The focus of this issue of Alaska
Wellness is “Going Within”, with an emphasis on deepening
relationships with self and others. Of course, deepening our ability
to see, understand and accept ourselves is a prerequisite to deeply
authentic relationships with others. In both of these processes
(authenticity with self and authenticity with others) the dynamic of
defenses is one of the factors that limit the possibilities for
intimacy. For the purposes of this article, let’s create two
fictitious scenarios which illustrate the use of a defense.
Scenario #1: Bill and Linda are married and had an
anniversary last week. Bill forgot this important date until Linda
reminded him, expressing her hurt feelings and anger. Bill responded
with rationalizations, which he truly believed, about how
overwhelmed he’s been at work.
Scenario #2: Sally and John have been dating for 4 months.
Sally may be falling in love, which scares her, and she responds by
attempting to manipulate and control the relationship. Having the
perception of control helps her feel safe.
Three concepts about defenses are important to understand: 1)
defenses are thoughts, emotions and behaviors that change our
perception of reality; 2) everyone uses and needs defenses; and 3)
some defenses are healthier than others.
Defenses Change Our Perception of Reality
Defenses include any behavior, thought or emotional pattern which
serves to protect us from uncomfortable feelings. One way in which
defenses protect us from uncomfortable material is by allowing us to
literally change our perception of reality. In Bill’s case the
reality of the situation is complex and includes many factors, two
of which include his being overwhelmed at work and his wife’s
feeling hurt as a result of his actions. By mentally focusing on the
reasons for his behavior to the exclusion of focusing on the
consequences of his actions, Bill defended himself from
uncomfortable feelings by literally changing his perception of that
event. Unfortunately, he also limited the possibilities for a more
authentic interaction with his wife. In Sally’s case, the feeling of
control she achieves by manipulating the relationship changes her
perception of the risk of falling in love. The risk of vulnerability
she feels is balanced with the illusion of control.
Everyone Uses and Needs Defenses
If being protected from feeling uncomfortable seems like a good
thing, that’s because it is a good thing. Everyone uses defenses and
everyone needs defenses; without them we’d be psychologically
exposed to things we aren’t quite ready to handle. Anyone who has
experienced the intense pain of losing a loved one knows that we
can’t remain in touch with the threat of that pain in current
relationships on a daily basis and continue to remain engaged.
Defenses become maladaptive when we use them to avoid material that
we are ready to handle, but avoid them because it’s uncomfortable.
If Bill was so overwhelmed at work that he was on the verge of a
breakdown, perhaps he psychologically needed to deflect the pain he
caused his wife at that time. If not, perhaps Bill used the defense
as more of a luxury at Linda’s expense. In the second scenario,
Sally may well be using the defense to protect very legitimate fears
of abandonment. At this stage in her development, she may need those
defenses temporarily while she works at making intimacy feel safe.
Some Defenses Are Healthier Than Others
Defenses which distort reality more are usually less adaptive;
defenses which distort reality less are usually more adaptive.
Denial is an example of a defense which distorts reality a great
deal. A person in true denial doesn’t have conscious awareness of
whatever they are in denial of. If Bill refused to acknowledge that
Sally was upset, even within his own mind, he would be employing
denial, a rather drastic defense. Rationalization is a defense which
distorts reality less. In our original example Bill rationalized his
actions, which distorted reality less. In the best case scenario,
Bill would have been strong enough to refrain from using any
defense, instead choosing to view the situation without distortion.
He may have said something like “I’ve been overwhelmed at work, and
I let that mess up my priorities. I’m sorry I wasn’t more thoughtful
in our relationship.” Thus, we can see that the more defended Bill
gets in his response to the uncomfortable feeling of having made a
mistake, the less opportunity he has to be authentic with both
himself and his wife.
Since all of us use and need defenses, a good goal might be to use
them with intention. For those of you who have read my columns in
the past, you know that one of my favorite sayings in therapy is,
“The dynamics that we’re not aware of rule our lives.” Defenses that
we are not aware of can rule our lives, significantly limiting the
possibilities for intimacy with self and others. When we’re familiar
with our patterns of defense, however, we’re able to use them when
we choose, remain accountable for their use, and choose defenses
which are more, rather than less, adaptive.
Chris Reynolds works in
private practice in Anchorage, where he specializes in individual
therapy, couples therapy and sexual issues. He can be reached
through his website at
www.reynoldstherapy.com
