Anger is an emotional attempt to change and punish another. It is the result of a thought system as expressed by the Law of Talion: "An eye for an eye; a tooth for a tooth.” Even though people’s ideas about ethics vary widely, most people believe that there is “right” and “wrong,” that we can (objectively) determine who is “right” and who is “wrong,” and that “wrongdoers” deserve to be punished.

Getting angry is like eating poison and expecting the other person to get sick. My anger at others does not hurt them, but it does hurt me. Studies have shown that five minutes of feeling angry will depress the immune system for as long as eight hours afterwards.

Anger and guilt appear to be very different emotions, but they are two sides of the same coin. Both anger and guilt are emotional effects of judgments. Anger is the result of a thought system that deems another person as wrong, bad and deserving of punishment. Guilt is the result of a thought system that deems the same of oneself. Anger is guilt projected outwards; guilt is anger projected inwards.

Anger is a mirror. What I feel most anger about another is what I (secretly) feel angry about in myself. As they say in the 12-Step programs, “If you can spot it, you got it.” We fear our own “wrongdoing,” and our own often murderous desires for “justice.” Rather than confront these, we try to “pin the tail on the donkey” and avoid the guilt in ourselves.

There is a powerful antidote for anger and guilt in both Judaism and Christianity. Forgiveness is a way of wiping the slate clean, of recognizing that our relatedness is more important than our anger. Traditional forgiveness is a way of saying, “Even though you did something horrific, even though you’ve ‘sinned’ and deserve to be punished, I forgive you.” This kind of forgiveness, although it may feel good at the time (“Look at what a good person I am, forgiving the likes of you!”), often does not last. It does not challenge the deeply-held beliefs in “justice,” nor does it heal the hurt and pain (arising from ego-identification) that underlie the desire for revenge.

A Course In Miracles reveals another way of looking at these issues. This book notes, “Forgiveness begins with the willingness to see things differently.” It recognizes that even though we are human and make mistakes, we are all deserving of love, kindness and respect. It further teaches that what we thought happened did not really happen (at least, not in the way we thought it did). Rather, our perceptions are interpretations, based on our projections which we impose “out there.” As the Course states very directly, "I am responsible for what I see."

On a personal note, for years I hated and resented my mother. She had good intentions, but she was a perfectionist, constantly in-my-face, nitpicking, making my life hell. As I grew older, I spent most of my time away from home, to avoid the incessant criticism and arguments. In my twenties, I began dating and found my relationships were not working well. One of my teachers pointed out to me that you cannot begin to have a healthy relationship with another person, or with yourself, until you love, honor and respect your parents, as they are. Love, honor and respect my mother? This idea was heresy to my young mind at the time, and seemed impossible to achieve.

After years of trying to forgive her and heal our relationship, I found the Work of Byron Katie. The Work is a powerful process for resolving relationship issues. Part of the Work involves turning one’s judgments back at oneself. When I saw that it was I who was critical, I who was judgmental, I who was nitpicking, I was ‘busted’. When I further saw that Mom was simply treating me the way I wanted her to treat me, I could no longer feel anything but empathy and understanding for her. I cried with compassion and deep forgiveness.

Forgiveness is a gift we give to ourselves. Our anger does not hurt the other person, but it does hurt us. It affects us on all levels, and keeps us from experiencing joy and love in our relationships. We feel angry with another for the same flaws we see (and secretly feel guilty about) in ourselves. We forgive, not to let the other off the hook, but to let ourselves off the hook. All forgiveness, ultimately, is self-forgiveness.