My eldest daughter has been a great
teacher for me—I like to refer to her as my “practice child,” for
her younger sister has reaped the benefits of all that I’ve learned
from her. My greatest lesson? The power of pause. It seems to me
this is the baseline for growing positive, respectful, all around
healthy relationships with our children…and it took my child to
bring it to my attention. I admit, I am still working on developing
this skill—it is not easy, but the results are amazing—often truly
transformational.
As Emily entered the teen years, our altercations ramped up. One
particular time stands out as a turning point in my awareness of the
value of pausing. Emily wanted something and I was reacting with my
usual and quick “No!” She mirrored my reactive-ness and verbally
fought back. Things escalated and soon she was in a full out
tantrum, one that would rival any toddler’s. I’m not sure if I
screamed (losing it just as my daughter had) for her to go to her
room or if she just stomped off, but her door slammed and all became
quiet. I remember sitting there on the floor, tears streaming down
my face, seething with anger. My cat came to curl onto my lap—I’m
not sure whether to seek comfort or to give it—and as I stroked her
I found I could begin to collect myself.
My husband and I talked about what just unfolded and I began to
relax and wish I could take back how I had behaved with Emily. And
then I was completely surprised, for my daughter came out of her
room, pushed the cat gently out of my lap, and curled her young
woman’s sized body into mine. She lay there just as my cat had been
moments before—curled up tight. I found the last of my reactive-ness
fade away and I continued my stroking—but on my daughter’s back this
time. Soon we began talking and before long we had apologized,
collaborated, and compromised—reaching a decision that truly was a
win-win for both of us. A transformational moment in our
relationship.
What allowed such a transformational experience to unfold? Emily
employed the power of pause. She removed herself, calmed herself
down, and reconnected. Her removing herself gifted me a pause, as
well. I had space to let go of my anger, to take deep breaths, to
calm myself down—allowing me to be receptive to her reconnection. My
lessons didn’t stop here. Many times through her teen years Emily
created the pause that I was having a hard time doing. I grew to
admire her ability to come back calmed down and ready to listen as
well as be heard. My heart would open up, I would be able to truly
hear what she was saying, and we’d usually find solutions that
worked for both of us. But it took her being what I consider the
bigger person—she used the power of pause successfully long before I
did. She has been a great teacher.
How have I used my lessons? I now find I am able to be the one to
employ a pause prior to responding reactively when one of my
daughters “pushes my button.” My pause looks different with each
situation. Sometimes I model myself after a friend who is a pro at
this already and says, “Let me think on that awhile and I’ll get
back to you.” This I do, even if it takes all day to find the calm
from which to work. Sometimes I break eye contact, turning my
attention to a chore that needs to be done. There have been times
when all I can say is “I’m feeling angry, I need to take a walk,”
and then do so. And there are moments when I literally zip and lock
my mouth and just sit with my child in their feelings.
Each time I find I am able to return to the subject of concern
feeling ready to ask questions, listen, and be heard—as well as
respected. What a difference from yelling, banging doors, tears, and
those “I’m going to do it anyway, you can’t stop me!” experiences.
What message am I giving my girls when I can remain calm and
connected as they explore the limits of life? I like to think they
are learning appropriate ways to be an adult and to handle strong
feelings. I believe they are feeling heard and respected. In return,
they often find the limits I make acceptable.
I look back on how Emily and I were a few years ago, and where we
are now—our relationship has transformed into a mutually respectful
and loving one that brings me incredible joy. I credit the power of
pause as the key that unlocked our struggling relationship and
allowed it to bloom.
What does a pause allow us to do—especially when employed before
reacting? It allows us to act based on what we want most (for me, a
positive and respectful relationship) rather than re-act based on
the emotion or circumstance of the moment. When we use a pause, we
have the ability to transform our relationships.
When have you felt great about and confident in the outcome of a
conflict with your child? What did you notice about yourself? How
could you use the power of pause to change the outcome of current
conflicts you may be having? What would be different for you if the
next time your child attempts to push your button you are able to
create a pause for yourself? What does pausing look like to you?
We all want positive, respectful relationships with our children—and
we want our children to grow up experiencing the same. Using the
power of pause is a simple tool that has a profound ability to
transform our relationships.
Take a moment today, before reacting to your child, and think about
what it is you want most with your relationship, and how this
interaction could be a stepping stone in that direction. Take a
moment to pause.
Alice Hanscam is a PCI
Certified Parent Coach®, Certified Screamfree Trainer, and owner of
Denali Parent Coaching. Visit her website at
www.denaliparentcoaching.com or contact her at 868-6933 or
denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com for more information.
