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[ September/October 2003 ]

The Power of Words

by Skip Hrin

Maintaining a continued awareness of how we converse with
ourselves can allow us to alter our responses in a manner that
is most helpful and kind to ourselves.

We all have experienced certain feelings or reactions as a result of a conversation with someone. Whether it is joy and happiness over good news or upset and anger from a disagreement, it is a good guess that the emotions you feel are somehow related to the conversation you’ve just had. You were not feeling this way before the conversation, but you are now.

What is it about conversations that can lead to these feelings? They’re only words, right? How can mere words affect how we’re feeling? What about what Mom was always saying about “sticks and stones?” The words we use – and when I refer to words, I’m also including thoughts, images and feelings – quite possibly may be the most powerful tool we have to impact the directions we head in our lives.

Words can be powerful in that the meanings we attach to them have an impact on how we respond or react. These meanings can be full of historical context and rich with emotions, both positive and negative. In my experience as a psychologist in working with individuals, I have seen tremendous influence from the simplest of words.

The impact of conversations with others can be amplified in the conversations we have with ourselves. The power of the words we use about ourselves to others and ourselves, and the effects these words have on our lives, do seem to have a bearing on how we feel. These words can also have effects on the events in our lives and our relationships with others. Basically, how we talk to ourselves about ourselves has an immense impact on ourselves.

It may be helpful to consider our words, thoughts, and ideas as a means of communication. Just as we can distinguish between the intent and tone of a message from another (i.e., screaming an insult vs. politely offering a compliment), we also distinguish among our internal messages. How we communicate with ourselves can be addressed. Below is a style of communication insight (represented by the acronym ART - Awareness, Response, Tweak), which may be helpful to remember.

Awareness of the communication we use with ourselves is the first step. Self-communication can be expansive or limiting as the words we use represent the feelings and ideas we have regarding a particular subject. For example, let’s consider the difference between the phrases “I don’t know” and “I’m not sure.” When we tell ourselves (or others) we don’t know, we are making an absolute statement that we are unaware of something and – most importantly – won’t know either. On the other hand, telling others we are not sure leaves room in its implications (again, to ourselves and others) that we may be able to know through acquisition of knowledge, remembering past information, or any number of possibilities. The key is that within our communication we can create opportunities versus restricting opportunities. Here are a few ways to become and remain aware of the manner we communicate with ourselves:
  • Notice use of limiting words (such as can’t, won’t, never) used to describe yourself to others.
  • Notice use of limiting communication (for example, “I shouldn’t have done that," implies something else should have been done or that an error was made).
  • Monitor the effects of this type of language on mood, emotions, and events. Specifically, how do particular ways of communicating leave you feeling? How long do the reactions persist (minutes, hours, days)? Are certain communications more effective than others?
  • Investigate how the effects of these types of communications interfere with your relationships, work, and play activities.

The next step is to Respond in a different manner. Let’s consider the language used in this directive. We need not use better or more generous language, just “different” language. Judgment can lie within the limiting language we use and even simple substitution of a word like “different” can take away the weight of judgment.

Respond with different words after noticing limiting communications. It’s okay to repeat a statement directly after using a limiting statement. Replacing “I can’t do that” with “It’s hard for me to do that” allows for the possibility of effort and eventual competence in a particular area. This can also be another way to remain aware of limiting communication usage.

The last step is not final by any means. Continue to practice (Tweak) awareness and responding differently. Maintaining a continued awareness of how we converse with ourselves can allow us to alter our responses in a manner that is most helpful and kind to ourselves. That is, after all, the point here: to notice times when we are less than kind to ourselves (limiting one’s dreams, experiences, opportunities can be the ultimate unkindness) and responding differently. Through tweaking or practicing, I have confidence we can learn different and kinder ways of communicating about ourselves to everyone.

Dr. Skip Hrin is a licensed Clinical Psychologist with over 12 years experience in mental health field helping individuals, families, and couples with a wide range of difficulties. (907) 350-9603.