What exactly? At one time or another, we may snap at a loved one, argue with a friend, or make unkind statements to or about another person, and we're mystified at our behavior. It's not that we don't value kindness. We do. Why, then, do we do things that contradict our good intentions? Shelley knew that her irritability was connected to her guilt about disappointing her family, but that was as far as she had gone in trying to understand herself. She had assumed that exploring her feelings would only reveal some flaw in her character and make her feel worse than she already did. So, she tried to forget the whole thing.

Self-knowledge is awareness of the thoughts, feelings, and sense experiences that compose the world of the inner self. Self-knowledge is crucial to insight and to living life with purpose. But everyone has aspects of themselves they consider unacceptable and try to keep from awareness. These unpleasant aspects-what psychiatrist Carl Jung termed "the shadow"-are what might be thought of as our dark side. These aspects can seem shameful and dangerous. It's hard to find anything redeeming at all about the shadow aspects of the self. Thus, we deny them or project them on to others so that others have the unpleasant characteristics rather than ourselves.

I don't suggest you invite these unacceptable aspects to take residence in your life or give them a vote on your inner board of directors. After all, would you invite a boor or a bully to advise you as you go through your day? Probably not. But do you remember all those slightly dangerous kids from your childhood with whom you weren't supposed to associate? Weren't those people intriguing? Your repressed, shadowy aspects are not so different. Yes, the shadow aspects have terrible habits, but they also have interesting ideas that when brought to the table of consciousness and managed appropriately can make life congruent, creative, and fun. With some exploration of the shadow, new resources become available to consciousness. And with exploration, effectiveness, originality, and intelligence increase. It's like you are the CEO of a corporation and your shadow is a talented but unruly protégé who must be guided and mentored.

Once you understand and know the different aspects of yourself, you may understand better the shortcomings of others. Your self-esteem, social competence, and groundedness increase. Those post office incidents are not so likely to occur, because now you're clear about how you are feeling. When the teenager jostles you, when the boss gives you a certain look, or when your spouse is unpleasant, you're okay, because you've already figured out what's bothering you and how to manage yourself around it. Shelley, for example, figured out that she wasn't attending her niece's wedding because she wanted to avoid cousin Harry, who drank too much and harassed her at family events. She didn't want to explain this to her family for a variety of reasons, and she found she didn't need to. Understanding herself gave her a certain equanimity in communicating with her family those weeks before the wedding so that she was attuned to their reactions and validated their disappointment without explaining or invalidating her own position. Shelley's personal journey around her niece's wedding helped her to become sensitive to herself as well as open and empathic to the journey of others. And she didn't even have to buy a plane ticket.