Have you ever found yourself several months into a new relationship that seems too good to be true? Perhaps you have thought, "When will I see this person at her worst? I wonder what his problems are?" Another concern may be that your new friend might discover you at your worst and reject you. It is no secret that we each have a shadow side and that true intimacy requires our shadow side to be known and accepted in love. Usually that part of ourselves that we hide from others was created early in life when basic needs were not met. We might be clingy because we didn't have sufficient touch or expression of love as children. We might be controlling because we didn't believe our role in our family was valued or secure. We might have difficulty trusting or committing because our childhood lacked security and adults frequently let us down. Other times, our shadow is there because we lived too long in someone else's shadow and it rubbed off on us. Examples of this are critical anger and disrespect for others. Whatever our shadow might be, we are usually able to hide it for awhile but not forever. Unfortunately, we tend to be in denial about our shadow side and then project it onto others so that we can criticize it over there.

Did you know that entire relationships can be built in the shadow? The first step of creating a relationship is choosing a partner who offers you what you value most. Have you ever known a couple that seemed to fight all the time and yet they stayed together and seemed to be very connected as a couple? It may be that the relationship works for them because both value a relationship involving lots of confrontation and ongoing tension. On the other hand, if only one of them likes it that way, the other is probably miserable and the relationship won't last. Shadow relationships work when both partners have the same fantasy or complimentary shadow needs in a relationship.

In Love Is A Story, author Robert J Sternberg, Ph.D., presents a number of marriage fantasies that are not healthy relationships but might work if both partners have the same fantasy. The controller married to someone who needs another to take charge, make all decisions, or be directed (controlled) is one example. Another shadow relationship requires that one partner need healing in some way with the other willing to be the healer. This might involve health, a previously broken heart or an inability to trust. A third example is similar but involves a teacher and student, such as a very immature partner being parented by the other in an area of responsibility.

A relationship in which one person makes a huge sacrifice and the other does not is out of balance. This can work if the sacrifice is temporary, such as an agreement to move to another city for a better job or education, but eventually there will need to be a balance of give and take. A fifth example is the relationship in which one or both partners are alcoholic or addicted to drugs. We know that addictions can include spending, working, sex, eating, and other out-of-control behaviors. The non-addicted partner is called co-dependent if their behavior facilitates the addiction or protects the addict from natural consequences of the addictive behavior. Both partners are getting something out of this shadow relationship.

The love/hate relationship is the sixth example. In this case, as in the example above, both partners thrive on conflict that feels normal to them in some way. Another shadow relationship occurs when a couple is in love with a particular physical appearance, fitness level, youthfulness, or ideal "look" of some kind. When this changes in time they will be in trouble and will often change partners to find the right image again.

You may have known someone who is in the next category: the "home sweet home" couple. These people have a fantasy of the setting in which they live. Of course, there is nothing wrong with having standards for your home and wanting to create a comfortable nest. The shadow side of this is in never having enough, never being satisfied, and spending all available energy and money on the setting rather than the relationships in the home itself.

The last example is actually called the "fantasy relationship" or being with the person of your dreams. Though it is unlikely that such a person really exists, we are apt to fall in love with someone who we imagine has all of those attributes. Being put on such a pedestal is a terrible burden for a partner. A frequently seen example in my practice is the individual who as a child never had a father or mother. This person may have created a perfect parent in fantasy, one that never would have human failings in real-life situations. This will be a hard act to follow for a real relationship partner in adulthood because a fantasy father or mother never gets angry or disappoints us. It will be difficult to keep the fantasy alive in this relationship without large doses of denial or dishonesty.

Clearly, relationships that have unhealthy foundations can work if both partners have the same vision or expectation. The danger lies in the shadow lifting for one partner and not the other. For example, the balance of a teacher/student relationship changes if the student learns the important lesson and no longer needs the teacher or may even dislike being treated as incompetent. The healer relationship fails if the recovering individual regains strength and is ready to move on under new power.

Whether you are recognizing your own individual shadow or one that you and your partner share in a relationship, it is important to own it, understand it, have compassion for it, and begin to release it if it brings unhappiness to you or someone you love. Libraries and bookstores are full of good resources. A counselor or pastor can help. You share your shadow with many people like yourself and have probably come by your shadow honestly. However, shadows are often cold and dark. There is no need to dwell in them or allow them to darken your relationships.