It’s widely accepted that there are developmental stages to this process of being human. There are also developmental stages to the process of being in a couple’s relationship. Following is an overview of this concept. At the heart of each stage is the relationship between the “I” and the “We”.
 

Enmeshment Stage

Relationships begin in enmeshment, which is characterized by a sacrificing of the “I” and an emphasis on the “We”. This is a fun stage, full of excitement and anticipation, but it’s also a crucial stage. Couples will need to rely on the bonding that happens in the exciting enmeshment stage when they enter the more realistic later stages. During enmeshment we tend to maximize our similarities and minimize our differences. In this way, we end up falling in love with the parts of the person we want to see rather than the totality of the person before us. Enmeshment can be exciting and passionate, but it’s not particularly stable or substantive. Enmeshment is about fostering a temporary neediness of the other person.

The most common pitfall of the enmeshed relationship is failing to recognize that the neediness is meant to be temporary. Some people find comfort and safety in the interdependence of this stage, and have difficulty letting go when enmeshment has run its course. Chronically enmeshed couples can be either conflict avoidant or bickering, but each is founded on the illusion that their partner holds the key to their happiness.
 

Tips for Chronically Enmeshed Couples:

	Develop a good time-out system for conflicts.
	Practice using I-statements: “This situation scares me … I’d like some space to figure out how I feel about it.” “I’m not willing to do that for you.” This format emphasizes that we, as individuals, are accountable for our emotions and behaviors.
	Explicitly renegotiate your conflict management style. Neither person in a chronically enmeshed relationship is getting their needs met. Take some time to explicitly discuss and renegotiate how conflict is addressed, then stick to the new agreement.

Individuation Stage

Sacrificing the “I” for the “We” eventually ceases to feel good; if it’s safe in the relationship to do so, people attempt to reestablish their sense of individuality within the union (if not, they stall in enmeshment). At this stage it’s common to overcompensate for individual needs, resulting in actions that honor the individual’s priorities but not the partner’s. Though individuation sounds to most people like a time of loss of intimacy in the relationship, nothing could be further from the truth. Enmeshment was about falling for our projected image of our mate, not their true selves. Individuation is about sharing ourselves and knowing our partners in more authentic ways.

Unfortunately, each member of the relationship may not be at the same stage at the same time. A particularly difficult combination is when one person is still enjoying enmeshment while the other moves on to individuation. In this case it’s important to be aware of the mismatch of needs in the relationship, avoid judgment or blame for the mismatch, and search for compassionate ways to meet each others needs.
 

Tips for a Good Individuation Stage:

	Identify and ask for what you need to feel secure throughout individuation.
	Become an investigator (not an interrogator) of your partner’s world.

Cooperation Stage

Once people in a couple’s relationship reestablish a sense of individuality again, there is often reinvestment in the “We”, but with an emphasis on external productivity. In America, “romantic relationships” often implies that romance and passion are what defines these unions. This isn’t the case in other cultures, however, where functional aspects of the relationship are what define the intimacy. Cooperation in parenting, finances, business, and support for each other’s career goals can result in a powerful type of intimacy throughout this stage.
 

Tips for a Good Cooperation Phase

	Make sure you value/focus on your partner’s and your own goals equally.
	Be efficient with romance, so that the lessened amount of time and energy available for passion is maximized. Schedule time to be present with each other so it’s not forgotten. Know how your partner likes to be loved and provide that, as opposed to how you would like to be loved.

And Lastly...

The fourth phase, Reunion, is characterized by an integration of the skills gained in previous stages. Reunion is a time of stability between the “I” and “We”, with the possibility of increased intimacy through this stability. Having a broad perspective on the developmental stages of relationships can be comforting when we’re in the crisis of any particular stage. It can also help explain both our behavior and our partner’s behavior in ways that may be more accurate and less threatening.

Chris Reynolds works in private practice in Anchorage, where he specializes in individual therapy, couples therapy and sexual issues. He can be reached through his website at www.reynoldstherapy.com.