Dear Chris,
I’m going to visit my sister soon. I enjoy having a relationship
with her, but she can be judgmental and overbearing. No matter how
much I try to let the things she says roll off my back, they pile
up. Nothing I say seems to change
the situation. I always end up leaving feeling resentful and angry.
How can I get through to her that she’s ruining our relationship?
Thanks,
Sister Is Sassy
Dear SIS,
Wanting a relationship with
your sister, yet not wanting to be on the receiving end of her
judgments puts you between a rock and a hard place. It’s difficult
for me to imagine more than two solutions to this problem: 1)getting
her to change her behavior, and 2) changing your experience of the
relationship. Of course you can always keep looking for ways to
teach her how it feels to receive her negativity, hoping she’ll
change. But since
it sounds like you’ve
already been trying this tactic, I¹m not betting the house on her
changing anytime soon. That leaves option #2.
In essence it sounds like
the things your sister says, which are not true or valid in your
world, are making their way a little too close to your heart instead
of staying in her space where they belong. This is easy to do when
themessages are coming from someone who holds an intimate space in
our lives. Think about how much easier it would be to hold these
invalid messages at bay if they were coming from a stranger on the
street. How would your experience be different? The stranger’s
comment might feel inappropriate or even annoying, but I suspect
you’d be able to keep it in their space where it belongs. Keeping it
in their space is the difference between your experience
of anger/resentment and your
experience of feeling annoyed.
Most people can hold others
at a distance while maintaining a solid sense of self. Most people
can hold someone in a close and intimate space while losing some of
their ability to remain autonomous. It’s quite tricky, however, to
hold someone in intimacy while maintaining a rock solid sense of
self.
Before your trip to see your
sister, try paying attention to what you do with other people’s
statements that you don’t agree with. Do you hold them outside in a
way that allows you to listen but not be threatened? Do you allow
themin, close to your heart? You may want to imagine a judgmental
statement your sister might make, then push yourself to identify an
action which allows you to hold your sister in an intimate space
while keeping her comment at a distance. A simple and authentic
smile coupled with “It sounds like we disagree about that” may
suffice.
~ ~ ~
Dear Chris,
I think it’s time to have “the birds and the bees” talk with my
daughter. I have no idea where to start! Help!
Signed,
Not Ready
Dear Not Ready,
Please consider giving
yourself permission to not have “the talk” with your daughter. The
talk is usually regrettable for both the talker and the one who’s
trying not to listen. Unfortunately these events typically
accomplishexactly the opposite of what parents are shooting for:
they teach kids that talking with their parents about sexuality is
tedious, longwinded, and mostly irrelevant to what they were
wondering in the first place.
Parents are by far the most
important sexuality educators kids have, but as an alternative to
“the talk” try lots of frequent (at least weekly) small discussions.
Notice that “discussion” is different from “the talk” and implies a
willingness to listen and learn from each other. You’ll need to get
good at this reciprocal approach if you hope to continue these
discussions — we all know how long kids stay tuned to the channel of
our lectures.
If you’re having trouble
thinking of ways to start these frequent small discussions, consider
asking your daughter’s experience or opinion in reaction to the
bombardment of sexual stimuli in our everyday lives (revealing
clothing, public affection, relationships on TV, etc.). You may want
to consider buying one of the many books available that help parents
have productive discussions about sex with their kids. (Debra
Haffner has authored several good ones.) The best of these books
also give parents information about sexual developmental norms,
which is helpful when you’re trying to figure out what information
your child might be ready to hear.
Regardless, try to remember
that your child will be getting lots of judgmental and anxiety
provoking messages about her sexuality from society in general; you
can balance this by sending the clear and important message that her
sexuality is a wonderful thing. Teach her that her body, how she
chooses to share it (including simple things like hugs and
flirting), when she chooses to share it, how she chooses to receive
affection, etc., should all feel good and wholesome. If she believes
you, two important things will happen: 1) When sexuality doesn’t
feel good she’ll spot it immediately and run away. 2) She’ll care
for it like it’s something worth caring for.
Chris Reynolds works in
private practice in Anchorage, where he specializes in individual
therapy, couples therapy and sexual issues. He can be reached
through his website at
www.reynoldstherapy.com .
PLEASE NOTE:
Readers are welcome to submit personal questions about relationships
with husbands, wives, boy/girlfriends, children, friends, etc.
Published questions may be edited for anonymity or brevity. Have you
been pondering a question you'd like another perspective on? Please
e-mail Chris at
chris@reynoldstherapy.com for possible inclusion in the
next edition of Alaska Wellness. And remember: “There are no bad
questions!”
