In this century, there have been several important shifts in the way professionals view mental health in individuals and families. One of these shifts occurred in the 1950s and early '60s when Dr. Murray Bowen at Georgetown University Medical Center introduced Family Systems Theory. This was a major step away from previous theories about the emotional life of humans, which had focused on the individual. Dr. Bowen saw the family as an "emotional unit" wherein each individual functions emotionally in relation to the larger family system. Bowen thought of a family as a natural system, and studied the order and predictability in human family relationships. The concept of family systems theory is also based on the assumption that human behavior is not very different from the behavior of animals under similar conditions.

One important element in a healthy family is the level of "self" that each member is able to achieve. The job of each child is to grow into an emotionally independent person with the ability to act, think and feel for him/herself. An opposing force – the instinct to maintain togetherness – operates to keep the members of a family emotionally connected. Each of us, therefore, must find the right balance between individual self and emotional togetherness.

Bowen explained that families have predictable methods for dealing with emotions such as anxiety, which can move from one person to another in a family. For example, when a person uses distancing, denial or an addiction to deal with anxiety, he may lower the anxiety level in himself while sending it to higher levels in someone else. We are very sensitive (although not always consciously) to the emotional states of other people, and we continually adjust ourselves to the emotions of those around us. Anxiety in person "A" can result in a physical or social symptom in person "B." If "A" then begins to caretake "B" because of these symptoms, "A" may feel less anxious. Individuals in relationships can actually shape and create each other over time.

Anxiety or tension between two people in a family can be dealt with by pulling in a third person. According to Bowen, the resulting "triangle" is a basic element of any emotional system. Triangles in families occur naturally and can be observed and documented easily. The anxiety or tension of each of the participants generates the activity in triangles. A two-person relationship will be stable as long as it is calm. When anxiety increases, however, the presence of a third person can decrease anxiety by "spreading it out" over three relationships. This makes it less likely that any one relationship will overheat. In any triangle, there are two people who are insiders and one person who is an outsider. If you understand the position you occupy in a triangle, it may be possible to bring it to a positive conclusion.

Several weeks ago, I spent time with my younger sister and her three children. When David (10) and Dylan (8) became too intense or competitive in their play, one of them would triangle Emily (4) by getting her to take sides or commit to being closer to one than the other. The insider and outsider positions of the resulting triangle would shift accordingly while spreading out the tension. Two parents with two children can produce four triangles. If there are three children, the number of possible triangles is ten.

The following is an example of insider/outsider movement in a triangle. Dad observes the close relationship between Mom and daughter, feels anxiety, and begins to pout. Mom notices and starts giving Dad more attention. Daughter feels left out and begins hanging on her dad. Mom feels pushed into the outsider position and makes a critical comment about daughter's messy room. Daughter has a fit and gets mom's attention back with a long discussion about her room. Notice that if the system is really tense, it may feel better to be in the outsider position whereas, if the tension is temporarily gone, it's nicer to be in an insider spot. If dad was criticizing mom and mom then mentions that daughter didn't clean her room this week, Dad might shift his tension from mom to daughter giving mom a break.

How do we "detriangle?" This is one of the most important skills learned in family systems therapy. It would be great if we could recognize a triangle and step back to say, "Oh my, we are acting out one side of a triangle and we have just pushed Aunt Mary into the outsider position." Triangles, however, are driven by emotion, not logic. In fact, people in a triangle are able to ignore logic and rational explanations easily because the logical parts of their brains are short-circuited by emotion.

When you observe a triangle in action, remember first that family members need to develop a healthy level of independence from each other in their thinking, acting and feeling. It is never good to expect everyone in a family to agree or feel the same way. Second, view the triangle as a method of easing tension and anxiety in the family system. Your participation in the triangle may be helpful if you understand enough to make a positive contribution. Try to be an observer and stay detached enough to avoid getting pulled in emotionally. A level of detachment is achieved when any person in the triangle can see both sides of the other two players and refuses to "take sides." Hopefully, this will encourage someone to take responsibility for his/her part and then theother may also. Anxiety and its accompanying tension are normal in family systems. Families that tolerate individual differences and manage triangles can maintain loving connection.

Jackie Garretson, LMFT, is an Imago Relationship Therapist practicing in Anchorage, Alaska.