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[ May/June 2000 ]

The Java Joke

by Justice McPherson

…it is as though you were in mortal combat with prehistoric predators for four full hours nonstop -- the approximate amount of time it takes for the caffeine's effects to drop off.

You know the routine: Slap the alarm clock. Blearily hobble out of bed. Stagger weakly to the kitchen, blinking sleep out of your eyes. Fumble around with the coffee machine, and dread the stress of another exhausting day while you wait for your morning brew to finish, wondering to yourself, Why am I so tired these days?

Maybe you don't even question why you're so tired. Just getting old, you figure. What could you be doing to exhaust you so much? The answer could be in the one place you look to for the solution: that morning pick-me-up -- Caffeine.

Most Americans look to caffeine as a source of quick energy. But how does it really work? It obviously can't give you real energy -- it has no calories. What does happen, then? What happens is this: You drink a cup of coffee and almost immediately the chemical structure interacts with your adrenal glands, artificially triggering the 'fight or flight' response in your body. To your body, which evolved millions of years ago, a saber-tooth tiger just leaped out of the bushes and started chasing you. Adrenaline starts flowing through your body, pulling resources away from the parts of your body that it deems unnecessary to cope with the mortal danger, such as higher reasoning, healing, your immune system, digestion, and an assortment of other processes. It constricts the blood flow to extremities such as your hands and head, to better cope with the wounds your body is sure are imminent. Your blood pressure increases, your heart begins pumping harder. To your body, it is as though you were in mortal combat with prehistoric predators for four full hours nonstop -- the approximate amount of time it takes for the caffeine's effects to drop off.

At the end of those four hours, your body deems it safe to try to recover its losses. Suddenly, you feel tired and sluggish as your body tries to replenish its stores of energy and heal from the emergency. Your system starts taking energy and using it to set your adrenals back the way they were when you started, let blood flow back into your extremities and your brain, and bring your immune system (which was undersupplied during the crisis) back up to speed.

Before you know it, you think, Gee, I'm tired all of a sudden. Time for my lunchtime espresso! Oh no, the tiger is back!! Weeks, months, years go by in this state of constant emergency. Your body's adrenal system by now is exhausted. You can down ten cups of coffee in a day and hardly blink. Your sleep is restless and poor, because of the residual caffeine in your bloodstream. (It takes three days for your liver to filter it out.) Your body's emergency response system simply cannot be made to care anymore. It runs constantly, forced into its emergency state by your constant drug intake. If a real cause of stress happens, something that you should actually be concerned by -- like an emergency deadline in six hours, someone getting hurt nearby, or a lecture from the boss -- you don't have anywhere left to go. You are overwhelmed and stressed out. You just can't cope anymore.

Caffeine contributes to a wide number of conditions which plague Americans, including osteoporosis, insomnia, ulcers, malnutrition, depression, heart attacks, high blood pressure, Attention-Deficit Disorder, diabetes, and more. Most of the world's population grossly misuses it.

If caffeine were a prescription drug, a doctor would prescribe no more than 300 milligrams per day, the largest 'safe' dose. For comparison, a 7-ounce cup of coffee contains between 100 to 150 milligrams of caffeine. The typical "mug" of coffee contains about 14 to 16 ounces -- containing close to 300 milligram of caffeine. Typical soft drinks contain about 150 per can (16 ounces). Even decaffeinated coffee contains some caffeine; in addition, most decaffeinated coffees undergo a harsh chemical process which leaves nasty chemical residues in the coffee. Many pain killers contain up to 100 milligrams of caffeine, possibly to relieve 'caffeine withdrawal headaches', a condition caused when the normal level of blood flow to the brain is restored after a long period of time. (It should not be rocket science to realize that anything that starves the blood flow in the brain cannot be good for one's performance at mentally demanding tasks.) It should be noted that even a 'safe' dose of caffeine causes all the effects associated with it, good and bad.

Not only is coffee bad for us, it's bad for the environment. In the rain forests, where forests are being laid waste by the mile every day, the largest crop in terms of former rain forest is the familiar coffee bean. While in the olden days coffee could be grown in harmony with the forest to some degree, the modern high-yield breeds of the coffee plant are not shade tolerant and require open sunlight.

For those who wish to stop depending on this drug, there is good news. Caffeine can be comfortably discontinued with a minimum of hassle if you give it some forethought, avoiding the symptoms of withdrawal. For those who relish their morning coffee brewing ritual, herbal, caffeine-free coffees are available. For those who drink soft drinks, start reading labels. 7UP and Sprite contain no caffeine, nor does ginger ale, A&W root beer, or certain other brands of soft drink. To prevent the exhaustion and shock of quitting caffeine cold turkey, wean yourself away from caffeine sources over the period of several weeks. The easiest way to do this is by mixing caffeine-free products with your caffeine in slowly increasing proportion as you wean yourself away, which doesn't force you to change your habits. However, it works just as well to simply take the commitment to not have that second cup, make your usual mug smaller, switch to decaf, pick caffeine-free drinks when you have the choice, and slowly remove the sources of caffeine from your diet.

Once you have removed the caffeine from your system, I am confident that you will have much more energy than you are accustomed to, wake up more refreshed and alert in the mornings, handle stress more efficiently, and feel healthier. You may wonder why you ever thought you needed the coffee in the first place. You won't be the only one.

Justice McPherson works with Chickaloon Village in their Forestry program. This article was originally printed in the Tribe's monthly newsletter.