blurred. We can lose touch with what it is that we actually do want as we’re continually reinforced to consume all that is available, and when we’re done to come back for more.

So, what can be done? During Valentine’s Day, for instance, if money is tight and a diamond ring is out of the question as a way to “tell her you love her,” it may be helpful to remember what it is about your relationship that is truly valuable. Take the time to express it – now and throughout the year! For individuals not in a partner relationship, take time to look at your relationship with yourself, or family, or friends. Acknowledge what it is about those relationships that you value. Also, take time to acknowledge the things you’ve accomplished as a “single” person, or identify things you’d like to accomplish. If Valentine’s Day stirs desires to establish a relationship, identify those qualities in another that are important to you. Consider what it is about them that would be enjoyable to you in your life and find those qualities in the relationships you already have. If those qualities are truly important to you, most likely they are possessed by those close to you, whether in a romantic relationship or not.